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Witch Weekly · July 1, 2018 – 3:38 PM

Fog Followers: Who May Triumph & Who Will Surely Die

With the fog "expedition" recently announced, many are speculating as to whether or not the Ministry's plan to offload the investigation onto a group of untrained amateurs has any merit to it. Will this bring a solution to the fog plague, or only needlessly hazard the lives of several citizens and keep the two towns in the dark (perhaps literally)? Can any of the members of this investigative challenge properly defend themselves from danger and harm if they are unable to use magic?

One of our reporters was able to sneak a peak at the Ministry's list of volunteers, and some certainly seem more fit than others. Some of the more noteworthy additions to the roster are:

Barnabas Skeeter
With only one leg, many may show entirely reasonable surprise to find him engaged in this endeavor. While Mr. Skeeter does have a reputation for heroism after losing his leg during a troll attack, we suspect that he may be far less heroic without the use of his wand. After his failed bid for Minister last year, might we suggest that rather than an appetite for heroism, Mr. Skeeter may actually be a magnet for disaster? We may very well have seen the last of the controversial dueling commissioner.

Tybalt Kirke
Mr. Kirke plays beater for the Hogsmeade Howlers, and is still quite young at twenty-two. We suspect that his frequent practice dodging hostile objects without the use of his wand may come in handy during the upcoming investigation, and coupled with his vitality he actually seems quite likely to see the matter through to the end unscathed (or at least relatively so). Besides, Mr. Kirke has that sort of charm which seems to bring him good luck and good spirits despite his rather questionable career as a Quidditch player; hopefully that luck will hold out!

Edric Umbridge
While we aren't exactly expecting him to die, it is rather suspicious that the recently promoted Head Auror apparently has nothing better to do with his time than join a team of amateur investigators on an issue he could very well have been investigating this entire time. We believe it's quite obvious that Mr. Umbridge only signed onboard in order to avoid his professional work at the Ministry — and potentially to have a good excuse to disappear for a few hours at a time with a certain young lady!

Somersby Fudge
Barely able to legally sign on to the expedition, Mr. Fudge is still approaching his final year of Hogwarts — though we highly doubt he will make it there. Being young, durable, and charismatic only carries one so far, and we suspect Mr. Fudge will soon be joining his father in a ghostly duet at the Sandition Resort.

Odette & Mireille Lécuyer
What Mr. Lécuyer was thinking when he allowed his teenage daughters (who have still not even debuted and can therefore hardly even be considered adults in their own right) to volunteer for such a foolhardy expedition is beyond comprehension. The chances of the Misses Lécuyer returning alive are almost insignificant, and the chance of returning with their virtue intact, after spending who knows how long in the fog-shrouded company of a group of fortune-seeking men, is even slimmer. Perhaps Mr. Lécuyer intended to chaperone his daughters himself (as he has also signed on), but as the Ministry is drawing up the groups at random it seems far more likely that the family will be separated and at least one of his daughters either killed or ruined forever!

Kentigern MacFusty
Doubtless exactly the sort of volunteer the Minister had in mind when proposing this scheme, Mr. MacFusty's physical prowess and experience will likely be enough to keep him out of harm's way even without the use of magic, and his position of authority within the Ministry means he may have the intellectual capacity to actually do something about the fog. We rate his chances of survival at 10/10.

Cupcake Whitledge
Like Miss Lécuyer, Miss Whitledge has no relevant skills to speak of and is entirely likely to be either killed or ruined by this foolhardy expedition. One can only surmise that this is what becomes of young ladies who have no good role models in their lives (as her brother can hardly be said to be setting his siblings any sort of example at all, except that of a drunkard), or perhaps that being idiotic runs deep in the Whitledge family blood (which, given their unusual names, may not be much of a stretch).

Violet Wiltingham
Although a formidable witch with a wand, Madam Wiltingham may find herself sorely outmatched without magic at her disposal, and given her advanced age, we feel she can contribute very little of value to the expedition. While her mind may be as sharp as ever, her brittle skin and bones are likely to give way at the first sign of inconvenience, meaning Headmaster Black may be on the lookout for a new transfiguration professor before the summer is out.

Maeve Connolly
Although we would hardly encourage any of our readers to follow Miss Connolly's lead in pursing a career in law enforcement, the fact that she has done so (and done so successfully) shows a tenacity and drive which will make her, if nothing else, probably quite resilient to unexpected death. Whether she is of any actual use without magic remains to be seen, but we suspect she will, at least, survive; much like a beetle which is difficult to be crushed underfoot.

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Issue #186 - Fog Followers: Who May Triumph & Who Will Surely Die