Issue #181 - Meet The Girls Joining Our Society
May 28, 2018 – 12:15 AM
The Original Fake News
May 28, 2018 – 12:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| What It Takes To Be A Quidditch Player Becoming a quidditch players is one of the least respectable career paths a young lady can pursue, yet professional quidditch trials throughout the season see a numerous members of the fairer sex make their attempt at a professional position. So, in an attempt to assist the more "athletically-inclined" ladies of our readership, Witch Weekly presents our tips on what it takes to be a quidditch player! Sacrifices. Lots of them. It is in a woman's biological nature to crave stability, so it's hardly imaginable that many would choose to sacrifice that in place of a career — and a temporary one at that! Women who pursue careers in quidditch should prepare for lives as a spinster (or worse, end up married and unable to produce a child, such as the ill-fated Desdemona Pettigrew). A Desire for Reputational Damage Some ladies may be willing to suffer the gossip of being a quidditch player, but few ever prepare for the damage that occurs as a result of the moral depreciation that accompanies the position. A well-meaning, otherwise polite young woman who enters the field can see themselves leave in ten years as drunk — or worse, find themselves fired! One must remember that quidditch players, while often handsome and charming, are also often the least responsible of all men (why else would they pursue a unprofitable career that guarantees early retirement?). To associate with these men is not also to be exposed to their immorality, but to become susceptible to it yourself! (Such was the case for Jossima Warbeck, who found herself a drunk in the early stages of her career!) Lacking Beauty Women who go into quidditch are rarely the same faces who catch the gazes of eligible gentleman at high-society events. Ladies who devote themselves to a life of quidditch are certain to find themselves facing early wrinkles, tanned skin, and, in the worst cases, crippling injuries before they reach their thirties! A woman with a desire to preserve her beauty — especially if she had much to begin with — should rethink her plans. |
 Mrs. Desdemona Pettigrew — A sad example of the effects of quidditch on a woman's body. Miss Jossima Warbeck — Nearing retirement and yet unmarried, how will she move forward? |
May 28, 2018 – 12:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| If you wish to re-purpose your fillet, your canine companion will surely appreciate a treat! | The Remarkable Red Meat Wrinkle Remedy! Young ladies, do not turn over too soon! This remarkable remedy is not only exceedingly efficient in warding off wrinkles and smoothing away those that have already appeared, it is also quite effective for restoring the handsome, girlish glow that is so easily lost when a young lady is under the weather or otherwise out of sorts. All one requires for this treatment is a raw beef fillet, it's so simple a muggle could manage it!  With her numerous misfortunes and frail health, Mrs. Hannah Pettigrew could surely benefit from taking precaution against early aging.
The meat must be of good quality, not overly gristly or fatty, and of such a size as to cover the affected area - or one's entire face if necessary. If you have opted for full coverage, we recommend having your maid cut a few holes to allow easier breathing through the nose and mouth. Eye holes may be desirable, although the fillet may double as an eye mask if left in tact. If you only require partial facial coverage, place the fillet accordingly.The treatment may be done at any hour of the day, but it is most convenient to do so during the night. In order to prevent the meat from slipping off the moment you fall asleep, wrap a fine, breathable material such as muslin firmly around your head with the fillet pinned between the fabric and your face. Fasten tightly enough to keep it from becoming dislodged in the night. Remove upon waking. Needless to say, the fresh the fillet, the more effective the treatment will be. If you are using it to reduce or prevent wrinkles, you will need to use the treatment regularly in order to achieve the desired effect. If you are only using it to reduce temporary puffiness of the eyes or other temporary afflictions, you may cease the treatment once your skin is restored. |
May 28, 2018 – 12:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| Meet the Girls Joining Our Society | |
