Issue #172 - 5 Bachelors To Stay Away From
March 25, 2018 – 2:05 PM
The Original Fake News
March 25, 2018 – 2:05 PM
The Original Fake News
| The only logical reason Miss Lovegood would have abandoned her fiancé would have been impending scandal, especially at her age! How could she have known of the horrors that would befall the Urquart family? Her secret powers, of course! | Adelia Lovegood: The Secret Seer Many remember the embarrassment suffered by both Mr. Balthazar Urquart, former Minister of Magic, and his former fianceé, Miss Adelia Lovegood, when she abandoned him at the wedding altar in the midst of their vows! Gossip circulated for months, with many questioning why she would make such a rash decision so late into the ceremony! However, we at Witch Weekly believe we’ve discovered the reason for this: Miss Adelia Lovegood is no ordinary tactless spinster — she’s a seer! Such an explanation would fit perfectly into the events that followed her sudden running off. A month later, it was discovered that Minister Urquart's daughter, Miss Topaz Urquart, was suffering from lycanthropy after being bitten by an unknown werewolf during the summer! Based on what we know, Miss Urquart could not have suffered the bite before the marriage was meant to take place — which leaves us to believe Miss Lovegood must have foreseen the tragic turn of events mid-ceremony! The question that now remains is: Why would fate doom an otherwise respectable young woman in such a manner? Why would she have to choose between remaining unmarried, unloved for the rest of her life or risk disgrace by marrying into a family that continues to support a werewolf in the family? It seems unfair, if you’d ask us! Of course, one could argue it was a test of loyalty; Miss Lovegood’s actions still demonstrate a great selfishness, as she left the completely clueless Minister Urquart without any knowledge of what horrific events were destined to fall upon her family. To think — if she would have said something, Minister Urquart and Miss Topaz Urquart could have been spared such heartache! |
March 25, 2018 – 2:05 PM
The Original Fake News
| Why Hasn't He Proposed Yet? | |
| Any courting girl knows the feeling! When is he going to pop the question? Take our quiz to find out - and maybe get a few hints for speeding him along! How would you describe your beau? A) Very romantic! B) Very attentive; he treats me very well. C) Amiable and sweet, in his way. D) A bit distant. He's the brooding sort. What are his finances like? A) I've never had any reason to suspect they weren't in good condition. B) We've talked about it and he's quite comfortable! He recently bought a house, too! C) They must be good, since he's so focused on his career! We hardly spend any time together since he's always working! D) He hasn't mentioned it, but he seems hesitant to spend a lot of money when we're out together. How long did you know him before you began courting? A) A moderate length of time. B) Hardly any time at all - it was love at first sight! C) He's an old family friend. We've known each other for years. D) Everyone has always known we were going to marry; I suppose I've known him forever! What sorts of things do you do together? A) He likes to surprise me with things he knows I'll enjoy, and he often brings me gifts of flowers. B) It hardly matters what we do; the main thing is that we're together! C) We mostly do things that he enjoys, but I don't mind! D) He's often too busy to go out to things, unfortunately. |
How often do you talk? A) He makes regular visits and we exchange occasional letters in between. B) Constantly! When we can't see each other, we send letters daily. C) We don't tend to write to each other except to arrange our little outings. D) Not often; really just when we've both been invited to the same places and we see each other there. What are your expectations for the proposal? A) I hope it's rather grand - I'll have to tell the story a dozen times at least, after all! B) It doesn't matter a bit to me, and I think he knows that! C) He hasn't said much about it, but I've heard a few things from people who know him well. I think he'll use a family heirloom ring, which is so sweet! D) I just hope it happens! Mostly As: He's probably waiting for a special occasion to ask, or otherwise trying to make the moment as romantic as possible for you. Just be patient, and he's sure to exceed your expectations when he does ask! Mostly Bs: The proposal is imminent, we've no doubt! You'll be engaged within the fortnight! Mostly Cs: It doesn't seem like marriage is much on his mind. You may need to orchestrate some scenarios to get him thinking along the right lines, or asking mutual friends to drop hints on your behalf! Mostly Ds: Desperate measures are called for. See whether you can get your family members to apply some pressure or otherwise incentivize him to move forward, as he seems unlikely to do so of his own volition! |
