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Witch Weekly · September 28, 2020 – 10:58 PM

And The Next Ban Is...

In light of the summer’s tragedy and the resulting ban on beaters and bludgers taking effect at Hogwarts this year, we have polled our readers to find out what could be the next ban to be faced by the school or our whole society. Here are some of your suggestions, featuring some the most controversial yet most brave!

Quidditch. “Why curb the measures there? Certainly the beater ban should take effect across the professional league too, as that was where the problem originated! And no doubt the backlash there will render quidditch fans and players alike more violent than before, so if we are to be sensible, we should outlaw the sport immediately.” But what should we obsess over as a society without quidditch? Badminton?

Apparition. “The beater ban is frankly ridiculous. There have been far fewer lasting accidents in the centuries of the sport than there have been by people being encouraged to apparate everywhere. Young people are taught to apparate too young, and are too irresponsible to do it properly.” This reader has a point: splinching can even damage the most sensible among us. Mr. Aldous Crouch and his tragic limp are a living reminder of this. Take the Knight Bus, and save a bachelor.

Croquet. “Next thing you know people will be enchanting croquet balls to do as much damage as bludgers, you know! Have you never seen the damage a mallet can do?” We at Witch Weekly like to think that most in society have more decorum at a garden party than that, thank you.

Novels. “Forget sports. The real problems in society are all down to young ladies being encouraged to read novels. Bad enough that they teach them to read at all, but romance novels fill a girl’s head with airs and rags-to-riches fairytales encourage future maids and governesses to aspire beyond their station.” Dear reader, if you were not literate none of us would have the pleasure of publishing your opinions, so perhaps reconsider there. Nevertheless, Headmaster Black did place chastity cuffs in effect for some time; no doubt the Hogwarts Library could ban a few more books.

Ballroom dancing. “The worst danger to a debutante is a man who can’t dance, or an overzealous couple on the ballroom floor. Let’s be done with it and spare us all a little bruising.” We do agree that some dances can lead to the odd collision, and no one likes a pile-up in the middle of a party. But what else do you expect us to do with ourselves? Stand around and small-talk? Learn your lefts and rights, and let us have dancing in our lives.

Defence Against the Dark Arts. “Young impressionable students are being taught dangerous spells under the guise of self-protection! Why not rid the school of that class, and then no one will need to defend themselves, because no will grow up to be a dark wizard from learning about horrifying curses in their school days?” An interesting hypothesis. We am sure the delectable Professor d’Orsay is not indoctrinating his pupils with intricate knowledge of the Unforgivable Curses, but perhaps these classes could be a little less practical?

Marriage. “Abolish marriage. What good has it ever done for society? It is a lifetime prison sentence in different dress. We are not meant for monogamy.” Yes, dear. I’m sure this has nothing to do with your personal trials in life, but don’t take your misery out on the rest of us.

Hallowe’en. “I am horrified every year by the foolishness encouraged by Hallowe’en festivities. Tricks have the potential to spiral out of hand, people spend too much effort on trying to frighten people with ridiculous parties and gruesome costumes, and every year the hospital waiting room is full of the victims. As a healer, I should know.” We cannot agree that one should cancel their parties or Hallowe’en celebrations, but do remember not to let your Jack-O’Lanterns go on the rampage; and if you have dressed up as a vampire, let the consequences be on your own head.

Opera. “There is nothing more fatal than a Wagner opera. I should say more spectators have died of boredom trying to make it through the third evening of The Ring cycle than in the stands of a quidditch stadium.” Opera is a staple of our society, but perhaps fifteen hours of overwrought tragic drama is more than enough suffering for anyone. Indeed, it may have a profound effect on the nervous system - which makes one wonder if some wouldn’t prefer death by bludger after all?

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Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is...