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Witch Weekly · October 12, 2020 – 4:14 AM

8 Tips For Conceiving Healthy Children
Warning: this article deals with subject matter of a mature nature, and unmarried women may find the following information distressing. Spinsters and young ladies: skip to page 4. Witch Weekly takes no legal responsibility for any children conceived out of wedlock on this advice.

1. Take a potion for it. For fertility problems or impotency, “Lucina Cordial” or “Verrey’s Tincture” are excellent options, French physiologist Becklard tells us in his work ‘Physiological mysteries and revelations in love, courtship and marriage: an infallible guide-book for married and single persons, in matters of the utmost importance to the human race.’ (Warning: some potions and concoctions may contain goose semen.)

2. Climate matters. A wind blowing from the north will make for a stronger child than one blowing from the east, and a colder climate is said to be more conducive to conjugal achievement. Did you know that sea air also greatly assists fecundation?

3. Hoping for a boy? Eat more bananas... A diet rich in potassium and sodium may be just the thing! A healthy mother also makes for a healthy child, and you must satisfy all cravings during pregnancy or your child might be born crying for the gin you did not give it!

4. ...or try a new position. If your usual methods have granted you multiple daughters, try something a little more animal, or even standing or straddling, for the better travelling of your husband’s seed. The more vigorous the activity, the more robust the child; Becklard confirmed this in 1845 — and passion has its part to play, for that is why two-thirds of illegitimate children born are boys.

5. But avoid stairs. As a rule, any child begat on a set of stairs is most likely to be born with a crooked back and given to the fault of staring.

6. Once the act is complete, do not speak. At the dénouement, a woman must avoid speaking, coughing or giving the slightest sneeze, as any of these might impede the chances of conception. For the best chance, just remain there for some time in a state of repose and inactivity, and instead channel your energies into visualising becoming pregnant. You might just mesmerise yourself into it.

7. Make your husband go trouserless. Wearing too many constricting layers may weaken his capabilities in bed and increase a man’s chances of infertility. Perhaps trousers - the so-called “Southern Necessities” in polite euphemism - are not such a necessity after all! (On the other hand, these freedoms of dress should not encourage a man to give in to the perils of onanism, which will irrevocably damage both his fertility and moral rectitude.)

8. Do not indulge further during your pregnancy. Sexual indulgence, says Mr. Kellogg, ought to be suspended during pregnancy for decided benefit to both mother and child. The injurious influences upon the child of the gratification of the passions during the period when its character is being formed, is undoubtedly much greater than is usually supposed. We have no doubt that this is a common cause of the transmission of libidinous tendencies to the child. One does not want to impart lecherous tendencies onto one’s child before they have even been born!

Your child’s character may depend on which way the wind blows!

Men’s fashion: an impediment to procreation?

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