It doesn't sound like it's not about Zelda. Yeah, well, Julian had him there. Alfred needed to be more careful of what he said, if he wanted to avoid just having the whole sorry story getting back to Zelda through her brother, of all people. For a moment he was overwhelmed by the conviction that he needed to tell her, even if nothing had happened, because something could have happened and he could not imagine how much it would hurt her to hear it from anyone other than him. But no one else was going to tell her, because no one else knew — at least, not yet, not unless he kept saying too much to her brother. And nothing had actually happened, so there was nothing to tell. So maybe she wouldn't ever know.

If they hadn't been courting, he would have told her, he thought. But there were other barriers to it, now, because he couldn't just talk to her anymore. How was he supposed to bring this up? He couldn't put it in a letter; he knew how well apologies went through post, from recent experience. He couldn't bring it up at some social event when one of her siblings was sitting at her elbow, listening to every word they exchanged. Really, if he was going to tell her at all he would have to find a time when they were alone to do it — but it was too risky to show up in her garden at midnight again, particularly when he was trying to build up to being able to ask her father for permission to marry her.

"Maybe not," he said, and forced himself to shut up. Julian might have even been right; maybe even if Zelda knew all about it she still wouldn't want him to be miserable. She was better than he deserved.

Half a dozen things to say occurred to him, as he examined the foam lacing on the side of his pint glass. I messed up was the simplest, but would beg more questions that Alfred wouldn't have many good (read: suitably vague) answers to. I lost a friend, was accurate, but it made it sound as though someone had died, and it didn't explain his earlier comment about how Zelda might feel. With an imprecise assertion of loss and the aura of guilt he was sure he was exuding, he might accidentally lead Julian to the conclusion that he'd killed someone, which would not exactly be the most productive outcome for the evening. What he really wanted to say was I had a decision, and the only thing that came to mind was the worst possible choice to make. That was what was making him miserable, on two levels; it was a betrayal for Zelda, of course, but it was also a sign that he'd let Jo down, because if he had just been thinking more clearly, if he had been able to see past that, he was sure there was something else he could have done, and then she wouldn't have been gone now.

None of these things were things he wanted to say to Julian Fisk, though, and none of them were things he wanted to make their way back to Zelda, if anything might. He took another drink and bit his tongue.

The following 2 users Like J. Alfred Darrow's post:2 users Like J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Cassius Lestrange, Jupiter Smith

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

He wanted to press further, but he brought his glass to his lips and drank, hoping it would stifle his impulses. It was probably for the best that he wrote adventures instead of mysteries, because at least he was able to think towards the future, as if this conversation would prove essential in the long-term even if he didn't find out the answer, instead of interrogating him on the spot. If he thought his sister was completely innocent and naïve he might have right there and then, but he was sure—no, he was certain that Zelda was clever enough to figure out what she needed to.

"But it's not about Zelda..." he said, after another one, two, three sips. His pint was nearly half-gone now, which was unusual; usually it took him thirty, maybe forty-five minutes to drink as much while in the midst of writing. He took another, just for good measure. He decided he wouldn't ask any more after this, but if Darrow was telling the truth—and he hoped he was, truly—then this was the perfect opportunity to prove it. "I'm sure it'll help to get it off your chest. Might not be able to solve your problem, but I don't mind nodding every few seconds while you let it all out.

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— gorgeous set by MJ<3 —

He was right, was the thing. He wished he had someone to talk to about this, and he knew talking about it would help, but he didn't want to talk about it with Julian Fisk. Maybe Julian didn't hate him, but if he knew what Alfred was dealing with he might change his mind about that. And it wasn't as though he could give him advice, or anything, even if he didn't leap to any judgemental conclusions — if Alfred had decided an hour ago that Pablo didn't have enough context to answer his questions, Julian was hardly going to be a better choice. And he couldn't give him any of the context, not without saying too much. How could he make anyone (much less Zelda's brother) understand how much he cared about Jo without making it sound like he was just gearing up to be unfaithful to Zelda?

(Maybe he was just gearing up to be unfaithful to Zelda, and he'd been too daft to realize it until yesterday).

"Do you think it's possible for men and women to be friends?" he heard himself asking, and holy shit, that was far too much to say out loud to Zelda's goddamn brother. He might have well just come right out and say yeah, all those assumptions your father made about sailors were spot on, and I'm the manifestation of all the worst things that could happen to your sister, I'm literally incapable of treating her the way she deserves, (and okay, maybe it wasn't exactly saying all of that, but it was certainly not implying anything good, when combined with his earlier I've-said-too-much comments).

