Issue #198: The 7 Most Desperate Bachelors of the '88 Season
September 23, 2018 – 5:31 PM
The Original Fake News
September 23, 2018 – 5:32 PM
The Original Fake News
| Three New Potions for the Struggling Debutante! Even with the delayed start to the seasons, at this point one is likely to know whether they are or are not well suited to the life of a debutante. For those who are, the season is a wonderful thing. You thrive at the balls, parties, dinners, and various other events. Even more fortunate, you are far more likely to have captured a husband quicker. For those who aren't, the season is quite a bit more of a struggle. From those who don't quite know what to wear or those who just seem to not know what to say or say a bit too much, the season - even if the idea of what it entails sounds quite lovely - becomes a drag. Which, in turn, threatens your chances of finding a well-secured marriage as soon as possible. For those of you who struggle during the season and do not fancy a life of spinsterhood, and even those who don't but see nothing wrong with just a little bit of extra luck, we at Witch Weekly have compiled a list of three new potions to help you at you new social event! Draught of Grace A common issue in young debutante is the distinct lack of grace. Whether the girl is naturally clumsy or simply is uneasy in the social scene and therefore uncomfortable in her actions, the Draught of Grace is for her! Designed to last for roughly 12 hours, the Draught of Grace allows the drinker's actions to become far more graceful in nature making her seem more appealing and comfortable. 1. In a moderately heated potion base, combine the juice of a handful of boom berries. 2. Add in one and a half finely crushed billywig wings. 3. Stir counter-clockwise, three times and one way clockwise. 4. Mix in seven scruples of fluxweed. 5. Allow to set until the temperature cools to that of the room. 6. Mix in one ashwinder egg. 7. Wave wand over the potion and let rest overnight. Makes one does, stores up to a month. Ingredient ratio is critical for the desired effect. Overuse and incorrect ratios have been known to cause uncontrollable floating. Ashwinder eggs are flammable so handle with care. Dacing Legs Potion Dancing tends to be a large proportion of many social events and it is one of the prime ways for women to meet men. Anyone who either struggles at the skill set of dancing knows the dread of having a man sign her card, only to know she'll just disappoint him when the time came to dance. Or just simply if she just doesn't like to dance. Dancing Legs Potion takes over the motion of your legs for the duration of a dance leaving your mind free to focus on other things. As it doesn't rely on your skill level, you'll be sure to impress everyone! 1. In your standard potion base, heated to high, add in 15 spider legs. 2. Stir clockwise four times. 3. When potion turns a shade of dark purple, add three moondew petals and four rose petals. 4. Let boil for fifteen minutes. 5. Add three billywig wings. 6. Wave wand over the potion. Makes ten doses, stores for up to a week. Potion last roughly the length of the average waltz - actual time may vary from user to user. Incorrect ratios or overuse could cause uncontrolled floating, non-stop dancing, and other less common things. Elixar to Reduce Shyness One of the largest struggles of the girl who is not at natural gifted at the art of social events is competing with those who are. Being shy can really make it difficult to put oneself out there in the proper ways. A little bit of confidence can go a long way in helping a girl leave the lasting impressions she desires. 1. In a moderately heated potion base add three grinder ashwinder eggshells. 2. Stir counter-clockwise seven times. 3. Add an alihotsy petal to the potion and heat for an hour. 4. Mix in a pinch of ground dragon claw. 5. Combine four sprigs of peppermint to the caudron. 6. Leave to simmer until a light pink color forms. 7. Add a piece of wiggentree bark. 8. Wave wand over the potion and let sit for another hour. Makes two doses, stores for up to a month. Ashwider eggs are flammable, use with caution. Overusage or incorrect brewing of the potion may the inability to stop talking, the loss of voice, or uncontrolled laughter. |
September 23, 2018 – 5:32 PM
The Original Fake News
| Tips To Combat A Wandering Womb | |
