Issue #191 - Our Heroes!
August 5, 2018 – 2:13 PM
The Original Fake News
August 5, 2018 – 2:13 PM
The Original Fake News
| Follow-Ups On Our Fog Follower Predictions Mr. Barnabas Skeeter: Was once more a magnet for disaster! Mr. Skeeter, after being overtaken by boils, apparently had trouble with his prosthetic limb. While he did not perish, he was unable to continue adventuring, as a previous disaster prevented this one from inevitably killing him. Mr. Tybalt Kirke: Was less lucky than we anticipated. While he was technically successful, as he was not turned back before the end of the expedition, he was also turned into a cat. Unfortunate. Mr. Edric Umbridge: Reportedly the Head Auror's group was first set on fire by flaming rain, then split up, resulting in an injury to Mr. Langley. Once they entered the Irvingly casino, the group did not encounter disaster beyond Mr. Thomas Tilcott turning into a cat. They also were unsuccessful. Was it worth leaving the Ministry? Mr. Somersby Fudge: Found himself in the same grouping as Mr. Umbridge. Mr. Fudge survived unscathed and, while the disasters which befell their group do not speak well to the Head Auror and the more aged adults among them, (including Mr. Fletcher Langley and Mr. Conall Mackay,) they did not result in the seventh year's death. Congratulations, Mr. Fudge! The Twins Lécuyer: Miss Odette Lécuyer made it to the end of the expedition, but had the misfortune to be left alone with men at the end, so who knows what happened to her while she had simply the company of Mr. Kenton Yaxley, Mr. Andrew Lyness, and Mr. Clinton Podmore. (Mr. Podmore in particular is a notorious flirt!) Miss Mireille Lécuyer was punted by a water buffalo. Neither of them came off very well, evidently. Mr. Kentigern MacFusty: Survived, but was left with burn marks from an apparent corpse. Again we say: unfortunate. Miss Cupcake Whitledge: Apparently Miss Whitledge caught malaria, and we are not surprised. Madam Violet Wiltingham: Madam Wiltingham never made it into Irvingly, as she caught ill on the journey. Miss Maeve Connolly: Survived and thrived, having escaped the same group as Mr. MacFusty without any physical damage. |
August 5, 2018 – 2:13 PM
The Original Fake News
 Alumni of note: Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports, Edmund Grimm; Accidental Magic Reversal Squad Head, Nelson Cuthbert; Puddlemere United Captain and Keeper, Esteban Zavala.  Alumni of note: Hogsmeade Hospital Director, Baxter Keene; Owner of Honeyduke's, Quincey Honeyduke; Chudley Cannons Sponsor, Nathaniel Gallivan. | Where Will The Sorting Hat Place My Child? With the next school year starting in less than a month, parents may find themselves wondering with increasing frequency what house their eleven year old child will be sorted into. We've prepared a quiz to give parents an idea of what to expect from that first letter home in September. 1. Which house did you belong to? a. Gryffindor b. Hufflepuff c. Ravenclaw d. Slytherin 2. Which house did the child's father belong to? a. Gryffindor b. Hufflepuff c. Ravenclaw d. Slytherin 3. If your child has older siblings, which house(s) were they sorted in to? a. Gryffindor b. Hufflepuff c. Ravenclaw d. Slytherin 4. Which best describes your child? a. Bold, headstrong, adventurous. b. Diligent, sweet, generous. c. Wise beyond their years, astute, inquisitive. d. Canny, determined, resourceful. 5. If your child has a preference, where would they choose to be? a. Gryffindor b. Hufflepuff c. Ravenclaw d. Slytherin 6. How does your child behave when reprimanded? a. With obstinance, begrudging their own obedience. b. Humbly, their apologies are sincere and heartfelt. c. Regretfully, they knew better and are ashamed. d. Your child is all apologies but a part of you doubts their contrition. 7. Would you trust your child with great responsibility? a. No. b. Yes. c. Yes. d. No. Mostly A's: Your child will most likely end up in the house of the bold and brave lion. Prepare yourself, parenting a willful, young Gryffindor is difficult and at times distressing. Mostly B's: Hufflepuff prizes a good work ethic and kindness, while they may not be glory or wit, these are still attributes to be proud of. Mostly C's: Ravenclaw. If your child's remarkable intellect didn't bring you to this conclusion prior to the quiz, he or she likely did not inherit it from you. Mostly D's: Your child's lofty ambitions will see them in Slytherin. While many like to present the house of the snake as a hotbed for dark magic, it is worth remembering that Merlin himself was a Slytherin. |  Alumni of note: Minister of Magic, Justin Ross; Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Edward Hornbuckle; Former Minister of Magic, Balthazar Urquart.  Alumni of note: Hogwarts Headmaster, Phineas Black; Chief Warlock, Lucius Lestrange; Head Auror, Edric Umbridge. |
August 5, 2018 – 2:14 PM
The Original Fake News
 Mr. Hamish Darrow, the Head of Hufflepuff  Mr. Eugene Scamander, beast division employee | Our Heroes! At long last, the source of the fog has been discovered and its reign has ended. With life seemingly having gone mostly back to normal, the credit for the salvation of Hogsmeade and Irvingly falls to five individuals: Mister Hamish Darrow, Miss Constance Sykes, Mrs Carmelina Cramming, Eugene Scamander. and Mister Charlie Williams (whom we were unable to obtain a photo of). This With Weekly reporter decided to do a little digging so that you, our readers, could get to know the heroes of the moment a little bit better. Mister Hamish Darrow One of the eldest of the expedition adventurers and longtime History of Magic professor at Hogwarts as well as the Head of Hufflepuff, we have no doubt that Mister Darrow had a lot of knowledge and expertise that benefited his team. Appointed Deputy Head of House and a widower, Mister Darrow would make an ideal husband for an older spinster. Though there are whispers that he might have a love connection with the lovely Miss Sykes! Miss Constance Sykes A beautiful muggleborn witch, Miss Sykes has served as Slytherin matron since 1884. She is said to be quite the amateur duelist as well as being well liked among the students she provides guidance to. She has been rumored to be quite close to a fellow Hogwarts staff member and it is now believed that said staff member is none other than Hamish Darrow! Having never been married despite her obvious beauty and talents, this would be quite the opportunity for the aging spinster. Mrs Carmelina Cramming Mrs Cramming is widely known among academic circles, having published a book entitled Ancient Runes, Ancient Tombs. Reports say that she is set to be the Ancient Runes professor in the upcoming school year. Once married, her husband died in Egypt. The couple never had children nor did they ever really settle down. At thirty three years old, it is not too late for Mrs Cramming to start a family but this is not something that she seems to show interest in. Mister Eugene Scamander A beast division employee at the Ministry, Mister Scamander is a very respectable young man. While on the young side of things, Mister Scamander is of a decent marrying age for a young debutante. He was in Hufflepuff and is reported as being quite kind and amiable. Eugene's father once ran for Minister and only withdrew due to a health issue. No doubt Mister Scamander will be up for a promotion in the next couple years and could make quite the valuable husband to the young lady that plays her cards right! Mister Charlie Williams Not much is known about Charlie Williams and Witch Weekly was not able to dig up much about him. What is known is that he came to England in 1886 after being raised in Australia. It is rather curious that not much else was able to be found out about him. Is he just an isolated hermit that felt the need to help or is he hiding something? |  Mrs Carmelina Cramming, future Ancient Runes Professor  Miss Constance Sykes, Slytherin matron |
August 5, 2018 – 2:14 PM
The Original Fake News
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August 5, 2018 – 2:14 PM
The Original Fake News
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