Issue #200 - A Look Back at Witch Weekly History
October 7, 2018 – 3:04 PM
The Original Fake News
October 7, 2018 – 3:05 PM
The Original Fake News
| Jasper Collins was a Ravenclaw during his years at Hogwarts but little is known about his life after graduation. | The Secret Life of Jasper Collins We here at Witch Weekly caught the news that a new Ghouls Studies professor had been hired on. Of course, we did a little digging and were surprised to find at how little information can be found on the charming new professor. What is known is that he was a Ravenclaw that began his schooling in 1874. He is said to have been peculiarly close to the ghosts of the castle. One source even alleges that he might have been the lover of one! The bit about his adult life that is known is that he specialized in removing poltergeists and the like from wizarding homes.  Jasper Collins is the dashing new Ghouls Studies professor but could he somehow secretly be a ghost himself?
The mystery of Jasper Collin's life begins when he departed from America. That is the last that most of our sources ever heard or saw from him. He seemed to have disappeared entirely and this reporter feels that they have figured out what happened. Mister Collins always had a peculiar interest in Ghoul Studies so it stands to reason that he would have readily accepted to be part of experiments in regards to them. Mister Collins more than likely has been spending the past couple of years in wizarding laboratories, trying to uncover the secret of all manner of ghosts. The nature and extent of these experiments are not known but it is believed that Mister Collins somehow became a ghost himself! His abrupt return to Europe could be the result of his ghostly existence in that he didn't just travel home - he just appeared home as ghosts are wont to do! Whether he died or simply figured out how to turn his mortal form into a ghost whenever he pleases or the other way around is not currently known but it is certainly a mystery that will surely unravel the longer Mister Collins continues to stay among us. Witch Weekly readers might recall our Quiz in Issue #106 that might help them make up their own minds when it comes to Mister Collins or anyone else they might suspect of not being fully among the living. |
October 7, 2018 – 3:05 PM
The Original Fake News
| What Type Of Ghost Would You Be? | |
| While none of us are looking forward to our dying day, death is unmistakably a part of our world. If you were to die tomorrow and come back as a ghost, what type of ghost would you be? What do you do on your weekends? A) Something novel and adventurous, like going to a new city or trying a new thing. B) I have a hobby that takes up most of my time. C) Just relax; I've earned it after such a busy week. D) Attend church or participate in charitable events. If you had 100 galleons to donate to charity, which would you choose? A) The Quidditch Player Emergency Relief Fund, or maybe something involving dragon preservation. B) I'd create my own charity, because there's a very specific need in the community which hasn't been addressed yet. C) I'd divide it up between all the usual causes. D) My church's fund for widows & orphans Who is your favorite historical witch or wizard? A) Morgan le Fay B) You probably haven't heard of him, he's fairly obscure. C) Merlin D) Jesus If you were to have a career, what would be your ideal choice? A) An author, illustrator, or something that involves putting my creativity to good use. B) An academic or researcher of some sort. C) A professional party planner, or something that involves people skills. D) Something where I could feel I'm having a positive effect on the world (without overstepping the bounds of propriety) - maybe a healer or a charity organizer. |
What is your home life like? A) My whole family is a bit strange, but we love each other immensely regardless. B) I'm considered a bit of an oddity by most of my family, but they do give me freedom to do my own thing most of the time. C) Fairly normal, I think? D) Perfectly respectable. What would be the best part of being a ghost? A) Being able to go places normal humans can't. B) Never needing to stop to sleep or eat. C) Never running out of time. D) I can't imagine any benefit that would outweigh the negatives. Mostly As: You would be a mischevious ghost. You might haunt a Muggle area, giving rise to legendary ghost stories as they all try to guess your sad tale, or perhaps you'd try to team up with a poltergeist to cause mayhem in the magical world. Even without the ability to move things around, you might do a fair bit of harm just by telling secrets, if you're the gossipy sort. Mostly Bs: Your devotion to a particular thing in life will likely carry over to death, which will lead you to be something of an eccentricity to those who encounter you. You might spend all day in a blind rage, or wander the halls weeping over your lost love; in any case, you certainly won't be much fun to have around. Mostly Cs: You would take a page from the book of Mr. Herbert Fudge and just go right on living your life while you had the ability to do so. Unfortunately, very few of your friends and relations will join you in the ethereal, which means sooner or later, you'll have to make your own way in the world. In any case, you're bound to be personable and helpful. Mostly Ds: You wouldn't become a ghost in the first place, as you don't have the right disposition for it, so you'd best make the most of life while you're living it. |
October 7, 2018 – 3:06 PM
The Original Fake News
| A Look Back At Witch Weekly History | |
