Issue #216 - The Cursed Engagement of Zabini and Riley
September 16, 2019 – 1:33 AM
The Original Fake News
September 16, 2019 – 1:33 AM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Reasons Why Career Women Are Less Happy 1. They are more stressed. Jobs, by nature, are stressful—no one's denying it. Nothing is more straining to the brain than having to meet the expectations of an employer and knowing that a consumer's happiness (or at times, their health!) is in your hands. 2. Their marriages, or chances of finding a husband, suffer. When women are away from the home, there is an imbalance in both family and marriage. Children do not have the steady hand of their mother to guide them throughout the day, and husbands suffer from the shame of feeling as if they cannot support their families on their own. A single woman who works is unlikely to have time to find a proper husband. 3. They are scrutinized by society. Whether you believe it's right or wrong, it's an unquestionable truth that working women of good means are often judged by their peers and often their families for pursuing an unconventional role. We give our props to the ladies who remain unfazed by this judgment, but not all ladies possess the same self-esteem. 4. They are not their male counterpart's equals. Women in the workplace are often treated as second-best to their male colleagues no matter what position they hold. We imagine it is a frustrating position to be in. 5. They have little time for leisure. While a career woman's friends might be enjoying a night at a party or planning spending a day playing lawn tennis, she is stuck behind the desk. After a taxing day, she returns home to her family and tries (and likely fails!) to complete her other responsibilities before fainting from exhaustion. A life like that is not worth living. |
September 16, 2019 – 1:36 AM
The Original Fake News
| Which of the March sisters are you? | |
‘Little Women’ may have been written by a muggle - and an American, at that - but it has nevertheless become a classic of literature among our own young ladies. It is universally held that every girl can, in spirit, be distilled into the character of one of the four March sisters. But are you Amy, Beth, Meg or Jo? You were born... a) the eldest child. Is it that obvious? b) to disappointment you were not a boy. Perhaps even your own. c) so quietly it's a wonder anyone noticed you. d) the baby of the family, or just desperate for attention. In your spare time, you most enjoy... a) shopping for new clothes. b) climbing trees like a hooligan. c) playing the piano and keeping to yourself. d) showing off your artistic skills. At Hogwarts, you were a... a) Ravenclaw. b) Gryffindor. c) Hufflepuff. d) Slytherin. After your death, you would like to be remembered... a) as the perfect daughter; perfect wife; perfect mother - just all around perfect. b) for being famous, forthright and free. c) you don't mind being remembered, so long as you were loved. d) for your wealth of talents and personal achievements. (And your splendiferous vocabulary.) |
Finally, what is the greatest trial of your life? a) Not being rich enough for pretty silks. b) People telling you to be proper. c) The piano not being in tune. (No: in fact everything's a trial, you have anxiety.) d) Your nose, and pickled limes.  Mostly A's You are Meg March. Elegant and responsible, you are a good role model and are sure to marry well, for love if not for money. You have a fondness for luxuries and leisure that, if you try, you will be able to overcome in order to live a happy life, although everyone is secretly sick of your constant complaining. And take greater care when curling your hair. Mostly B's You are Jo March. You are not a lost cause yet, but your desire for independence may ruin you if you let it. You have spirit in buckets, a fierce temper and grand ideas - but clean up your act now and learn to be a lady, otherwise you'll end up married at the very last minute to some German man. Mostly C's You are Beth March. Oh dear, you are a lost cause. It is no flaw to be sweet or self-sacrificing, but your shyness and placid nature make you rather boring, and you have a habit of fading into the background. Stop doting on people so and do something with your life, before you wind up dying young and terribly forgettable. Mostly D's You are Amy March. You are destined to have it all, to see the world and marry the handsome fellow you have your sights on: only you may have to rub some people the wrong way in order to get it. Still, follow your ambitions and shed some of your spoilt tendencies, and in the end you won't mind so much about not being remotely likeable. |
September 16, 2019 – 1:37 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Cursed Engagement of Zabini and Riley As many of our readers are likely to fully be aware of, the widow of the late Daniel Riley, a one Calliope Riley née Browne, is to be married once more to Mr. Cosmo Zabini. Some may be well aware that Mr. Zabini has been through not one, but two marriages before this coming union. Needless to say, both sides of this seemingly ideal match seem to carry their own baggage.  Mrs. Calliope Riley, intended of Mr. Cosmo Zabini. Miss Bellona Zabini, youngest daughter of the to-be groom.Given the fact that Mrs. Riley already has two step-daughters, one can expect that she has enough experience with the adjusting step-child to handle any negative interactions that one may expect from the Mr. Zabini's children in light of this new development. This does bring to question of whether or not these new family dynamics will be well received by any of the children of Mr. Zabini and Mrs. Riley. With the cursed history of both sides of this union, it's safe to say that there will be a sense of tension in the mix. |
September 16, 2019 – 1:38 AM
The Original Fake News
| For any problem, big or small, Miss Harmony Aidsworth is here to advise you! | Ask Harmony Aidsworth! Dear Miss Harmony Aidsworth, I am the youngest daughter of a decently affluent family with a good reputation but I have yet to wed. My elder sisters have gone on to have their second marriages (their first husbands passed away) and I cannot help but feel like a burden upon my family. What can I do to make myself more of a draw for a potential husband? Is there any hope for me at all or shall I be doomed to be a spinster aunt forever? Sincerely, Miss Plain Dear Plain, Continue to put yourself out there and perhaps enlist the help of your sisters! They obviously know how to get themselves wed even if they seem less adept at keeping the husband alive. Dress yourself a little more stylishly - work to draw their eye but do keep in mind that one should not be a harlot about it! You could also invest in a cat to keep you company should your destiny be to indeed be the spinster aunt forever. Sincerely, Miss Harmony Aidsworth Dear Miss Harmony Aidsworth, I am a very wealthy girl that is currently attending Hogwarts and come from a family with a very well known name. I have been betrothed since birth to a man that is more than a decade older than myself. He is kind but I am in love with another - a male student in the year above me. He is everything a man should be with only his status as an impoverished individual being a mark against him. Whatever can I do? Is it too much to hope that I might run away with this boy and live the rest of my days with him? Sincerely, Smitten Beyond Reason Dear Miss Smitten Beyond Reason, It is very important that you cut off all contact with this boy. You have been promised since birth and Hogwarts is no place for you to be entertaining thoughts of romance. For boys in Hogwarts - even ones with the same social status as you! - are not marriage material quite yet. Running away with him can only spell misery and despair for the both of you. Come to your senses and remember that you have a very privileged place within society - one you would lose due to fleeting feelings that can surely never stand the test of time. Sincerely, Miss Harmony Aidsworth |
September 16, 2019 – 2:19 AM
The Original Fake News
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