March 25, 2018 – 2:06 PM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Bachelors to Stay Away From! | |
The quest to find a suitable husband can be quite trying in today’s world. Most especially when there doesn’t seem to be enough men in the world that suits ones particular tastes. What can be quite certain, however, is that there are also certain men that one should be extremely cautious about courting. Indeed, it might be best to avoid these men in a courtly sense altogether and just enjoy their existence from afar!  Reuben Crouch, younger brother of the much more eligible Aldous and Roman Crouch.It is not known for certain what Reuben Crouch actually does for a living though some reports state that he works as a Cursebreaker. A career certainly suitable for an upper class man but not so much for one’s ideal husband. The dangers that can be found within the career could leave one a young widow! Not only that Mister Crouch has been known to associate with both Mister Howell Merrick and Mister Arthur Pettigrew, not the ideal connections for a woman looking to be an upstanding citizen!  Howell Merrick, a gentleman of leisure.While a first born heir and quite a wealthy husband, Mister Howell Merrick has been known to engage in scandalous behaviors. And seemingly with no remorse or care for discretion, at that! His mother is said to still be alive but has not been seen in society since the death of her husband. One can only wonder if there is something more sinister at play in that regard. At any rate, with Mister Howell Merrick being a known rake, it is best for a young lady to stay far away thus she end up ruined! |
 Vincent Walton, another gentleman of leisureWhile very much a husband to aspire for on paper, Mister Vincent Walton has proven - time and again - to be quite unsuitable as a husband for any respectable woman. Openly scandalous to a degree that might even make Mister Howell Merrick blush and possessing a terrible personality, Vincent Walton is definitely not someone one should be acquainted with, let alone marry!  Jude Wright, an activist.While certainly a joy to look at, Mister Wright does not seem to hold an occupation other than being an activist for various causes. He definitely does not seem like he would be able to support a wife financially. Not only that, he spends quite a bit of time in the company of a variety of shady individuals, even women!  Barnabas Skeeter, Head of the Dueling CommissionMister Barnabas Skeeter is quite easily the least offensive of these group of men. However, this Witch Weekly reporter cannot forget the stance that the man originally held on female dueling. Being quite the advocate for making female sanctioned dueling illegal, he changed his tune once the Wizenmagot made their decision. Was it a change of heart or was Mister Skeeter simply trying to save face? Either way, a young lady must beware of a man who is so fickle in his opinions! |
March 25, 2018 – 2:06 PM
The Original Fake News
| This month's gossip really proves that everyone keeps secrets! | Heard Around Town! After we reported on his entanglement with Miss Dippet last week, we heard that Mr. Rufus Bixby has also been spotted with Miss Bella Scrimgeour! You don't suppose that he's become a heartbreaker, do you? Mr. Lysander Lupin shares a first name with August Echelon-Arnost's ward? Our sources are saying it's more than coincidence - maybe Mr. Lupin is the boy's real father, and Mr. Echelon-Arnost took him in because of Leon Lupin marrying his sister. When Miss Cassandra Trelawney spilled soup on Mr. Aldous Crouch in the Casino, she told him his fortune so that he wouldn't be angry with her. I wonder if she told him how to snag a wife before his brothers do? Miss Ambrosia Shinnick was in St. Mungo's hospital earlier this month, claiming to have been bitten by a tentacula. But what if it was actually a vampire? Her family's wealthy enough that they may be able to buy blood without registering her with the Ministry! Apparently Mrs. Antigone Lestrange was in the House of Lytton buying mourning wear! I know she hasn't been out much lately, but I still hadn't heard that anyone had died... Or perhaps she's just gone a bit 'odd' after too much time indoors? Mr. J. Alfred Darrow was spotted in Knockturn Alley! You don't suppose he was buying anything nefarious for that expedition of his? I can't think of any good reason for anyone to be down there, but I suppose that they are going to some awfully dangerous locations... |
March 25, 2018 – 2:06 PM
The Original Fake News
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