| Ever since the first issue of the magazine, Witch Weekly has featured everything from career-ending political scandals to speculated affairs. This week, Witch Weekly is celebrating its 200th issue with a review of its top five most successful features, voted on by our valued subscribers. #5: A Womanizer for Minister While politics are a man’s game, one could argue the fate of a particular ministerial candidate was decided by the women of Wizarding Britain during the election of 1887. Witch Weekly reported on Mr. Herschel Dawlish, the then-Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, who at the time was facing multiple accusations of the ninety-seven-year-old wizard making unsubtle attempts to flirt with a number of women despite their obvious discomfort. Mr. Dawlish still secured a number of votes in the election, though was ultimately defeated by ten left-leaning candidate, Mr. Justin Ross. Judging by the recent appointment of Mrs. Morwenna Skeeter to the Wizengamot, it’s obvious that the Minister — who is approaching the end of his first year in office — is making strides to see more women in powerful positions. Of course, avid readers will remember the rumors that spread throughout the gossip mills in the wake of the Chief Warlock’s death. Minister Ross was believed by some to be somehow involved in the Minister’s death, though all accusations — if there were any at all — were uncorroborated. #4: 4 Scandals Our Seers Have Predicted For This Season This bestselling issue of Witch Weekly covered everything from predictions that the Van Helsing family could murder an innocent pale woman to exploding dresses created by the House of Lytton! While none of the seer’s predictions came true in a literal sense, one could argue that the “Ministry Falls Prey To Veela” could be taken metaphorically — especially considering the recent amortentia-induced marriages of head aurro Edric Umbridge to February Lynch and Barnabas Skeeter to auror Maeve Connolly. It should also be noted that, in the same issue, Witch Weekly suggested that Mr. Skeeter and Miss Connolly would make a truly impressive match. We ask you reader's: is it a coincidence? Or was the mysterious matchmaker inspired by the article? |
#3: The Most Impressive Curls! Another favorite with our audience, this issue covered society’s most coveted curls. Among those mentioned were the devilishly handsome Benedict Sterling and the King of Curls himself, Orpheus Parkinson. We also learned that among all the quidditch teams, the Hogsmeade Howlers is best at selecting players with impressive curls: Tybalt Kirke’s curls compliment his charming personality, while Desdemona Pettigrew’s curls make her looks slightly less plain. #2: One Year Later... Where Are The Little Pettigrews? Speaking of Desdemona Pettigrew, this popular issue of Witch Weekly discussed the reasons why Arthur Pettigrew and whis wife (who, at the time, were both chasers on the Hogsmeade Howlers) had not yet produced a child. Nearly a month plater, speculation arose about potential complications of women playing quidditch — specifically, the complications of childbearing. Almost exactly a year after the article was published, it was announced that Mrs. Pettigrew would be leaving quidditch due to being with child. While it’s now apparent that Mrs. Pettigrew’s inners were not too jostled by mounting a broom every day of the week, many still have their concerns about the long lasting effects of women in quidditch. #1: Minister Abandoned At Alter: Lovegood Opts To Die Alone And Unloved Perhaps not only one of Witch Weekly's bestselling articles, but also one of the most talked about scandals in recent times was the humiliation Miss Adelia Lovegood faced after she jilted the then-Minister at the alter. While the act would save her further pain and humiliation down the room, it also solidified her as Hogsmeade's sorriest spinster. With a history of romantic blunders, it's unlikely that Miss Lovegood will ever find herself in the arms of a self-respecting beau. Her impulsiveness and indecisiveness should serve as a warning to young ladies from all backgrounds: love may be every girl's dream, but being perpetually lonely — not for your age but rather a poor reputation — is every girl's nightmare. |
October 7, 2018 – 3:07 PM
The Original Fake News
| We prowl the streets in search of the juiciest gossip so you don't have to! | Heard Around Town! Miss Lovegood was seen more or less throwing herself at the former Minister in Diagon Alley last week. It was at the same time as those pink envelopes went out, but I heard she didn't even have one — she's just so desperate at this point she'd seize any excuse. Poor Mr. Urquart, having to fend off such awkward advances! My housekeeper heard that the Lupins might be advertising for a new nanny again soon. That child must be an absolute terror, to have gone through so many! Ari Fisk was spotted walking a mediwitch, Dionisia Tweedy, to his family's home after leaving the hospital recently. She's a girl of utterly no background to speak of — the Minister's brother-in-law would be quite the catch for someone like her! Mrs. Desdemona Pettigrew has hardly been seen out of the house since she left Quidditch. Do you think the pregnancy has her on bed rest so soon? She does have her Quidditch history to contend with, and everyone knows that creates such difficulties for a new baby... Mr. Lexington Lupin and Miss van Helsing were arguing in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement last week. Do they have a difference of opinion on a career matter, or is there some tension from another cause between them? |
October 7, 2018 – 3:07 PM
The Original Fake News
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