Issue #251 — These Are The Best Families to Marry Into—And The Worst
January 20, 2021 – 1:16 AM
The Original Fake News
January 20, 2021 – 1:16 AM
The Original Fake News
| A survival guide for every lady lacking an artistic eye, before you visit the exhibition at the Hogsmeade Memorial Ballroom, Jan 28 - Jan. 30, hosted by the Hogsmeade Women's Institute. Who will be the pièce de résistance there? Why, you, dear. | The Dos And Don’ts Of Talking About Art Do: use more words than fewer. Never make your sentences simple - this shows that you are a simpleton who cannot comprehend the deeper meaning of anything. Let your impressions flow. Lose your conversation-partner in your creative mind. Leave them in awe. Don’t: say you like a painting. How juvenile, to like a painting. Do: comment on an aspect of the composition. Everything is about the composition nowadays. Don’t: breathe down someone’s neck in your hurry for them to move, or take out a pocketwatch to check the time. People will notice. Do: ask questions. If you are lacking something to say in conversation, point out that a piece raises questions. What questions? Why, any you like. Make your partner do the work by asking and what do you think about that?  Don’t: criticise anything at too great a volume. The artist themselves could very well be standing beside you admiring their own work — and ‘the artist’ is usually a vain and sensitive creature. They will take it personally. Insult them at your peril. Do: namedrop as much as possible. There is nothing more embarrassing than being unfamiliar with a famous name. Brush up on your Sargent and Hunt, your Archer and Beauclerc, Periwinkle and Lightfoot-Lamonby. “But have you heard of Arden Bimp?” You can then say. “You haven’t heard of Bimp?” Don’t: Gawp. No matter how outrageous or how dull or how ludicrous, you must refuse to blink or let your jaw fall. No expression is a good expression. A thoughtfully furrowed brow says essays of the depth of your opinion: a true critic does not overreact. Do not enthuse. Do: think about symbolism. Everything symbolises something else. Even the attractive gentleman poring over a landscape beside you likely symbolises something. You had better discover what. Don’t: touch anything. If you get even a fraction too close with a fingertip outstretched, someone will take it upon themselves to throw you out within moments and you will thenceforth be known as a filthy philistine. |
January 20, 2021 – 1:16 AM
The Original Fake News
| Witch Weekly do not recommend consuming the tea whilst upending oneself, unseemingly choking may occur! | For the Alleviation of Female Ailments When suffering greatly from the sort of feminine ailments that are universal there are many things one might do to ease the unpleasantness of it all. One such treatment that comes highly recommended is a nice cold, ice bath. It is understood that heat does much to worsen the situation and may even lead to peril for one's mental facilities. To treat the body to a refreshing ice bath works wonders to preserve mind, body, and spirit during those trying times. The longer one is deprived of warmth, the more success is likely to be had. This treatment works wonders, particularly in the hottest months of summer when one is prone to increased suffering. If ice bathing does not work, many ladies swear by a tea concocted from moondew, fluxweed, and a small dash of moonseed. It is recommended to drink this tea under a full moon and when next the lady's ailment is due to befall you, you shall find yourself protected from the harm within. This tea also does much for brightening the eyes and improving one's pallor, it really is quite the marvel! Finally, if all else fails, a daily regimen of turning oneself upside down should reassure the young lady that all remains where it should and the dangers of female ailments are kept at bay. The condition is unavoidable but lunacy and disaster are not! |
January 20, 2021 – 1:17 AM
The Original Fake News
| "These Are The Best Families to Marry Into—And The Worst" | |
When the topic of marriage comes up in conversation, it is often the men themselves that we focus on. However, most married women will tell you that marrying a man means marrying their families as well; and as much as we love some of our top society bachelors, their families may leave something to be desired! Today we're covering the families you definitely want to marry into—and the ones you don't! Mr. Fitzroy Prewett Do marry into... the Prewett family! This one is far from a surprise. Mrs. Harriet Prewett has four unmarried sons—and a massive, well-connected family. With relations such as the Longbottoms, Mulcibers, and the Boneses, it's likely that any young lady lucky enough to find herself a Mrs. Prewett will not be lacking in invitations. The family has not been without their share of scandal—notably Mr. Fitzroy and Frederick Prewett's short stint in Azkaban, and the late Mr. Gideon Prewett's wrongful labelling as a dark wizard—but every one has been resolved in their favor. A lucky family indeed! Don't marry into... the Lestrange family! We know, we know—it's a controversial opinion. Many debutantes mourned the marriage of Mr. Claudius Lestrange to his cousin, then-Miss Ellory Pendergast, and the family is the definition of influential, but consider: an old-money family such as the Lestranges has everything to lose and little left to gain. They do not seem the type to suffer foolishness from their own kin, let alone an outsider. In families with such influence, every misstep is noted, every rumor reported, and every hint of a scandal plastered across the papers. Do marry into... the Fisk family! Most large families have their troubles, but the Fisks have proven themselves to be a family-oriented bunch. For a woman seeking a match with connections, look no further: the wife of Minister Ross is a née Fisk, Mr. Konstantin Fisk holds great influence as the Department of Magical Law Enforcement's assistant head, and Mr. Ari Fisk head a department in the hospital. |