"Don't answer that," he said quickly, pressing the palm of one hand to his forehead and pressing his eyes closed as though his own stupidity had just given him a headache. "Don't — forget I said that. Just smile and nod and don't say anything. Please."

The following 1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post:1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Jupiter Smith

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

In the context of their conversation, Darrow's question struck him as... well, bizarre, and the way he backtracked immediately after cemented the oddity of it. If anyone else in any other situation had asked the same question, Julian would have answered honestly and without reading into it any further. However, the abject look of regret on Darrow's face gave him pause. He couldn't not read into it.

The first explanation, of course, was that he'd decided he didn't love Zelda and just wanted to remain friends. It was the easiest assumption to make, given the cryptic comments about Zelda hating him and whatnot. But then again, Darrow had claimed it wasn't about Zelda, and he doubted Darrow would willingly admit something like that to him even if it was in the form of a philosophical, open-ended question. He leaned back in his seat and stared at Darrow, who looked like he'd rather be absorbed into the booth than face him.

He tried to come up with a second, realistic explanation, and the only one nagging at his mind was that Darrow had a woman friend, and... what? Had she made a move on him? Or did she have a man in her life that was accusing Darrow of being too close with her? Julian read enough romance novels to know that most people assumed the answer to Darrow's question was no, and Julian was tempted to give him just that in case Darrow's situation ended up coming back to hurt Zelda.

Julian was becoming increasingly aware of the silence that hung between them, and finally he decided to go with the flow and see what else he could deduce from the conversation.

"I think it's possible," he said honestly, because although most assumed not, Julian had met a number of women throughout his life that he'd describe as his "friends". Some were coworkers, old schoolmates, and people in the publishing industry who he'd never considered pursuing but whose company he enjoyed. (Of course, there were always those few who he had thought about pursuing, and he knew that, but he just - never did.) "But it's harder than friendships between people of the same sex. There's more issues to contend with: judgment from outsiders, the bounds of propriety, and, of course, possible attraction." He chose his words carefully, hoping to cover whatever scenario Darrow was currently working through.

He leaned forward again, one elbow propped up on the table and his cheek in his palm. "I assume we aren't talking in hypothetics." His voice was low and without judgment, not because he wasn't judging Darrow, but because he didn't want him to brush him off.

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— gorgeous set by MJ<3 —

He hadn't really been expecting that Julian would cut him enough slack to not respond to that, but Alfred cringed when he did all the same, as if he expected the words to sting. And the list of reasons he rattled off did sting. It wasn't as though any of those things were news to him, or things he'd never considered before, but he had expected that he had the first two well in hand. He didn't care about propriety, and neither did Jo, and the only outsider's opinion he cared about was Zelda's. If she was willing to trust him, then that was all that mattered (although he certainly wouldn't have gone flaunting his friendship with a woman to any of the Fisks before he'd managed to secure her hand, just in case they had strong feelings on the matter). The last point, though, was a death blow. He'd never thought it would be a problem, because while he knew Jo was attractive in the abstract, he had never thought he was attracted to her. Until yesterday, when that impulse had come up out of nowhere.

That was going to be the death of their friendship, and not anything Jo had said or done during the fight yesterday. She could have fled the country while cursing his name and he might still have harbored hope that things would all be patched up sooner or later, but if something like that was going to happen again — even if there was just the slightest, smallest chance that it might — then he couldn't trust himself around her again. He had come too close to ruining things already, and he wouldn't dare risk everything he had with Zelda again. No matter how much he missed Jo.

"It might as well be hypothetical, now," he said rather miserably. Half of this was how he actually felt, but at least part of it was trying to talk his way out of the hole he'd dug himself into — he didn't want Julian to think anything had happened that Zelda needed to hear about. "We're not friends anymore. She's gone."

The following 1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post:1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Alice Dawson

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

It was probably against his better judgment, but he almost felt sorry for Darrow. (Was that wrong? To feel sorry that the man his sister loved had lost a female friend who could have made Zelda jealous? He didn't know, but there was no mistaking the tiny aching in his chest.) He frowned and nodded, wishing he could he say Well, I hope she comes back one day, but he knew he didn't, and he couldn't say I understand, I've been in your situation, because he hadn't. Actually, the idea of a messy friendship was a woman sounded terrifying.

