Issue #185 - Savages Among Us: The Trials of Darrow & Medina
June 24, 2018 – 4:31 AM
The Original Fake News
June 24, 2018 – 4:32 AM
The Original Fake News
| Five Ways To Mystify Men Without Magic - Or Sight! | |
How dire of a time it may be for our friends and family stuck in this terrifying blanket of fog. From the inability to properly see long distances to an unrest in magical populations--including our beloved animals--we here at Witch Weekly have seen how detrimental this exposure has caused and seek to sooth the minds of our most dedicated readers with this special article. For, as we all know, many women may not have a large stretch of time to attract a man during the year with much success. So, we must take these moments and utilize every second to ensure our futures can shine bright enough to pierce through the density of this fog. This Minced Meat with Egg Garnish dish is just an example of what you could be making to entice the senses of potential suitors! Tip #1: Learn how to cook properly! There is nothing greater than utilizing our senses to increase the capacity of our romantic endeavors. Not to mention the fact that most claim food is the key to a man's heart. What a man smells can often supersede what he sees, especially when his vision is impaired, so you may be able to attract him with the scents of your wonderful pastries. Even better, our past issues are filled with wonderful recipes provided by only the greatest chefs. This fact alone should tell you that you are guaranteed to win over his affections promptly simply by showing you know how to cook and not poison him. Tip #2: Alter the tone of your voice! Excitement leads many relationships to the path of success. What better way to venture down this path then to begin with a change in something a man hears almost daily - your voice! We have taken this bit of advice from a majority of our readers complaining that their significant other may spend too much time with another male friend or group of male friends. From co-workers to peers, men tend to work together far too often. Why do you think this is? Well, of course, it is because they prefer the deeper tones associated with these individuals. Take it upon yourself to gradually change the pitch and volume you utilize regularly to ensure he takes more notice of you over time. |
 A couple hailing from the Western world. This could be you too, only if you adhere to the provided tips! Tip #3: Seek a foreign partner. Tying in to our last tip, if you seek the affections of someone not from your area of birth, perhaps their intrigue in you can stem from your customs, accent, or even eccentricities. Have you ever tried to speak to someone from the other side of the world? Or even traveled there? Well, what did you notice? Were people staring or looking at you differently? Or even cocking their head as you spoke? There is the proof! Take advantage of what you have and embrace your unique qualities for they will surely entice a man of any standing. Tip #4: Fall into his arms - literally! There is really no other romantic gesture that can compare to one falling into another's arms. Typically this occurs naturally, however there is nothing wrong with a little fabrication regarding your actual safety. In addition, if you are to try this, it will seem all too real given the lack of visibility provided by the convenience of the fog! Trip over a "loose board" or "pebble in the sidewalk". "Fall" off of a ladder or "be pushed by some old hag". Whatever your excuse, he won't pay much attention to it and only be concerned about you. This is foolproof! Tip #5: Lie about your lack of communication. Lastly, we have to speak to being somewhat untruthful. Sometimes in our lives, in order to move ahead, we have to be creative to ensure we are taken seriously. If this means that we must tell a fib, then so be it, and what better time then now? As our feathery friends will surely have difficulty navigating through this fog, this may be the perfect occasion to explain to a man that you have been trying to reach him however there is little way of doing so. Intensify this lie by stating that you have been trying to reach him even further into the past but that your owl had fallen sick and only recently became better. Or you have simply been under the weather yourself and refrained from travel of any kind. Ensure that you have him on your mind but not overly or inappropriately. |
June 24, 2018 – 4:32 AM
The Original Fake News
| How Long Could You Survive as A Muggle? | |
The rapid growth of the fog these past few weeks, and now the darkness, have brought about a pressing issue: How are we to live without magic? It does not matter who you are - your gender, your class, or your age - the lack of magic affects us all. It isn't just a mild inconvenience, it hinders us and makes daily task take far longer. So now, with the fog showing no sign of fading away, and now the darkness that covers us in Hogsmeade and Irvingly, the question arise just how long can we live without magic? Do you know off the top of your head where your everyday items are - hats, gloves, parasols? A) Down to the exact spot all the time B) I know the general area in which I left them C) Typically I know what room they are in D) I almost always have to summon them to me How often do you walk to where you need to go? A) Everywhere B) I walk for the most part but occasionally I travel by magical means C) I rarely walk, but I could if it came to it D) Never - I would even apparate to another room How well can you cook without magic? A) I never use magic to cook B) I will use magic to speed it up but primarily do it all without C) I will do a few details by hand but most is done with magic D) Not at all, I wouldn't even be sure how to Have you ever forgotten your wand before? A) I cannot remember the last time I had it B) I've forgotten it quite often C) I think I've forgotten it a day or two D) It never leaves my possession |
