Issue #229 - Society Lives in Limericks
March 16, 2020 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
March 16, 2020 – 12:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| While this method of brewing liquid luck is a lot faster and easier, errors are still easily made and can be quite serious. | Foolproof Felix Felicis! Felix Felicis is typically expensive and hard to find for sale in a shop. As any potioneer will be able to tell you, however, the brewing of it is even more challenging and takes six months to produce. Not anymore! Witch Weekly are proud to present this new and improved recipe for liquid luck — even a novice can brew it! As with traditional Felix Felicis you must be careful how much you take, too much can cause serious side-effects. Ingredients:
Method: As in the original recipe, add the ashwinder egg to your cauldron along with the horseradish and begin heating. Next take the squill bulb and squeeze the juice from it. Add this to your simmering potion and stir it swiftly in a clockwise direction for twenty seconds. Dice the murtlap tentacles and add them to the potion, followed by the turmeric tincture. Mix the potion swiftly again but this time in the opposite direction. Next you will need to add the occamy eggshell, first break into pieces of approximately one inch in size. Stir slowly. Take a pinch of powdered rue and sprinkle into the cauldron. Then add the saffron and stir gently for two minutes in a counter clockwise direction. Keep the cauldron over low embers for 12 hours. After 12 hours increase the heat until the concoction is gently bubbling and then stir the cauldron clockwise four times. Leave it for one more hour. After the hour has passed cast the incantation 'Felixemptra' upon the potion. It should now be a splendid golden hue and ready for bottling. |
March 16, 2020 – 12:38 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Irish In Our Midst While St. Patrick's Day approaching, you may feel more inclined to indulge in Irish traditions or feel more appreciative of Irish culture. You may not be aware, however, that even within the bounds of Hogsmeade there are several established magical families from Ireland, as well as some others in the wider English magical community. In this article, we'll introduce you to a few of them, and offer some interesting facts and tidbits! The Devines This is one family whose Irish roots is probably no secret, as the elder Devines maintain a house in Ireland and their son, Roberto Devine, is the sponsor of the Irish Quidditch team the Kenmare Kestrels. We have heard rumors that the Devine family was not well pleased with their son's choice of Ophelia Devine as a wife due to both her halfblood heritage and more humble origins; is her lack of Irish heritage another point of contention for the growing family? The Connollys Although the Connollys do not live in Hogsmeade, their impact on English society cannot be understated due to the vast number of them and their proclivity to go into public-facing fields such as medicine and law. The majority of the Connolly family lives in their ancestral home, although a significant portion of it was lost in a fire several decades ago and has yet to been rebuilt. The Dempseys Well-known members of this family include poet parents Eamon and Lowri, three older sons and three younger daughters, none of whom have married yet (and the oldest of whom, Porphyria Dempsey, seems headed towards spinsterhood at this rate). Fittingly, due to their choice of hobby, the Dempseys named all of their children after figures from poetry, and their middle names are all names of famous poets. Aideen McClary Not a very well known figure in society due to her status as a spinster and the fact that she does not come from magical heritage, but arguably one that parents with students at Hogwarts should know; Miss McClary is the Gryffindor House matron, and therefore tasked with the indoctrination of young women both in that house and more generally throughout the school. This Irish lass is rumored to be fluent in Gaelic! Honorable Mentions While the following could hardly be said to be Irish families, they do have Irish heritage and are fairly noteworthy in English society: The Fisks: Brannon Fisk, father of many prominent society figures and father-in-law to the current Minister of Magic, is half Irish on his mother's side, which makes the entire Fisk family (and their cousins, the Fudges) one-quarter Irish, though it is unclear whether any have kept this cultural heritage. The Fisks are also Jewish, though the Fudges are, as far as we can tell, not. The Skeeters: Not the Barnabas Skeeter branch, but rather their cousins who are somewhat less likely to make headlines. Morwenna Skeeter, head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, is of Irish decent, which makes her son Mason Skeeter, Hogwarts Herbology professor, half Irish. |
 Finnian Byrne, a member of the broader Connelly Family Gryffindor Matron Aideen McClary |
March 16, 2020 – 12:38 AM
The Original Fake News
| Disclaimer: The esteemed anonymous author of these poems takes no responsibility for flaws in the syllables or any failures of scansion of these poems. Nonsense is nonsense, folks; sometimes one must simply put up with it. |
Society Lives in Limericks This coming week sees the celebration of St. Patrick's Day, and with it all things Irish. Whilst there does not exist a great deal for Ireland to take pride in, one cannot argue that they are the cultural masters of coarseness, obscenity, and all things vulgar... including, of course, the nonsense poem. Thus, what better time to present a collection of poems by an anonymous writer in celebration of our society? Can you guess who the portraits of these poems are, or do you need to brush up on your gossip? Lost his station, and perhaps his sobriety, For his wife is deceased And his daughter’s a beast But hey — at least life has variety? Getting lost in a fertile Mongolian pasture: Gave birth to a boy Now she has to play coy Bet her husband won’t trust her hereafter. Dragged home and yet grew up far too wild, Got scarred by her dad And lost all she had And now the poor tart is reviled. For he seems to break everyone he does touch No time to beg marriage: She’s killed by a carriage For the next girl to live, is that asking too much? (with longing, perhaps, for her husband’s a bore) Was she tired of life? Or a dull, preening wife? For even Death seems to want her no more! Arrangements were made to get her life back in tune —But where did she go? The poor bloke doesn’t know She skipped the wedding for a new honeymoon. |
March 16, 2020 – 12:38 AM
The Original Fake News
| Heard Around Town I heard that Mirielle Lécuyer only eloped with Sun Smith because he found out she was a werewolf and her parents promised him a hefty dowry if he married her to keep the secret. August Echelon-Arnost obviously lacks any and all morality. After he got that vampire released, I would never allow any of my daughters to marry him. Doesn't he know those creatures need to be locked up? Edric Umbridge was quietly removed from the Auror Office, and I heard it's because his wife is pregnant again. They claimed they were victims of the amortentia-laced letters, but I hardly believe it anymore. J. Alfred Darrow's boat has been docked at sea for a few weeks now, and one of the sailors of a nearby boat told my husband that it's being checked for traces of a foreign plague! I can't believe the Ministry is trying to sweep it under the rug! |
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