Issue #255 — Meredith Watchword's Society News
March 15, 2021 – 4:11 AM
The Original Fake News
March 15, 2021 – 4:11 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Ghost That Wouldn't Go | |
| Anyone who graduated Hogwarts has met at least a handful of ghosts. For most of us, our lives are peppered with interactions with spirits. You may even have a ghost in your extended family. But what happens when a ghost becomes unwelcome? Daphne Winters was married in 1879 and had two children. Her husband passed away during the laughing plague of 1884, but lingered in their Bartonburg house as a ghost. "At first I was glad that he stayed," Daphne told us, "But it got to be too much very quickly. He was still laughing all the time, filling the house with the noise. It started scaring the children." The late Mr. Winters wanted to be involved with the lives of his children, and would not take his wife's gentle suggestion that it might be best for him to steer clear. When he wouldn't relent, she took the children to her sister's house for a little peace and quiet. "He got restless after we left. He started wandering to the neighbor's houses, looking for something to do. They wrote me to complain. That's when I contacted the Spirit Division at the Ministry." |
The Spirit Division has the power to issue restraining orders to ghostly residents who overstep their bounds and harass the living. In cases where restraining orders have been violated, they can also perform exorcisms. Exorcised spirits are left to wander freely, but are magically barred from returning to the area they have been exorcised from. Most eventually disappear. Experts are uncertain whether this is due to listlessness which causes them to be more willing to 'cross over,' or whether being removed from their place of origin physically weakens the ghost and eventually forces them to dissipate. "After the restraining order was issued, he became belligerent," Mrs. Winters told our reporters. "The man I'd married was gone, replaced by this... angry, bitter thing. It was heartbreaking." Mrs. Winters moved in with her sister permanently and placed the house up for sale, but the presence of Mr. Winters deterred potential buyers. Eventually, she requested the Ministry to intervene with an exorcism. "It would have been better if he'd just died," Daphne said in closing. "At least we would have had his memory, unsullied by all this unpleasantness." |
March 15, 2021 – 4:11 AM
The Original Fake News
| If you didn't attend the Transfiguration Teacup Trials yesterday you'll want to make sure you attend next year and see Mr. Zabini defend his win! | Domitian Zabini: The Facts You may recognize Mr. Zabini from his victory yesterday at the Transfiguration Teacup Trials. Anyone in the crowd of spectators yesterday would have found it impossible not to be impressed by his transfiguration skill, but what else do we know about this talented wizard?  Chief of the Law Enforcement Office Squad An important role and definitely one of the more hands-on posts in the Minstry, although one wonders with such talents why Mr. Zabini never considered a career in the Auror Office. He's married We're sad to disappoint the eligible ladies of society but Mr. Zabini is married. His wife, Matilda Zabini, was born Matilda Longbottom and is the sister of notable socialite Rufina Mulciber. The couple have a son and a daughter together, both now of Hogwarts age. He's an animagus Possibly not the most surprising fact after yesterday's display but highly impressive nonetheless! According to Ministry records Mr. Zabini's animagus form is that of a jaguar. Becoming an animagus is notoriously difficult and dangerous, if you needed further proof of Zabini's mastery of the transfigurative arts then here it is. He likes to hunt In his spare time Mr. Zabini is known to enjoy hunting which seems perfectly in character for a man who can turn into one of nature's greatest hunters. He collects taxidermy Whilst many like to collect stuffed animals, one has to wonder if this interest also has something to do with his inner jaguar. Dragon patronus Apparently his patronus does not match his animagus form and is in fact a dragon! It is incredibly rare for a patronus to take on the form of a magical creature, let alone one as powerful as that of a dragon! I certainly wouldn't like to be the dementor on the receiving end of that, would you? Family Drama Another reason you might know of Mr. Zabini is the family scandal that shook society some years ago. His father, Cosmo Zabini, divorced his mother after finding out she was not a pureblood after all. His father has since remarried twice, most recently to the former Mrs. Calliope Riley née Browne. How shocking! |
March 15, 2021 – 4:12 AM
The Original Fake News
| Meredith Watchword's Society News | |
| If you were shocked or intrigued by the tale of Miss Binns and Mr. MacFusty's escapades in Southampton, this week brings another interesting letter from one Meredith Watchword, for the edification of our readers: | |
| A mystery, for those inclined to such things: What is the matter with Melody Crouch? Our Cast of Characters: Mrs. Melody Crouch — a woman who was generally believed to be very intelligent, until she made the undeniably silly decision to elope last Valentine's Day and proved herself to be, first and foremost, a creature of emotion; Mister Reuben Crouch — husband to the above, (reformed?) rake and general rapscallion with a career history as sporadic and lackluster as a drunk's attempts at sobriety; Mrs. Ellory Lestrange — a fixture of society less by virtue of any facet of her personality, taste, or poise and more because no one cares to offend her myriad of fearsome relatives by excluding her; Mrs. Bella Scrimgeour — either a fallen woman, or one who jumped, depending on how well you know the story; and, potentially, half a dozen others... The Tale As is befitting a mystery, the tale is comprised not so much by a series of facts, but a lack of them. Namely, Mrs. Melody Crouch, formerly a well-established if not necessarily well-respected figure of middle class society, seems to have vanished. She has not been