| As many of our readers know, a displaced womb can be the cause of many ills for the woman so afflicted and can also have dire consequences on her reproductive abilities, should the problem go uncorrected. This process has been understood since the time of ancient Romans! If you see yourself (or a woman close to you) beginning to display any of the following symptoms, try our tips at the end of the article to remedy the issue. Common Symptoms Miscarriage - Perhaps the most tragic and visible indicator of a wandering womb. Experts believe at least half and possibly as many as 90% of miscarriages are caused by a wandering womb. Difficulty becoming pregnant is also a common indicator. Sudden Pains or Intense Monthly Pain - Any unnatural ache or sharp pain can be caused by a womb which has lodged too far to the right or left, causing abdominal pain and disrupting the utility of other organs. Headaches or Frailty - A womb which rises too high can drain a woman's energy and leave her weak and fragile. Her thoughts can become sluggish and in some cases difficult thoughts can cause very intense headaches! Hysteria - Perhaps the most well-known symptom of a displaced womb, hysteria can affect all areas of your life and must be treated seriously! Failures of Temperament - An otherwise lovely woman who suddenly becomes irritable or difficult to talk to may be building up negative emotions due to a wandering womb. This is particular true of young women and recent brides who become unnaturally willful and independent. Sudden Death - Though if you've fallen victim to this symptom, our tips will hardly help you! |
Although the most extreme cases of a Wandering Womb will require intervention from a healer or perhaps a brief interment in an asylum, many more minor cases can be treated at home and can prevent the condition from getting unmanageable. Try some of these tips! 1) Apply perfume to your upper thighs or skirts. A lady's womb is attracted to pleasant scents and can be lured back into position with a tasteful application of perfume. Conversely, using scents too heavily in your normal day-to-day life can entice your insides to shift in undesirable ways, so ensure you never use too much perfume! 2) Try to become pregnant. As long as your womb is in the right place to begin with, carrying a child to term ensures that the organ is too heavy to move freely about! 3) Use laudanum or other opiates. In addition to easing pain, these can also lull your body into a more relaxed state, allowing things to realign naturally. 4) Adjust your corset sizing. If you have the opportunity for bedrest, wear loose clothing to give your body room to correct itself. If you must go out and about while afflicted, it's best to lace your corset as tightly as possible to prevent any further movement that may be caused by your activities. 5) An once of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Avoid exacerbating the problem by staying away from strenuous exercise, prolonged riding of broomsticks or horses, and avoiding masculine hobbies or careers. Experts suspect that the high levels of adrenaline produced by careers such as curse-breaking or a career in the auror's office may be incompatible with feminine sensitivities, and may dislodge a womb permanently. 6) If your condition does not improve, ask your husband or father to consult a healer on your behalf. They will be better able to describe your full range of symptoms, having an outside perspective, and can ensure you get the help you need! |
September 23, 2018 – 5:33 PM
The Original Fake News
| The 7 Most Desperate Bachelors of the '88 Season Here at Witch Weekly, we pride ourselves on keeping up with social season so that you don’t have to. We’ve been keeping tabs on several bachelors for at least one season longer than is fashionable. As a favor to our readers, we want to highlight these bachelors that have an increasing scent of desperation for those thinking of marriage in the very, very near future. Though they are not the cream of the crop, they could be just the right man for you!  Mr. August Echelon-ArnostWhilst pureblooded and of a reasonably well-off family, Mr. Echelon-Arnost seems to have had some trouble in the marriage department. This is likely due to several members of his family having less than stellar reputations, but if that doesn’t bother you, you also ought to be aware that he once was engaged to Miss Lyra Potter - before she ‘died’ and outed herself as a vampire several years later. He is handsome, thirty-one and was a Ravenclaw. He’s a bit progressive in his views, so would be best suited with a woman who has an open-mind, a gentle heart and is not put off by his mild cripplement. May we suggest that you also have an interest in politics and patience with children, as Mr. Echelon-Arnost has custody of a young ward.  Mr. Aldous CrouchAlso a pureblood, Mr. Crouch is thirty-two, a former Slytherin, and is the current Head of the Department of International Magical Co-Operation. He is reserved but responsible and his reputation is mostly above reproach - save for his brother Reuben Crouch, who has been featured in our magazine several times this year. We are positive that he would make a wonderful, kind husband to a woman who is pleasant, dark-haired and dark-eyed (to oppose Mr. Crouch’s light hair and eyes to even out any possible children that could come of the marriage) and does not mind that Mr. Crouch has a limp.  Mr. Sydney PodmoreA halfblood at thirty-seven years of age, Mr. Podmore is nearly a confirmed bachelor. Still, he’s good-looking, active in his employment as the Assistant Head of Creature Induced Injuries at St. Mungo’s Hospital and would make a suitable husband for a woman who is not put off by his private demeanor. It would take just the right sort of woman who could break down his walls and show him how to love - for that is what Mr. Podmore needs and likely is holding out for - a love match.  