Issue #260 - Lost at Sea?
May 23, 2021 – 10:34 PM
The Original Fake News
May 23, 2021 – 10:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| I Was A School Familiar At Witch Weekly, we often come across various tales from our subscribers. Not all of their stories are able to be published for a variety of reasons. But sometimes we come across a true tale that is just too good not to share. Whether the following is a cautionary tale against becoming an animagus or an inspiration to work harder at becoming one is up to the reader to decide.  Our anonymous sources animagus form!I will not bore you with the details but I underwent the study of animagus thoroughly. I read everything I could find on the subject which was rather easy with all the resources my father had accumulated over the years. I began going through the practical parts of the process in which I now know was way too early. If you are considering becoming an animagus, either don't or be sure that you are truly ready for the practical parts and transformation before undergoing it. I was a foolhardy youth and did not, I thought myself much more skilled than I truly was. It was the day of my Coming Out Ball, I had just graduated from Hogwarts the week before. My friends and I would soon be swanning about the social scene. My mind was more preoccupied with the surprise I had for my father. With hours to go before my Coming Out Ball, I decided to attempt the transformation. It was months before the recommended time to make an attempt but I didn't care. I thought I would prove a prodigy. In a way, I suppose I was right. I transformed fully into a cat. The problem was that I could not change back. I had not yet figured out how. I was now stuck as a cat! I tried finding someone to help me out but a servant came across me. She must have assumed that I was a stray that had snuck in because she tossed me out of the house. I kept trying to get back into my house but kept getting tossed right back out. It broke my heart to hear my family weep and wonder where I had disappeared to. I had stood up my own Coming Out Ball! Eventually, I gave up gaining entry to my home. I decided to go to the Ministry, figuring they would figure out somehow that I was a human being. I got lost and ended up being taken home by a child. I was hungry, tired and without home so I decided to just stay there. Some months must have passed because we were soon off to Hogwarts! The school experience is very different for a cat. Especially one that is actually human. I increasingly lost all focus on becoming human again. I eventually forgot all about it and lived as this childs cat. Luckily for me, she was a very kind and pure soul. But mercy me, some of the other students weren't! I saw all sorts of things going on at that school that I was never aware of as a student. I guess not all teenagers are as innocent as they might make themselves appear to be to everyone else. Anyway, I lived the life of a school familiar for seven whole years. My girl eventually married and I personally began losing track of the years. I then somehow ended up separated from her during a move to a new house. I was on my own once again. I am not sure how much more time had passed but there was a heavy fog rolling through the town. Next thing I knew, I was human! I ran home, somehow still knowing the way after all these years. I learned that I had been missing for twenty long years. I had missed my youthful years entirely. My family was now a stranger to me. I had a bond with a woman who had no idea that I was never really a cat. Life for me is strange now. Trying to become an animagus ruined my life entirely. And so I urge readers of Witch Weekly who might be considering this path to perhaps take up needlepoint instead. |
May 23, 2021 – 10:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Things We'd Like to Know About Enoch Rosier At thirty-one-years-old, Enoch Rosier is at the height of his career—and at the height of bachelordom. As the eldest son of an esteemed family, it's not a matter of if he will marry, but when, and there are plenty of questions all the lovely ladies of London and Hogsmeade want answered but aren't nearly bold enough to ask! 1. What time of woman does he find the most attractive? Beauty is but important one trait in a gentlewoman, but we cannot imagine a gentleman like Mr. Rosier settling down with woman any less handsome than himself! Mr. Rosier has been seen in the company of plenty of women over the past few seasons, but after being seen in the company of multiple brunettes—Miss Tatiana Lestrange, Miss Porphyria Dempsey, and Miss Grace Greengrass most recently—we're nearly certain he prefers the darker-haired ladies. 2. How tall is he really? Anyone who's had the pleasure to meet Mr. Rosier will have first noticed how positively towering of a gentleman he is! We haven't met one woman who can say how tall he is, but we have met woman who can describe in great detail how being in his presence made them feel small, intimidated, helpless, and protected all at once. 3. How many dark wizards has he had sent to Azkaban? Someone really ought to ask him one of these days—and they should send in his response to us here at Witch Weekly to be published! We can only imagine the number is in the triple digits by this point; any criminal with a lick of sense would cower at the sight of his broad physique and steely gaze! 4. Does his personality match his birth chart? Mr. Rosier's chart reveals the mix of a perfect gentleman (and lover!). An Aries sun makes perfect sense for a man in his occupation; there is certainly a need to act on one's feet and make snap decisions that may save lives. A Gemini moon points to a witty sense of humor and a knack for conversation, even if he might not be quick to commit to a woman. A Taurus Venus makes for a sensual, deeply romantic nature—one he certainly won't reveal until he's offered his heart to a woman. What an Austenian hero! 5. Is there any chance for us? We're not all bred among the Lestranges and Longbottoms and Carrows of society; some of us lead simpler lives albeit with hefty enough dowries to tempt a decent suitor. Is Mr. Rosier enchanted only by the allure of strong bloodlines and mansions for dowries, or does he seek something more, like love and companionship? We certainly hope so. |
