Issue #188 - The End of Hogsmeade?
July 15, 2018 – 1:33 PM
The Original Fake News
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July 15, 2018 – 1:33 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Hidden Benefit of Having Disgraceful Relatives | |
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Their histories are so infamous as to require no introduction nor explanation. Arthur Pettigrew. Reuben Crouch. Annabelle Scrimgeour. Freya Trelawney. Many of our readers without such an abominable family member will have read with some degree of schadenfreude of the antics of these notorious no-goods, but it may never have occurred to the average socialite that there may, in fact, be some benefit to having an infamous relation: that of not being subjected to as much (or perhaps any) scrutiny of their own. What became of the rest of the Trelawneys? The illegitimate offspring of the late Freya Trelawney are now adults, but she had a brother who has never caused even the slightest stir of scandal. His life and subsequent family have been entirely free from scrutiny, as he could never hope to match the scandal of his sister; those not in direct contact with him may not even know his name. It is unusual for a family of this wealth and influence to be so entirely solitary without causing some speculation. Annabelle Scrimgeour's siblings seem to have benefited similarly, as Miss Araminta Scrimgeour's rather lackluster first season out went entirely without comment in light of her sister's more scandalous behavior. In the case of the Scrimgeours, one could even argue that perhaps this distinction between the two sisters was at least partially planned. After Annabelle's rough upbringing sabotaged her chances of being a properly bred young lady, did Mr. Scrimgeour harden his heart towards his wayward daughter intentionally as a way of elevating his other? If that was his intention, things have certainly gotten out of hand, as he would hardly plan to be arrested on charges of assault and battery — but whatever the case, Miss Araminta Scrimgeour has been the object of sympathy, but little scrutiny, which means the ultimate benefit was still achieved despite her father's current difficulties.  How much encouragement would Arthur Pettigrew really need to squander a fortune?In the case of the Pettigrews and the Crouches, the families in question may also be responsible for if not encouraging their wayward relation's behavior, at least recognizing the benefit to themselves and doing nothing substantial to reign in their wayward relations. |
Quidditch mogul Thom Pettigrew has recently been making some news with his connection to his wife, the infamous Hannah Pettigrew nee Echelon, but one could argue that this is only because Arthur Pettigrew, having run out of finances to squander and settling slightly into something like normalcy through his marriage, has moved out of the spotlight. During the height of Arthur Pettigrew's downward spiral, Thom Pettigrew was first cavorting around the world with his fledgingly business, and then rather hastily marrying his first wife, Chastity nee Browne (a woman of decidedly more humble origins), all of which went without speculation. His two younger brothers managed to avoid any sort of public opinion at all until Albert Pettigrew's encounter with a veela this spring, and were it not for that, the world might still be oblivious to anything other than Arthur Pettigrew's disgraces, and Thom Pettigrew's successes. Slytherin Aldous Crouch is too devious not to have some sort of motivation for allowing his brother to run rampant!The Crouch family, a once wealthy pureblood line with a now slightly ... less prestigious position in society, may be the most egregious instance of intentionally sacrificing a particular member of the family — provided that one knows what to look for! It would surprise no one to learn that Aldous and Roman Crouch aspired to restore their family to its former glory (and the marriage of their sister, November, to Gaius Malfoy, would be a mark in favor of this particular goal), but they seem to have been foiled by their youngest brother, who spent several years after Hogwarts marauding around the continent getting himself into trouble before returning to a career (if one could call it that) as a freelance cursebreaker. It may surprise our readers, however, to learn that Reuben Crouch's travels were entirely funded by his older brother! This speaks, at least, to a severe negligence in Aldous Crouch's leadership of the family — unless the ongoing antics of his brother Reuben serve their purpose as a distraction! What is the rest of the family getting away with, right under our unsuspecting noses? Our reporters will continuing digging, but feel free to send your speculations in to us. Is Aldous Crouch using his position in the International Department of Magical Cooperation to secretly seduce a foreign princess? Is Roman Crouch plotting to overthrow the Minister's office from the inside? |
Arthur Pettigrew Thom Pettigrew Albert Pettigrew David Pettigrew Lucy Pettigrew Cassandra Trelawney Sarah Townsend Miriam Trelawney Bella Scrimgeour Araminta Scrimgeour Julius Scrimgeour