After this week's Coming Out Ball, our society will be joined by several new debutantes! Welcome, ladies! For those of us who are already around, these are the girls to get used to.  Miss Midford's father owns a textile factory.Miss Katherine Midford, the debuting Head Girl, is a Ravenclaw and a Halfblood. By all accounts a pleasant, clever and polite girl, Miss Midford suffered the misfortune of watching her mother die at last year's tiger-based incident, and will be in half-mourning until July because of this. An unfortunate disruption to her first season as a debutante, but perhaps useful to those of you in their later seasons. Miss Daffodil Potts, of the Potts family, is another Ravenclaw and a known eccentric. She is unlikely to become a debutante by our accounts, but if you're ordering flowers you might see her around. Miss Margaret Rawlinson, of the London Rawlinsons, is likely to debut. A member of a family with purist leanings, Miss Rawlinson is also noteworthy because her younger sister is a squib! Could her own children become squibs, if she marries? |
Miss Hope Crawford, of Gryffindor, will likely become a debutante and is by all accounts a gentle creature. Miss Naeva Lécuyer's older sisters, Miss Odette and Miss Mireille, are twins.Miss Cecily Gallivan, Ravenclaw's Quidditch Captain, is the daughter of Chudley Cannons sponsor Nathaniel Gallivan. With her athletic history, it seems unlikely that she will take the season very seriously. Miss Naeva Lécuyer, who is likely to join her sisters at Pendergast's School for Young Roses, will be leaving Slytherin house. Miss Lécuyer comes from a purist family, and you may remember that her elder sister was recently spotted with Mr. Benedict Bates. Will Miss Naeva Lécuyer continue the pattern? Miss Madeleine Backus would not be noteworthy at all were it not for her sister's recent inheritance and marriage. Does she also stand to inherit money - and what will she do to get it? Those of us of the middling echelons of society should keep an eye on our brothers around her! |
May 28, 2018 – 12:16 AM
The Original Fake News
| Would you also like to request some advice from Miss Harmony Aidsworth? Write in to Witch Weekly today to have your troubles and woes addressed completely anonymously! | Ask Harmony Aidsworth - Am I Cursed? The subject of "curses" can often turn people off and suggest that there is some darker evil at play. In reality, this curse could just be a streak of unluckiness that occurs after a tragic event or feud with a loved one. For some, these events can be devastating and even life threatening, further intensifying the topic to something of a greater magnitude. Luckily, for our reader's submission, this week the issue is surrounding one's family member and the perceived idea that their jealousy has finally culminated in an aggressive attack. If you have been the victim of jealousy or another's wrath, perhaps this article can be of use to you. Dear Miss Aidsworth, It has become apparent to me that I may be under some type of unlucky spell and I think my sister is to blame. Ever since the man she fancied turned his eyes to me, she has grown more distant and angry. I had thought this was all for obvious reasons and that nothing more would come of it, however within the past few months I have been noticing strange, or unlucky, occurrences surrounding my daily life. They started off small, such as a slight trip down the street or a slight tear in a dress. Over time, they have increasingly become worse. My garden has been completely filled with withered plants, several items of clothing are stained and I have gotten sick numerous times! I cannot think of anything other than jealousy that would have sparked such an atrocious display or assault upon one's own family member, but I wanted to turn to you in case you had further insight onto this issue prior to me approaching her. Thank you and I hope to hear from you soon, Sincerely, An Unlucky Bride ___ Dear An Unlucky Bride, The issue of your "curse" seems most definitely troubling. I can see why you may feel that your sister is to blame given the situation and I dearly apologize for all of those instances. It may be within your best interest to talk to your sister about how she may be feeling about your engagement prior to addressing this, for she may feel as though you are blaming her immediately without any notion that you may be wrong. This could set the interaction off on a bad foot which could intensify her anger. Since she has grown distant as well, trying to rekindle that connection could in fact sooth the emotions felt on both sides. This may be the better option and you could see some improvement with your luck in the near future if you simply establish this line of communication once more. Maintaining this healthy relationship is imperative to ensure your life is free from negativity and especially important when regarding family members. Hopefully this advice helps you with your sister and that you may rid yourself of this curse! Yours, Harmony Aidsworth |
May 28, 2018 – 12:16 AM
The Original Fake News
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