"I'm sorry it's affecting you like this," he said, because it was the only thing he could come up with that wasn't falsely optimistic or a lie. He was sorry—sorry that some woman who wasn't Zelda had meant enough to him to make him feel like this, but also because Darrow's sadness was likely to linger long enough for Zelda to become aware of it. "I'm no authority on emotions, but time really does make things better. It sounds cliché, but it's true."

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— gorgeous set by MJ<3 —

Time heals all wounds; well, what else had Alfred expected, asking an author for advice?

As poetic as it sounded, he had his doubts. Alfred was the man who had spent five years in the wilderness pining for a girl that, it turned out, he hadn't even really known all that well. It had taken returning to England and meeting her again for him to realize how different they'd both become from the children they had been when he'd made naive promises to marry her. And Jo was different. The ache in his chest that he felt when he thought about her might grow duller over time, but he wasn't convinced it would ever go away.

Worse than the missing her, though, was the guilt. Even if he eventually learned to live without her in his life, how could he ever shake the feeling that her absence was entirely his fault? If he had just been thinking clearly — if he had said something to make her stay — if he had said anything, instead of having that impulse and fighting it off and then just walking out of the room.

"Yeah, maybe," he said, obviously unconvinced. "But I'll always wonder if I could've done something differently."

The following 1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post:1 user Likes J. Alfred Darrow's post
   Alice Dawson

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

"I wouldn't," he said, "—wonder about how things would be different, I mean." There were plenty of things Julian could have done differently in life, but after losing his leg he'd resolved not to have regrets. It would have been a terrible way to waste his life, and he doubted he would have ever amassed the success he had if he'd spent his time seeking adventure as he had in his youth. From what he knew of Darrow, Julian thought he would do best to adopt a similar mindset.

"You have so much to look forward to in life," he explained. Darrow would do best to remember he had Zelda, a girl who wasn't likely to jump ship anytime soon. She wasn't some female friend who he'd fought with and lost; she was someone who wanted to spend her life with him. "Will it really be so significant in five, ten years when you're married with children?" Because Darrow could have those things—would have them, he'd dare say—but only if he focused on what was important, even if Julian's idea of what was important for Darrow was a little skewed.

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— gorgeous set by MJ<3 —

It was a little odd to hear someone who was essentially the same age as him say he had so much to look forward to in life, as though he were a Hogwarts student sitting in on a career counseling session. That said, even with everything else that had happened in the past two days, the phrase married with children brought half a smile to his face. He didn't think any of Zelda's siblings had ever talked so openly and optimistically about his chances in that realm. Julian seemed to think it was an inevitability, which was... encouraging, to say the least. Particularly after Alfred had just repeatedly put his foot in his mouth on the subject of Jo.

"Well," he said a little wryly, "I'm hoping it doesn't take five or ten years."

If he had his way, he and Zelda would be married by the end of the season — but that was assuming he could convince her father... and assuming he could get over this thing from yesterday.

  

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER

Julian smiled at that, but didn't say anything. Zelda as a married woman was admittedly an idea that sounded even weirder than himself as a married man, but she was what, twenty-two? It was one of the reasons he thought the whole Fisk effort to keep the two apart was silly; if they'd read more novels they would know that trying to keep two people apart never ended well, and if they got their way she mind end up an old maid.

"I'm not going to try to tell you what to do," he said. Darrow was a grown man, and moreover he really ought to solve this problem on his own. Who knew how many other female friends he kept, but Julian didn't care—there was only one Zelda. "Just focus on what's important moving forward. That's all you can do." He downed his pint with one last, long gulp and placed it back on the table with a clank.

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The following 1 user Likes Julian Fisk's post:1 user Likes Julian Fisk's post
   J. Alfred Darrow

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— gorgeous set by MJ<3 —

Julian had a point, and coming off the heels of that comment about married with children it was easier to push aside his feelings about Jo Smith and recognize it. He'd done the right thing, yesterday, even if he felt lousy about the way things had turned out. Walking away from her to protect his relationship with Zelda had been the right thing to do. It would have been better still if he'd never found himself in that situation in the first place, but there wasn't much he could do about that now except continue to regret it.

"No, you're right," he said with a nod. The right thing to do moving forward was nothing, at least as far as Jo was concerned. She'd left, and he needed to just let her go — that was over, and any attempt to salvage it would risk too much with Zelda. As for Zelda... he still felt guilty when he thought of not telling her about this, even if nothing had actually happened, but he could wrestle with that on his own time.

"Thank you. Can I buy you another?" he asked, tipping his own glass in the direction of the pint Fisk had just finished.

  

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MJ made the most Alfredy of sets and then two years later she made it EVEN BETTER