July 15, 2018 – 1:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Tapeworm Diet: Keep Your Corsets Slender! A new diet is going to ensure that you never have to have your corset taken out by the seamstress again! The "Tapeworm Diet" is quick, easy, and effective for any lady who does not want society to comment negatively on her figure this season. As an added bonus, those on this diety are able to continue eating just as much as they want, so no one will know that you're dieting! You will never have to rise hungry from the table, but you will have a slender, desirable figure. The steps are as such: 1. Order a tapeworm pill from the apothecary. Once you have received the pill, you take it. (Obviously.) 2. One will begin to lose weight once taking the pill. 3. Once one has achieved the desired figure, you will have to lure out the tapeworm. The apothecary recommends using a cylindrical device full of food, and lowering it, to capture the tapeworm. This is not difficult, and if you go to the apothecary they should be able to help you with it! 4. (Alternatively, one may take a special potion to poison the tapeworm, but this may make you feel ill.) The tremendous thing about the tapeworm diet is that it is so easy. No one has to know about it, and you may even forget about the tapeworm when you're on the diet, because of how effective and simple it is! This coming season, a slender figure could be the action that brings your society gowns from "mediocre" to "gorgeous." |
July 15, 2018 – 1:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| The End of Hogsmeade! It has been eleven years since the time when magical folk moved into the magical village of Hogsmeade following the chaos of muggles finding out about magic. At the time, it seemed a safe haven from the outside world. Now, though, one cannot help but wonder if magical folk were herded into one area with the sole purpose of killing them off. Muggles cannot come to Hogsmeade but could someone have been tricked by a muggle into deciding that Hogsmeade was the spot for magical folk to build? Perhaps a muggleborn with loyalties to the heritage they were surrounded by growing up? Or was it perhaps a pureblood seeking an easy way to eradicate our world of muggleborns? The madness of Faris Spavin seems to support this theory. Either way, no one can deny that Hogsmeade has definitely had its share of tragic events over the years.  Hogsmeade has been home to many magical folk for eleven years but is it really just a waiting death trap?Then came the Hogsmeade Expedition which notably drafted women as well. Was Mister Potter taking the eradication of muggleborn women one step further and attempting to rid Hogsmeade of muggleborn women so that non-muggleborn men would have no choice but to stick to marrying other non-muggleborns? The year after that seemed almost peaceful albeit chaos caused by the Amortentia tea. Though that could also have been part of the large plan to diminish Hogsmeade of muggleborns. One cannot help but wonder if the Amortentia had been intended for set audiences but got out of hand. After all, all the other plans to eradicate Hogsmeade of muggleborns had failed. Perhaps they had sought to tarnish reputations and cast them out of society instead. Only this time, they did not pay heed to the fact that one cannot always tell where specific packages end up being delivered.  Was Balthazar Urquart a man with a conscience who saw his daughter paying the price for it?The explosion within the Ministry was yet another disaster that took lives though admittedly this one was not within Hogsmeade. Later the same year, Azkaban inmates escaped (or were set loose!) and were suspected to have infiltrated Hogwarts. Had they been sent after muggleborn students? Why did the school go into lockdown if it is supposedly so safe with the Headmasters barrier? 1886 seemed to be a year of peace. Perhaps the year when our Minister became close to finding the culprits seeking to end lives within Hogsmeade? Was his daughter turned due to this reason? There is no way to know for sure as the werewolf responsible has never been caught. Either way, between everything I have just written of and the current situation with the fog - one solution is quite clear: we must leave Hogsmeade. We must leave or we will all die and it will truly be the end of Hogsmeade. |
Justin Ross
July 15, 2018 – 1:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| Heard Around Town! It's rumored that the Hogwarts Board of Governors is considering cancelling the upcoming school year due to the fog in the area! As sad is it is, it's understandable—how can they teach students magic without working wands? Minister Ross is apparently responsible for sending all those aurors on the expedition into Irvingly, and for the sole purpose of cutting off Hogsmeade from law enforcement personnel! I suppose isn't not all too surprising; after he got away with Herschel Dawlish's murder, he was bound to to pursue larger targets. Maybe....the entire magical community? They've got interns running the Daily Prophet now! How much time until the newspaper goes under? I heard the Ministry wouldn't give any of the press transportation passes as revenge for outing Minister Urquart's daughter as a werewolf! He and Minister Ross were friends, you know! They still haven't caught the person responsible for the death of Mrs. Georgia Whitledge! I wouldn't be surprised if it was none other than that drunken grandson of hers. Perhaps his recent inheritance got to his head and he decided he wanted his grandfather's old Wellingtonshire home, too! Hogsmeade Hospital now has Lyra Potter—you know, the vampire—working as a nurse! Once the fog clears, everyone should boycott them in favor of St. Mungo's! Someone said it was the muggleborns who are responsible for the fog! Think about it: the Ministry definitely has a pro-muggle agenda, and what better way to get everyone to accept them than have the muggleborns teach the rest of the magical population how to survive without magic!? |
 How long until Lyra Potter loses control of her vampire urges? Could conspiracy charges be coming for Minister Ross after this fog ordeal is done? |
July 15, 2018 – 1:34 PM
The Original Fake News
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