Don't marry into... the Selwyn family! Another large, pureblooded family, the Selwyns are known less for their mystique, but rather their peculiar family dynamics. The patriarch of the family has an acknowledged bastard in the form of Miss Liliana Selwyn, and there are rumors that there are more unacknowledged ones circulating out in the magical world! Take our advice: avoid this family and its scandal. Do marry into... the Ollivander family! Both Ollivander brothers are unmarried, and it's unlikely that either intend to stay that way. The Ollivander family has been providing wands to the magical community for centuries, and wives are necessary to keep the family name in circulation. While not exceedingly wealthy, the Ollivander surname comes with a certain prestige that any young lady could appreciate. Don't marry into... the Scrimgeour family! Once a perfectly respectable family, the Scrimgeour family's reputation has been marred by Miss Annabelle Scrimgeour's scandal and eventual disownment. While on the trajectory for a return to high society, debutantes on the hunt for a husband should take note of the family's history of scandal—and in the case of the late Mr. Argus Scrimgeour—violent tendencies towards women. Do marry into... the Crouch family! Another potentially controversial opinion given the escapades of Mr. Reuben Crouch, we have no reason to believe any young lady would be anything less than happy as the wife of Mr. Aldous or Mr. Roman Crouch. Both gentleman are high-end Ministry employees and have accomplished plenty despite their young age. (Not to mention both are handsome!)  Mr. Gideon Ollivander |
January 20, 2021 – 1:17 AM
The Original Fake News
| Who is Professor Forfang? Our Readers Weigh in! | |
After the rather lively debate between Professors Picardy and Forfang, one question stands at the height of everyone's mind. Just exactly who is Professor Forfang? How much do we know? After some investigation, we here at Witch Weekly are confident in Professor Picardy's suggestion that such a name is indeed a pseudonym. Here are some theories as to the identity of this mysterious professor. Mr. MacFusty, Head of the Dragon Restraint Bureau.Kentigern MacFusty: Everyone knows that the MacFusty family has a taste for danger. But could that lifestyle really be restricted to a fascination for dragons? Having connections in the Ministry could provide him with both useful contacts for research outside of his department, as well as a confidence over having some semblance of authority on such matters. But should a hobbyist working outside of his own field really have such a justification towards being an authority on these matters? Perhaps it would be best if Mr. MacFusty stuck to his current official line of work.  Professor d'Orsay, Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor and Head of Gryffindor House.Octavius d'Orsay: As a professor of teaching young minds as to how to protect one's self against the dark arts, it would come as a shock to learn of werewolf sympathies from Professor d'Orsay. However, it does seem that one prone to academia would wish to further work towards his own research. Given how recent his employment at Hogwarts is, recent publishings from earlier research would not be a very far fetched assumption. But would we really wish for such liberal ideas to be exposed to our youth? |
 The young Mr. Belby, son of known werewolf Ephraim Belby.Archer Belby: One could ask how a child would be able to afford sending in anonymous research to a publisher house, but perhaps it is possible with aid - or worse, theft! No matter the means, sources say that the young Mr. Belby has had a publicly known fascination with werewolves and non-humans. Could this all be a child's misguided attempt at aiding his estranged father through pro-werewolf propaganda?  Professor Picardy, 'rival' of Professor Forfang.Emerett Picardy: Publicly, the two names ring out as rivals. But is there more to this newspaper debate than what is on the surface? Perhaps the Forfang published works is strictly a means of furthering advertisement towards Professor Picardy's own published works. A lively debate does seem to draw in the more academically inclined. Or perhaps this is simply the works of a gentleman with far too much time on his hands. Time that can be better spent taking part in society, and possibly finding a new wife. |
January 20, 2021 – 1:17 AM
The Original Fake News
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