Issue #182 - Heartthrobs and Hecklers: The Hogwarts Coming Out Ball
June 3, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
June 3, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Steps to a Great First Season | |
| With the new societal season comes new debutantes that have freshly graduated from Hogwarts or are making their debuts in other ways. It can be quite difficult to navigate one’s first season which can sometimes lead to women becoming spinsters if they don’t learn their lesson straight off. The following are the five steps that we believe can help assure a great first season for our new debutantes! Be Witty but not too Intelligent. It is important to draw a man in and many claim to prefer witty women. When it comes down to long term commitment, however, most men cannot abide the thought of an overly intelligent wife. If you’re the sort that knows everything about anything than keep that hidden. A woman that is too knowledgeable is quite unattractive and mildly annoying to those she might converse with. Be flirtatious without being too forward! When it comes to attracting a man, there is no harm in being just the right amount of flirtatious. Be charming but not a harlot. There is nothing worse for a womans reputation that to be labelled as a floozy. Such an occurrence would cause attention from the wrong sort of man to come your way and women of good standing will not want to be seen with you. Just look at what happened to Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour who is very much a cautionary tale for any young debutante. Her behavior is absolutely one that no respectable young lady should ever emulate. |
Always look your best without being too outlandish. Appearance is a very important factor when it comes to making an impression on society. First impressions matter and one bad hair day could ruin your chances to make solid connections! It is also important to not be too over the top when it comes to ones wardrobe. A dress with too many embellishments can be quite an eyesore. Simple enchantments if needed are definitely the way to go! Have a mentor. The smart thing for any new debutante to do is to find a successful socialite to guide you into society. Mothers or sisters might work well but they could also be too biased towards you to be particularly useful, especially if you are in need of a bit of tough love. Do not select older unmarried debutantes for your mentor - they likely are still unmarried for a reason and cannot possibly be any help to you. Choose suitors wisely! While it may be tempting to chase after that handsome, wild bachelor, it is much more beneficial for you to choose someone that is reliable. A wild bachelor will become a wild husband and that will become terrible for you in the long run. You should also be careful to not pay heed to any suitors that are also paying their attentions to many other women for they are unlikely to progress the acquaintanceship to a courtship. |
June 3, 2018 – 2:27 PM
The Original Fake News
Man of excellent character and great wealth seeks a wife who is willing and able to overlook an eccentric and at times notorious family, physical imperfections, and a complicated personal history. The ideal bride must be of pure blood and good intellect and will be rewarded with a comfortable life and a caring and devoted husband with something of a hidden romantic streak and a wry sense of humor. Young lady, of means and relative beauty, with an interest in flowers, plants and herbology, seeks gentleman of wit, intelligence and similar interests for conversation and possible courtship. Adventurous gentleman with the healing touch seeks an ideal woman: the one who can keep up with him on his flights of fancy and keep him grounded all at once. |
She should love a bit of fun and not take herself too seriously, but have a sensible head on her shoulders. A pretty face is, of course, always an asset. Fiery flier seeks handsome healer to fix her thrice-broken heart. Above-average stature and a love of quidditch come second to a preference for feisty women. Puddlemere supporters need not apply. Seeking a vivacious and bright young lady interested in helping a diviner who has Seen everything see that she is the right match for him! Heir of nine-and-twenty to a Welsh manor that will no doubt need a mistress—could it be you? Mature debutante with infectious smile and the kindest of hearts seeks comfortable bachelor or widower for harmonious marriage. |
The ideal gentleman will be a part of society but not a slave to it, gentle in nature, and have no intention of moving abroad. The only thing stopping us is your own hesitation, so hesitate no longer in reaching out! A handsome and wealthy young widower is seeking a new wife to raise a family with and to care for his motherless daughter as if she were her own. The lady would need to be young and perfectly poised, genteel and graceful; a perfect society wife-to-be. That she is a renowned beauty would be preferred, although an outstanding personality is of greater importance. Her family must be respectable and it is preferable that she has attended a Finishing school of good repute. Handsome bachelor with a heart full of compassion and a family tree full of political clout seeks equally handsome young lady with whom to share his life. Hailing from a large family, a wife to help him build another is crucial to his ultimate happiness. My life is empty without you! |
