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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:07 PM

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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:08 PM

Turn A Man Down (Politely): A Guide To Rejecting Gentlemen
Every lady dreams of the perfect proposal, but even courtship can be a minefield to navigate — one false move could bring it all down. Nor can one pretend that all attentions and affections of a suitor are... desirable, but what is a lady to do about this without sidestepping every law in the field of womanly etiquette? Find below a series of possible responses, all surefire measures to dissuade a man without serving the slightest blemish to one’s own reputation. It is always safer to reject a man in written correspondence, but this guide will help in person too, if one is only sufficiently rehearsed!

Never encourage him.
“You see I venture to call you by your given name. If in thus expressing myself toward you I take undue liberty, I beg you to reprove me, and I shall humbly return to the more formal address. I think of you so often that I seem to have known you a very long time.” -- A man endeavouring to call you by your Christian name
Slow down, Jack = “Perhaps when we know each other a little better you might ask me again.”
No thank you = “I would kindly prefer that you continued to address me simply as Miss Whyte.”
A fatal mistake, since I despise you = “I like to be Eleanor to the good friends who help to make this world for me such a delightful place to live in, and you are not one of them, sir.”

Don’t hand out chances.
“If I have offended you in any way, it has been unknowingly, and it would be a privilege to be allowed to explain myself, or apologize if needed.”-- A lazy cad trying to smooth over a misunderstanding
I’m listening = “I want to do my part in coming to a satisfactory understanding.”
I want to look him in the eye when I break things off = “I will be much pleased to drive with you, as suggested, Saturday afternoon, when any further explanations that may be necessary can be exchanged.”
Shut your mouth, Frank = “I think a further exchange of explanations will not be profitable.”

Blame someone else.
“...would you be content to wait until such time as my income would justify me in marrying?” -- A man of small or no means making a proposal
You’re sweet, but no = “In truth, I am afraid that your feelings will undergo a change towards me, or that mine will alter towards you.”
Stop right there = “My mother, I am sorry to say, entertains a prejudice against long engagements.”
Fat chance, John = “My father will not for a moment hear of our engagement, and you would not wish me to disobey him? All this sounds cold and hard; but, coming from him, it must be said. ”

Third person is the coldest burn.
“May I not devote my life to making you happy and myself more worthy of you? If you are not sure of yourself, only give me a chance and I will make you love me. -- A gentleman friend getting mixed-up by your signals
Dear Merlin, the poor pathetic man = “I have no doubt that you would make any girl very happy whom you loved, but, although I have a great liking and esteem for you, I cannot say that I return your affection as you deserve.”
Ask someone else, you nitwit = “My sister thinks otherwise, and wished me to return a very different answer; but you are too good and kind for any one to marry you save from motives of affection.”
...I still like you as a friend = “I am quite sure that our friendship, so pleasantly begun, can never ripen into any deeper relation.”
Use your brain, Ned = “While thanking you for the honor you have paid me, I am so clear that my view of the matter is right, that I believe a fuller consideration on your part will convince you also of the same.”
Hammer it home = “Kindly accept this answer as final, and do not press me for a reason.”
Cut him off for good = “Miss Ethel Dunlap was naturally very much surprised at the contents of Mr. Langdon's letter. She hastens to inform him that it is out of the question she should entertain his proposals.”

Lost for words? No longer!

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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:08 PM

The cheat sheet to finding out your future martial status is finally here!

Quiz: Are You Destined for Spinsterhood?
Question 1: Do you want to get married?
... If YES, move to question 2.
... If NO, then move to question 3.

Question 2: Do you possess a friendly demeanor and feminine disposition?
... If YES, move to question 4.
... If NO, then move to question 3.

Question 3: Would your parents seek to secure you a match if you were to fail?
... If YES, then move to question 6.
... If NO, then move to question 4.

Question 4: Are you acquainted with any eligible gentleman?
... If YES, then move to question 7.
... If NO, then move to question 5.

Question 5: Is there a chance to become acquainted with an eligible gentleman?
... If YES, then no, you are not destined for spinsterhood.
... If NO, then yes, you are destined for spinsterhood.

Question 6: Do you respect your parents' wishes?
... If YES, then no, you are not destined for spinsterhood.
... If NO, then yes, you are destined for spinsterhood.