seen at an event since January — in fact, since her husband Reuben Crouch was sighted on the doorstep of his mother-in-law Mrs. Marianne Finch, which was what spurred my own interest in her whereabouts. Of course this is a slow time of year for social events, but her absence can not be entirely explained by a lack of invitations; she (and her husband) were at least invited to the charity event at which Mr. MacFusty and Miss Binns met with misfortune, or might have attended either the art or orchestral offerings over the past two months, but were notably absent from both. The mystery settles on Mrs. Crouch and not on Mr. Crouch because despite the lack of social calls, he has been nothing if not present in public this year; his whiskey-slinging career seems to have kept him busy chasing the tails of anyone in Hogsmeade with even a galleon to their name. So what has kept Mrs. Crouch confined to her home? A sudden illness, or some secretive project? Was the source of her isolation also the impetus to drive Reuben Crouch to the Finch home in January? She has, notably, not been seen in the Hogsmeade Hospital or the Irvingly Infirmary, despite the great length of time this supposed illness has consumed. What has kept her from seeking treatment? A few possibilities: Her husband's finances, perhaps — it is no secret that the Finches are well above Mr. Crouch's social station; in trying to provide for a wife with more expensive tastes than his (and on such a meager salary as what must be allowed to a glorified beer salesman) has he overstretched the boundaries of his pocketbook, leaving nothing left for treatment in Mrs. Crouch's hour of need? Her own pride — which takes little explanation except to say that of course a woman who put aside a perfectly viable courtship in order to pursue her own desires in the course of an evening must have a great deal of it — or perhaps she merely gives her own sensibility more credit than it deserves, and expects she will know best in every instance. | Something more sinister — "marry at haste, repent at leisure," as the saying goes. Far be it from me to imply that Mr. Crouch would ever wish harm upon his wife, but — well, if he has had plenty of time to repent his hasty marriage a year ago, perhaps he is not quite so inclined to expend every possible measure of treatment. Reuben CrouchFor his part, her husband Reuben Crouch seems to be hedging his bets, which may offer some clue into the reasoning behind his wife's absence from the hospital. He was sighted in the company of a well-known former flame of his, Miss Scrimgeour, at the Irvingly Zoo, after apparently taking time to visit her during the middle of her work day (for what purpose, only heaven may claim to know), and was seen in bright spirits enjoying the good company of at least one other working class woman — presumably an innocent, so I will spare her name from publication — though perhaps not so innocent when Mr. Crouch has finished with her. Nor are his dalliances confined to the less reputable and more vulnerable members of female society. During his tours of the parlors of Wellingtonshire, peddling his wares, he called on one Mrs. Ellory Lestrange — a name not previously associated with Mr. Crouch, though apparently only through the machinations of her family and a good sight of luck. Those not particularly close to either party may be surprised to know that Mrs. Lestrange once spent not moments or even hours but an entire day alone with Mr. Crouch, after he gave her a portkey for Mexico (accidentally, as the story goes — you may judge for yourself whether it seems the sort of thing Mr. Crouch might accomplish entirely by accident). Of course, if Mr. Crouch is hoping to plan ahead for his eventual days as a widower and has begun cozying up to Mrs. Lestrange, it is clear that marriage is not on his mind — but, of course, most of society was very surprised to hear that it was ever on his mind to begin with, knowing the reputation Mr. Crouch has. Perhaps having married in haste and repented at leisure once, he is ready to stick to more... temporary alliances?  Ellory Lestrange |
March 15, 2021 – 4:12 AM
The Original Fake News
You were a sprightly thing with nimble fingers. I didn't even realize you had snatched away my coin purse as I was too taken by your eyes and smile. You have stolen my heart and while it is unlikely you subscribe to Witch Weekly, I had to take a chance. Please save me from my longing for you, my little thief. You did horridly at the Teacup Trials and I simply do not know what you were thinking. Why would you bother to enter in the first place if you apparently did not know a thing about Transfiguration? I will be keeping my eye on you in future events of the same nature. Do better or I will take it upon myself to instruct you myself and neither of us want that. |
To the woman in Wellingtonshire that was tossing her husbands things out onto the lawn, I have something of yours. My dog had run off with some clothing that seems to be feminine in nature and I can only conclude that it is something of yours. It is quite lacy. I will be leaving it on your mail box because I am too embarrassed to face anyone in your household. To the other young woman that was also stuck in a London clothing store during the blizzard, I think we could both be great friends. Especially since it became apparent that we both loathe one particular socialite. Let us be friends in our mutual hate for her. |
To the man that was practicing his Keeping skills near the park - give up. I overheard you telling your chum that you plan to try out for professional Qudditch next season and I just don't think you have what it takes. Maybe actually learn how to fly a broom first. We have been communicating via hidden notes in the library for a while now and I think it is time that we met. I think we have the potential to be very good friends and I would love to talk to you more about Alchemy while enjoying a good meal or cup of coffee. |
| Happiness is just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Missed Connections, Witch Weekly. | ||
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