Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Printable Version

+- Charming (https://charmingrp.com)
+-- Forum: IC - Extras (https://charmingrp.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=5)
+--- Forum: Heard Around Town (https://charmingrp.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=132)
+---- Forum: Witch Weekly (https://charmingrp.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=38)
+---- Thread: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... (/showthread.php?tid=6979)

---

Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

---

RE: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

Not born with natural beauty? No need to fret! Not all men expect to marry an English Rose, nor do they all want one!

Lack Natural Beauty? Here's Five Ways to Catch a Suitor's Eye Not every young woman is blessed with the features of an English Rose. Some are too tall, too thin; others are too broad and have a crooked nose. Some have eyes that are too large for their face, and others who have freckles covering every visible inch of skin! Fortunately for those ladies, beauty is not the only thing men value in a woman, nor is it the first thing some of them look for! Here are alternative five ways to catch a suitor's eyes: 1. Make friends with all the right people. Every young lady, debutante or not, should have a wide selection of friends and acquaintances to use to their advantage. Married women, unmarried women, and working women alike can provide opportunities for young, unmarried ladies to meet their future husband. Married women have the advantage of knowing which of their husband's friends are and are not married, and more often than not they appreciate the chance to play matchmaker. Other unmarried ladies, despite the inherent competition that comes with befriending them, may be able to extend invitations to parties and gatherings. (They also may have an unmarried brother or two!) Working women, while not always the most respectable friends to keep, may be wiling to make introductions with their male colleagues—though their acquaintanceships with those male colleagues should be well-investigated before forming any attachments! 2. Join an interest group or charitable organization. Charities and interest groups are not simply for socialites and older women. It is a way to form advantageous—and potentially romantic—connections while also bettering your community. If you cannot afford the membership fees that some of the organizations request, attend charity fundraisers or other events where you'll have the opportunity to meet like-minded people. It is the perfect time to show what a virtuous, caring wife you'll have the potential to be! 3. Show your intellect. Not every man enjoys a mindless wife. If you find yourself taken with a gentleman involved in academia or a specialized field that you also take interest in, do not be afraid to say so! Most men enjoy displaying their strengths, especially to women, and would not hesitate to show you their latest work. Be warned, though: even men who prefer intelligent women do not like to be told they're wrong by one, so do not correct him even if you suspect that he is wrong. Simply smile and offer a tasteful compliment, if the opportunity presents itself. 4. Feign illness or injury. Inside every man is the desire to be a hero. Men are protectors by nature, so swooning after a dance or conveniently forgetting your coat on a cold, windy day is sure to send the most gallant of gentlemen in your direction. Avoid nausea, stomachaches, fevers, or any other diseases that might give gentlemen a reason to avoid you. 5. Out-dress every other lady. You need not be rich to make a statement. Being a little more fashion-forward than usual will naturally draw the attention in a room full of conservatively-dressed women. Wear the statement hat. Try for more vivid colors or a loud pattern. Make sure your outfits suits your body type and complexion, however, or you may become the laughing stock of the crowd!

---

RE: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

The lady of the house is ultimately responsible for both the well-being and the behavior of her servants. Fresh bath water will do wonders for your complexion.

10 Tips For A Healthy Household Our experts give the latest health and wellness advice for your whole household! 1. Never Rise Before 9. A married woman should never wake early enough to breakfast with her husband. Women's more delicate constitutions require more rest than men, and the early morning light will damage their skin if they make a habit of opening their shudders too early. A healthy woman should never wake before 9, and absolutely must not be seen out of the house any earlier than noon. 2. Separate Your Servants. While some may not be able to afford it, anyone who has live-in servants should consider creating a separate sleeping and living area for male and female servants. Having the two sexes sleep in close quarters not only allows the potential for mischief in their off-hours, but can actually cause physical maladies; women have been known to sprout thin mustaches and hairy knuckles from the influence of men, while men become physically weaker and are less able to carry out manual tasks such as chopping fire wood. While it does take decades for such symptoms to set in, the lady of the house should take precautions to avoid these undesirable effects. 3. Nail a Horseshoe to Your Doorway. This Muggle old wives' tale is actually based on an old magical ritual for dispelling malicious curses which may enter the home and cause sneezing, drowsiness, and headaches. For best results, it should be placed at the door most commonly used as an entrance to the house, but can be concealed behind a panel or wallpaper in order to avoid spoiling your decor. 4. Limit Your Children's Cocaine. While cocaine has long been touted as a miracle cure for everything from toothaches to unpleasant manners, some suspect that giving too much cocaine to young children may lead to increased hyperactivity and potentially limit their growth. Use cocaine only sparingly until your child is at least fifteen years of age. 5. Don't Cook Your Own Food. While some of our readers would never dream of cooking their own meals, in many households this has become fairly standard at least for certain meals of the day. We advise readers to never cook their own food, under any circumstances, as an untrained cook may inadvertently poison the entire household. A decent cook for each meal, and a replacement for her day off, is worth the extra money. 6. Use Fresh Bath Water for Each Person. While this is typical for the head of the house and the lady of the house, everyone should endeavor to use fresh bath water each time they bathe — right down to the servants and the family pets, if you can. Fresh water not only cleans better but will also rejuvenate the muscles and spirits. The water need not be hot or even warm to accomplish this, which makes this task fairly reasonable for even the more modest houses. 7. Get a Purge Pill. These antimony pills will induce vomiting and diarrhea, which cleanses your body of unhealthy toxins, within an hour of being swallowed. Better still, once they've passed through they can be washed and reused as necessary as they don't dissolve in your digestive track! 8. Don't Read Too Many Novels. Trendy new novels with scandalous subject matter are not only potentially corrupting for women's morals, but can lead to the readers becoming flustered and developing unhealthy surpluses of certain humors and chemical buildups. This can affect a lady's ability to think clearly and impact her judgement for years to come! 9. Choose Strategic Times to Open Your Windows. Fresh air is vitally important for maintaining good health, but opening your windows in the middle of the day can lead to overheating, and keeping them open too late in the evening can induce potentially deadly chills. The best time to air the house is during a man's breakfast (before the lady of the house has risen for the day) or shortly before supper. 10. Indulge in Exercise. While many active pursuits can be seen as unladylike, a healthy level of exercise is key to maintaining one's health. Appropriate exercises include riding the pennyfarthing bicycle, taking vigorous walks, or bathing in lakes or oceans. Women should avoid any heavy lifting as their upper bodies are not suited to muscle development.