Do your hobbies involve any sort of acts magic on your part? A) No, I spend most of my time doing things like reading or playing the piano B) A little, I spend most of my time doing things like painting or playing chess that could be done without magic if I chose too C) A lot, I spend most of my time doing things like potion making or divination D) Entirely, I spend most of my time doing things that would not exist without magic like dueling or quidditch What type of career is your husband or family in? A) A store management position or something similar B) A desk based job in the Ministry C) A healer or field biased work for the Ministry D) A teacher at Hogwarts or some other wizarding school Mostly A's: You might has well been living as a muggle this whole time. This fog really hasn't impacted your daily life and you have gotten along far better than most of you family and neighbors. You could continue to live without magic without a struggle. Mostly B's: The adjustment to living without magic hasn't been without it's road blocks but for the most part it has gone very smoothly. Should the fog continue to hover, it will only take you a bit more time to adjust but you should have little to no issue. Mostly C's: Once the fog hit, you hit a lot of road blocks once the fog hit. You keep reaching for your wand and forgetting that nothing will happen. Adjusting to no magic has been a struggle and still is. You could possibly adjust over time to living like a muggle, however, it would likely take you months if not years. Mostly D's: The likelihood that you will ever adjust is slim to none. We would highly recommend you take the first oppertunity you can to leave to an area like London or a family country home where you could live with all the magical comforts. |
June 24, 2018 – 4:32 AM
The Original Fake News
| After years in the wilderness among savages, have J. Alfred Darrow and Pablo Medina truly forsaken their wild ways in favor of returning to civilization? Or is it possible that they harbor decidedly un-English sympathies or participate in strange practices from the comfort of home? | Savages Among Us: The Trials of Darrow & Medina Revealed Regular readers of the Daily Prophet may have been anticipating the arrival of The Untold Story of the Sycorax Expedition, a collection of journal entries, illustrations, and more traditional narrative selections authored by Captain J. Alfred Darrow, one of the two survivors of the disastrous expedition which set sail in 1882. Although only released earlier this week, the book was available for preorder through owl earlier this month, and has already become something of a sensation — despite the fact that the publisher warned off consumption by the fairer sex, due to some of the more scandalous events covered within the book's pages. If you happen not to be one of the many women who ordered the book through mail so as to be able to read it without being actually seen to purchase it, we can summarize some of the more salacious elements, most of which deal with the life of Darrow and his companion, Mr. Pablo Medina, after they assimilated with a local tribe. Mr. Darrow's journal entries detail strikingly uncivilized practices, including the fact that hardly anyone in the village was ever clothed beyond the barest covering over their genitals, and fornication outside of the institution of marriage (which seemed to be quite an unknown concept to them) was rampant. These details might, perhaps, be considered merely academically if it were not for the insinuation in the narrative (and, on certain points, blunt admittance) that the castaways partook in these savage practices, as well. Both men received tattoos during their time in the tribe, joined hunting parties, participated in primitive battles against other tribes on occasion, and learned a rudimentary form of magic in lieu of using any of the skills taught at Hogwarts to aid them in survival.  J. Alfred Darrow authored The Untold Story of the Sycorax Expedition, giving the average citizen an insight into the strange practices of the savages of South America.
Most worrisome of all, however, is what the book leaves unsaid. In a previous encounter with savage local peoples, many of the crew of the Sycorax were murdered in cold blood — and Mr. Darrow suspected, as he wrote at the time, that they had been eaten. The fear of cannibalism remains a prevelant one through many pages of his narrative — but then disappears entirely once he has joined forces with the locals. With only a cryptic reference to their 'strange dietary customs' he entirely leaves out the question of how these tribesmen sustained themselves, which leads one to wonder — is it possible that these two formerly civilized Englishmen have ever tasted human flesh?  Magizoologist Pablo Medina — the face of a cannibal?
Whatever the case, we advise readers to keep an appropriate distance between both men, as it seems unlikely that they can have escaped their time with the savages entirely unscathed. If the two gentleman are ever able to return to normal society after years in the wilderness remains to be seen, but we would hardly want to be the first to test their manners! |
June 24, 2018 – 4:33 AM
The Original Fake News
| What Is Your Hidden Talent? | ||
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June 24, 2018 – 4:33 AM
The Original Fake News
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