Question 7: Do you fancy him (Alternatively, does he fancy you?)
... If YES, then move to question 8.
... If NO, then move to question 5.

Question 8: Would you accept him if he were to propose?
... If YES, then no, you are not destined for spinsterhood.
... If NO, then move to question 5.

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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:08 PM

Top Four Eligible Widowers
Not every young lady has the best of luck in their first season. Some are awkward, while others may come off as a little too eager. After learning from past seasons mistakes, one must look for the best suitable match. For those on their second - or even third! - season, perhaps a widower is for you! Here are the top four eligible widowers for those who have had a hard run of luck thus far on the husband hunt.

1. Faustus Prewett
Widowed young, Mr Prewett is said to be a loving father to his three children. Having even stepping down from the position of Head Auror for the sake of spending more time with them and settling into a lower risk career. It speaks to a level of maturity to know when to step down from such a position, as well as knowing when one is needed to step back in. Which is what he chose to do as of last year when Mr. Umbridge realized that he was unfit for the role of Head Auror.

2. Charles Macmillan
Having a high ranking position in the Ministry, Mr Macmillan can be viewed as a high quality match in terms of image. A downfall, however, is that he may remain in constant spotlight in his personal life. For those ladies that tend to be more shy, proceed with caution. Another reason to be hesitant towards a match is that he doesn't seem very social. You might find yourself with more quiet nights rather than social gatherings.

3. Murdock Greyback
Mr Greyback comes from a more peculiar family. But it seems that the Greyback family tend to host more parties than attend. For those who enjoy planning a nice ball or two, perhaps this is a man to seek out! Another high ranking member of the Minstry of Magic, this in and of itself is an ideal quality in a husband.

4. Balthazar Urquart
A controversial figure to say the least, the former Minister of Magic is the father of a known werewolf. One would certainly have to keep an open mind before even considering him as a match. If one can look past this, Mr Urquart does have a rather marvelous career record, and appears to be a loving and dedicated father to his children. Though, one must wonder why Miss Lovegood left him at the altar!

Mr Faustus Prewett, Head Auror.

Mr Balthazar Urquart, father of a known werewolf.

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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:08 PM

Letter From Our Readers!

To the Editor of Witch Weekly,

I am writing in regards to the last edition of Witch Weekly whereby one of your articles featured ten facts about a certain member of society. I don't doubt Mr. St. John-Black has already contacted you himself with the necessary correction but I thought it couldn't hurt to do so myself nonetheless. The eighth 'fact' I'm afraid is not fact but fiction. Mr. St. John-Black is not any relation to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, he is unknown to the family. No members of the Black family have ever relocated to America nor is there any mention of him or his family on the extensive family tree, so it is quite impossible that he in a member of the House of Black distant or otherwise.

If you could endeavor to publish a correction - be it my letter or that of the individual in question - in your next publication it would be greatly appreciated. I'm sure it will be a comfort not only to the Black family but Mr. St. John himself to have the truth published and the matter settled properly.

With regards,
Mrs. Ursula Black

***

Miss Elladora Black declined to comment formally upon her alleged family member, instead passing a message to me via her personal maid that to the best of her knowledge all her family members were accounted for and it was nonsense to suggest otherwise.

***

Dearest Witch Weekly,

I am have great difficulty finding a husband but I'm rather hesitant to attempt flashing an ankle at a gentleman. However, since reading your article I have become incredibly aware of the fact that I may be in a minority. Suddenly I am witnessing ladies' ankles all over the place - I saw two separate ankles belonging to two separate ladies at a ball just last night! I've also seen ankles in such places as Padmore Park one afternoon, and even once at a tea party - where there weren't even any gentlemen present! What can be the meaning of it? I'm not sure what is more concerning - ladies ankles slipping out from under their petticoats, or that I cannot stop staring when they do? I hope I stop noticing these indecencies but it would be a great deal easier to pretend ladies ankles don't exist when ladies aren't parading them before society.

Sincerely,
A distressed debutante

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Witch Weekly · May 24, 2020 – 4:09 PM

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Welcome to Charming

Issue #234 - Top Four Eligible Widowers