Mr. Lionel LupinMr. Lupin is tall, dark and handsome. He is thirty-five year old pureblood who seems to be holding out for the perfect woman to come along. Quite the catch, he is the Head of the Department of Investigation at the Ministry and resides in Wellingtonshire. Despite being related by marriage to the poorly behaved Elsbeth Lupin (Mr. Echelon-Arnost’s sister), it appears that he has a good head on his shoulders and would need a sociable, fashionable wife. He was a Gryffindor and his wand core is peacock feather, which means that his ideal match is an elegant woman skilled in wandwork and conversation.  Mr. Enoch RosierMr. Rosier is one of the youngest on this list, being only twenty-eight years of age. However, it is a wonder that the incredibly handsome pureblood is still on the market! He strikes a tall and imposing figure - and he should as an auror! He was a Slytherin at Hogwarts and is an aries, which means he has confidence, courage and willfulness. He would be best suited for an equally attractive fire sign - either a leo or a sagittarius, as they tend to share the same vision of life. Pisces should not get their hopes up, as their sensitivity will be a burden to this strong minded aries.  Mr. Albert PettigrewThough he is a bit on the shorter end of the scale, Mr. Pettigrew is a well-off, reasonably attractive pureblood gentleman that hails from a sociable family. His eldest brother - Mr. Thom Pettigrew - is active in the professional quidditch community and is the sponsor of last year’s champions Puddlemere United. At twenty-nine years of age, he has several seasons available to him yet, but why wait if you can be his suitable match? A perfect wife would be petite so as not to dwarf him, sensitive to his needs and not fearful of butterflies - as Mr. Pettigrew’s animagus form is one! Something of note - Mr. Pettigrew is only human and is not impervious to the wiles of veela. He was attacked by one in March of this year.  Mr. Richard GladstoneMr. Gladstone is a thirty year old halfblood that is the Magical Bugs Healer in Charge at St. Mungo’s Hospital, an impressive feat for a man of his age! Though not typically considered attractive with his reddish colored hair and numerous freckles, he was in the Hufflepuff house and is known for his friendliness and loyalty. If a woman is able to look past his appearance and truly get to know him, we believe a love match is possible here. He would make a kind husband and a responsible father. |
September 23, 2018 – 5:34 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Stars Reveal: A Glimpse Into The Marriage of Lucius & Belphoebe Lestrange This pureblood power-couple surprised many with their marriage, as it was Mr. Lestrange's second and the former Miss Trimble had long since been considered an old maid as far as romance was concerned. They have been somewhat reclusive since their nuptials, with much of their efforts apparently devoted to family life (as they recently welcomed their first son — Mr. Lestrange's third) and business at the Ministry, where Mrs. Lestrange is employed within the Department of Mysteries, and Mr. Lestrange was recently elevated to the position of Chief Warlock. What is their marriage really like? Where observation alone fails to answer, the stars may prove more enlightening! Both Mr. Lestrange (as a Libra) and Mrs. Lestrange (as a Gemini) are air signs, which means they likely communicate very well with one another; an auspicious start to a healthy marriage. There is some indication in the relationship between Venus and Mercury (their two ruling planets) that trust between the two is strong, which may lead to a greater degree of independence allowed for Mrs. Lestrange — which certainly seems evident in the fact that her husband has allowed her to continue having a career, even during and after her pregnancy. One thing the signs do indicate is that this is a couple who does best with some space in their relationship, as Mrs. Lestrange's Gemini desire to show her own knowledge and expertise may come across as a desire to prove herself intellectually superior to her husband, which would be bound to cause a good deal of friction. Mrs. Lestrange may also place more importance on intellectual pursuits than on responsibility or consistency of character, which are certain priorities for Mr. Lestrange (as his long career in the Wizengamot has been a testament to). All in all, things seem to have gone smoothly and quietly for the pair so far — but Mrs. Lestrange may find herself wearing thin on her husband's patience sooner or later, if she does not prove herself more flexible to his whims and desires. |
 Belphoebe Lestrange nee Trimble was never expected to marry, much less to such an auspicious family as the Lestranges. Lucius Lestrange is one of the most formiddable and respectable members of wizarding society. |
September 23, 2018 – 5:34 PM
The Original Fake News
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