| Happiness is just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Lonely Hearts, Witch Weekly. | ||
June 3, 2018 – 2:27 PM
The Original Fake News
| Heartthrobs and Hecklers: The Hogwarts Coming Out Ball | |
| Another school year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has come to an end, which means a new batch of debutantes has debuted into magical society! The Hogwarts Coming Out Ball is more than just a dance, though; for many debutantes, this is their time to make first impressions among potential suitors and solidify themselves as the most eligible debutantes! Today, however, Witch Weekly is covering more than simply the debutantes — we’re covering the eligible (and not-so-eligible) gentleman who made an appearance, the clumsy encounters, and the juicy drama everyone should know about!  Mr. Reuben Crouch — on the hunt once more a debutante to destroy?Mr. Reuben Crouch, nearing 29 and still fully incapable of supporting a wife (what does he do for a living nowadays?) was seen traversing the Great Hall, paying attention to various young ladies throughout the evening. Miss Helga Scamander, Hufflepuff graduate of 1887, was seen unfortunately losing her shoe in his vicinity, and more unfortunately for her, the notorious bachelor swooped in to help! Hopefully she’s less impressionable than the similarly-notorious Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour, who was rumored to be involved with Mr. Crouch earlier this spring! Various professors were seen also in attendance, likely supporting their graduating students, but many have suspected that the professors — especially the wealthier ones! — were scouring the troves of debutantes for potential brides! Professor Mason Skeeter, 31, was seen standing around awkwardly with a drink in his hand. Rumors have speculated that he won’t marry a young woman who was once under his instruction; such a rule might be difficult to follow as the the newer batch of debutantes become ones who were directly under his instruction at one point or another. |
Miss Madeleine Backus, graduating Hufflepuff prefect, was seen in a dress far outside what a young woman from her family might wear! Her sister, the newly-eloped Mrs. Magdalena Bryne, revived an inheritance upon her marriage, so one could only expect the younger Miss Backus might try to tackle the season! Unfortunately for her, ill manners and lacking knowledge of societal conventions are likely to be her downfall — we predict she'll make a fool out of herself within a month's time! Miss Madeleine Backus — a baker's daughter disguised as a debutante?Less likely to make a fool of herself is Miss Katherine Midford. the debuting head girl who we can't ignore here at Witch Weekly. With her blonde hair and flowing gown, we predict that she'll be the centerpiece of the upcoming season — with perhaps only Miss Hope Crawford, graduating Gryffindor, right behind her! Miss Jossima Warbeck, notorious spinster and captain of the Holyhead Harpies quidditch team, was spotted wandering the Great Hall, seemingly drunk! She spoke to other quidditch players and adjacents, notably holding an awkward conversation with Chudley sponsor Nathaniel Gallivan. Bystanders even reported hearing her using expletives! Such unladylike actions indeed! She later spoke to young ladies, many of whom were still attending the school. Perhaps she was searching for new recruits? With the Summer Solstice Festival coming to town later this month, we can only hope that this season will have more to offer than the 1884 one — which, unfortunately for many debuting debutantes that year, brought a plague that sent a number of magical families into mourning! |
June 3, 2018 – 2:27 PM
The Original Fake News
| A sampling of gossip overheard this month! | Heard Around Town! Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour hasn't been back to work at the hospital, but it's clear she hasn't made any attempt to reconcile with her family since her disappearance, either. How do you suppose she intends to support herself? I heard someone say she was planning on running away with the circus when it comes to town this summer, but surely they couldn't have been serious! Aside from the charity auction last month, it seems Rufina Mulciber doesn't have a single event planned for the season — unless you've received some invitation I haven't? She also looked a little rounder the last time I saw her out and about. It's been eight years since her daughter was born, but do you think she might be expecting again? That would certainly explain the lighter schedule! Someone said that once Mr. Pettigrew works out all the kinks in his new sport for women, he plans to lobby the Department of Magical Games and Sports to have ladies removed from the professional Quidditch League entirely! Do you suppose they would disband the Holyhead Harpies, or hire men instead? A friend told me Inès Valentine — that Seer who was just in the Prophet — came to England on a special commission from one particularly wealthy (and particularly hopeless) spinster. They didn't say exactly who, but doesn't it sound like the sort of thing Mr. Lovegood might purchase for his sister? There's hardly a chance she'll marry otherwise! |
June 3, 2018 – 2:28 PM
The Original Fake News
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