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Witch Weekly · September 28, 2020 – 10:58 PM

The lady of the house is ultimately responsible for both the well-being and the behavior of her servants.

Fresh bath water will do wonders for your complexion.

10 Tips For A Healthy Household
Our experts give the latest health and wellness advice for your whole household!

1. Never Rise Before 9. A married woman should never wake early enough to breakfast with her husband. Women's more delicate constitutions require more rest than men, and the early morning light will damage their skin if they make a habit of opening their shudders too early. A healthy woman should never wake before 9, and absolutely must not be seen out of the house any earlier than noon.

2. Separate Your Servants. While some may not be able to afford it, anyone who has live-in servants should consider creating a separate sleeping and living area for male and female servants. Having the two sexes sleep in close quarters not only allows the potential for mischief in their off-hours, but can actually cause physical maladies; women have been known to sprout thin mustaches and hairy knuckles from the influence of men, while men become physically weaker and are less able to carry out manual tasks such as chopping fire wood. While it does take decades for such symptoms to set in, the lady of the house should take precautions to avoid these undesirable effects.

3. Nail a Horseshoe to Your Doorway. This Muggle old wives' tale is actually based on an old magical ritual for dispelling malicious curses which may enter the home and cause sneezing, drowsiness, and headaches. For best results, it should be placed at the door most commonly used as an entrance to the house, but can be concealed behind a panel or wallpaper in order to avoid spoiling your decor.

4. Limit Your Children's Cocaine. While cocaine has long been touted as a miracle cure for everything from toothaches to unpleasant manners, some suspect that giving too much cocaine to young children may lead to increased hyperactivity and potentially limit their growth. Use cocaine only sparingly until your child is at least fifteen years of age.

5. Don't Cook Your Own Food. While some of our readers would never dream of cooking their own meals, in many households this has become fairly standard at least for certain meals of the day. We advise readers to never cook their own food, under any circumstances, as an untrained cook may inadvertently poison the entire household. A decent cook for each meal, and a replacement for her day off, is worth the extra money.

6. Use Fresh Bath Water for Each Person. While this is typical for the head of the house and the lady of the house, everyone should endeavor to use fresh bath water each time they bathe — right down to the servants and the family pets, if you can. Fresh water not only cleans better but will also rejuvenate the muscles and spirits. The water need not be hot or even warm to accomplish this, which makes this task fairly reasonable for even the more modest houses.

7. Get a Purge Pill. These antimony pills will induce vomiting and diarrhea, which cleanses your body of unhealthy toxins, within an hour of being swallowed. Better still, once they've passed through they can be washed and reused as necessary as they don't dissolve in your digestive track!

8. Don't Read Too Many Novels. Trendy new novels with scandalous subject matter are not only potentially corrupting for women's morals, but can lead to the readers becoming flustered and developing unhealthy surpluses of certain humors and chemical buildups. This can affect a lady's ability to think clearly and impact her judgement for years to come!

9. Choose Strategic Times to Open Your Windows. Fresh air is vitally important for maintaining good health, but opening your windows in the middle of the day can lead to overheating, and keeping them open too late in the evening can induce potentially deadly chills. The best time to air the house is during a man's breakfast (before the lady of the house has risen for the day) or shortly before supper.

10. Indulge in Exercise. While many active pursuits can be seen as unladylike, a healthy level of exercise is key to maintaining one's health. Appropriate exercises include riding the pennyfarthing bicycle, taking vigorous walks, or bathing in lakes or oceans. Women should avoid any heavy lifting as their upper bodies are not suited to muscle development.

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