 Enoch Rosier—the perfect gentleman? There is something so alluring about a man out of reach. |
May 23, 2021 – 10:35 PM
The Original Fake News
| Did Mr. Abbott fall victim to a shipwreck, or to the increasingly common sense of marital regret? | Lost at Sea? To many onlookers, Mr. William Abbott and Mrs. Diana Abbott nee Fawley appeared to be the ideal storybook romance. Mr. Abbott proposed in a highly public and exceptionally romantic fashion, and nothing could keep them apart: their courtship and engagement were both notably brief, and after the pair were married and were almost immediately expecting. Their closeness in age lead some to speculate that this was an example of a school child romance, something many have experience with but which seldom bears real fruit. Everyone expected the couple would go on to many happy years together, only for Mr. Abbott to disappear quite suddenly in the midst of the Santa Antonina shipwreck.  Mr. Abbott's death would be a terrible tragedy, especially as he departs the mortal coil while his wife is in the midst of her first pregnancy. Since a body was never found, though, our reporters can't help but wonder: is this a tragedy? Is Mr. Abbott even dead at all, or has he merely taken advantage of a well-timed disaster to escape his growing responsibility as a husband and soon-to-be-father? He would hardly be the first example of a gentleman who, having married in haste, soon finds that the throes of marital bliss are less to his tastes than he had imagined. This is particularly true of "reformed" rakes (see, for example, the well-known tribulations of Mrs. Melody Crouch, whose husband Reuben Crouch has abandoned her in every meaningful way except the strictly legal sense after only a year of marriage). Mr. Abbott did have a reputation for being a flirtatious gentleman prior to courting his wife, and there's really no accounting for the moral sensibilities of Quidditch players.  With a child incoming and the novelty of his marriage beginning to wear thin, perhaps Mr. Abbott realized that this was his last opportunity to escape if he wanted to reclaim his bachelor life, and the freedoms that entailed. But can we really expect that a gentleman of his wealth and influence would have abandoned his entire life only to escape fatherhood and (potentially) a shrewish wife?Of course not, but he needn't have to. Remember that Mr. Abbott is the sponsor of the Montrose Magpies. For our readers who don't follow the intricacies of Quidditch (particularly during the last year after the Quidditch World Cup tragedy), we shall inform you of an interesting fact about the Magpies: they recently acquired a foreign coach. Mr. Yassine Bensouda, of Morocco, first arrived in the country for that very same World Cup but was enticed to stay in Britain following an offer of employment from Mr. Abbott. Was Mr. Abbott really inclined to pay top-galleon for a coach who, it is rumored, once bit another player during a match? Surely not. What Mr. Abbott was really paying for was a foreign connection, planning his escape even as far back as September! With Mr. Bensouda's offshore connections, he is well poised to funnel Mr. Abbott's money off to Morocco (or perhaps to France or Spain) so that when Mr. Abbott made his dramatic departure it was ready and waiting for him abroad. We shouldn't be surprised to learn that Mrs. Abbott and her new child come into some money troubles at some point in the next few years, when whatever has been left to her runs out — and we should be equally unsurprised if Mr. Bensouda, having fulfilled his purpose for his English employer, soon leaves the country! |
May 23, 2021 – 10:35 PM
The Original Fake News
| Neptune's transit, and what it means for new debutantes at the Hogwarts Coming Out Ball On the 28th of this month, Neptune will transit into conjuncture with the sun. On the same day, no less than fourteen young women will debut into society during the annual Hogwarts Coming Out Ball. What does this timing portend for the newest batch of soon-to-be debutantes? Young ladies with prominent and favorable Neptune positioning in their birth charts will benefit most from the ball, while those with unfavorable Neptune placements will struggle to stand out. Those who do find ways to stand out may find that they have done so for the wrong reasons, especially those whose star signs have a reputation for bullheadedness. Taurus and Leo should take particular care, as they may be perceived as ego-centric and cloying for attention if they attempt to place themselves in the spotlight. A more muted approach may be preferable, as it does a lady's reputation more good to be seen as reclusive than as arrogant. The 28th is a night for deep conversation and creative expression. Any young woman may benefit from steering the conversation towards artistic pursuits and musical talents. Gentleman are more likely to be sensitive and expressive while Neptune conjuncts the sun, so young women of particular sentiment and feeling are most apt to find conversational equals during this period. Take advantage of this by introducing deeper conversational topics than you otherwise might, particularly if you already feel an affinity for the gentleman in question during the early stages of the conversation. Bonds made while Neptune conjuncts the sun are not easily broken. Finally, Neptune can nourish dreams and fantasies, which can be both a blessing and a curse for a new debutante. Earth signs may benefit from this as they may find themselves stretching their expectations and allowing themselves to take risks they otherwise might not, potentially to great affect! Water signs beware; you already have a proclivity towards large dreams and are likely to find yourselves disappointed in the near future when these dreams clash too strongly with the confines of reality. |
Astronomy predictions aren't only for diviners! Any well-prepared debutante ought to understand her birth chart and its implications for day to day life, especially on important dates such as her debut! |
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