---

RE: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

And The Next Ban Is...

In light of the summer’s tragedy and the resulting ban on beaters and bludgers taking effect at Hogwarts this year, we have polled our readers to find out what could be the next ban to be faced by the school or our whole society. Here are some of your suggestions, featuring some the most controversial yet most brave! Quidditch. “Why curb the measures there? Certainly the beater ban should take effect across the professional league too, as that was where the problem originated! And no doubt the backlash there will render quidditch fans and players alike more violent than before, so if we are to be sensible, we should outlaw the sport immediately.” But what should we obsess over as a society without quidditch? Badminton? Apparition. “The beater ban is frankly ridiculous. There have been far fewer lasting accidents in the centuries of the sport than there have been by people being encouraged to apparate everywhere. Young people are taught to apparate too young, and are too irresponsible to do it properly.” This reader has a point: splinching can even damage the most sensible among us. Mr. Aldous Crouch and his tragic limp are a living reminder of this. Take the Knight Bus, and save a bachelor. Croquet. “Next thing you know people will be enchanting croquet balls to do as much damage as bludgers, you know! Have you never seen the damage a mallet can do?” We at Witch Weekly like to think that most in society have more decorum at a garden party than that, thank you. Novels. “Forget sports. The real problems in society are all down to young ladies being encouraged to read novels. Bad enough that they teach them to read at all, but romance novels fill a girl’s head with airs and rags-to-riches fairytales encourage future maids and governesses to aspire beyond their station.” Dear reader, if you were not literate none of us would have the pleasure of publishing your opinions, so perhaps reconsider there. Nevertheless, Headmaster Black did place chastity cuffs in effect for some time; no doubt the Hogwarts Library could ban a few more books.

Ballroom dancing. “The worst danger to a debutante is a man who can’t dance, or an overzealous couple on the ballroom floor. Let’s be done with it and spare us all a little bruising.” We do agree that some dances can lead to the odd collision, and no one likes a pile-up in the middle of a party. But what else do you expect us to do with ourselves? Stand around and small-talk? Learn your lefts and rights, and let us have dancing in our lives. Defence Against the Dark Arts. “Young impressionable students are being taught dangerous spells under the guise of self-protection! Why not rid the school of that class, and then no one will need to defend themselves, because no will grow up to be a dark wizard from learning about horrifying curses in their school days?” An interesting hypothesis. We am sure the delectable Professor d’Orsay is not indoctrinating his pupils with intricate knowledge of the Unforgivable Curses, but perhaps these classes could be a little less practical? Marriage. “Abolish marriage. What good has it ever done for society? It is a lifetime prison sentence in different dress. We are not meant for monogamy.” Yes, dear. I’m sure this has nothing to do with your personal trials in life, but don’t take your misery out on the rest of us. Hallowe’en. “I am horrified every year by the foolishness encouraged by Hallowe’en festivities. Tricks have the potential to spiral out of hand, people spend too much effort on trying to frighten people with ridiculous parties and gruesome costumes, and every year the hospital waiting room is full of the victims. As a healer, I should know.” We cannot agree that one should cancel their parties or Hallowe’en celebrations, but do remember not to let your Jack-O’Lanterns go on the rampage; and if you have dressed up as a vampire, let the consequences be on your own head. Opera. “There is nothing more fatal than a Wagner opera. I should say more spectators have died of boredom trying to make it through the third evening of The Ring cycle than in the stands of a quidditch stadium.” Opera is a staple of our society, but perhaps fifteen hours of overwrought tragic drama is more than enough suffering for anyone. Indeed, it may have a profound effect on the nervous system - which makes one wonder if some wouldn’t prefer death by bludger after all?

---

RE: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

Remember, the one that got away is not guaranteed to want you back! If a Missed Connection didn't work for you, perhaps a Lonely Hearts ad will.

Letters From Our Readers Dear Witch Weekly, I am now firmly of the belief that Witch Weekly has designed Missed Connections to humiliate its reader base. I was not the one that wrote in the advertisement but I went down to the dock in the hopes of taking advantage and stealing away the kneecapping beater. But he never came! I was there every day, as was another woman. Likely the one that wrote the ad. People came to witness her humiliation - but I think some thought the ad writer was me and thus I was humiliated as well! I am beyond irate and have cancelled my subscription. Regards, Kneedy Hearted Dear Witch Weekly When I saw the Missed Connections advertisement mentioning the Platform 9 3/4, I thought it was destined for me. Instead, I was left waiting for hours for no one to show up. I did see another couple meet there at the appointed time so perhaps it was not my old flame that posted the ad. It does not change the fact that it is Witch Weeklys fault that my mother now believes me to be a harlot. I would suggest people put a little bit more of a hint in their advertisements. It would save a bit of heartbreak from happening. Sincerely, Disgruntled

---

RE: Issue #243 - And The Next Ban Is... - Witch Weekly - September 28, 2020

---