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Witch Weekly · January 20, 2021 – 1:16 AM

A survival guide for every lady lacking an artistic eye, before you visit the exhibition at the Hogsmeade Memorial Ballroom, Jan 28 - Jan. 30, hosted by the Hogsmeade Women's Institute. Who will be the pièce de résistance there? Why, you, dear.

The Dos And Don’ts Of Talking About Art
Do: use more words than fewer. Never make your sentences simple - this shows that you are a simpleton who cannot comprehend the deeper meaning of anything. Let your impressions flow. Lose your conversation-partner in your creative mind. Leave them in awe.

Don’t: say you like a painting. How juvenile, to like a painting.

Do: comment on an aspect of the composition. Everything is about the composition nowadays.

Don’t: breathe down someone’s neck in your hurry for them to move, or take out a pocketwatch to check the time. People will notice.

Do: ask questions. If you are lacking something to say in conversation, point out that a piece raises questions. What questions? Why, any you like. Make your partner do the work by asking and what do you think about that?

Don’t: criticise anything at too great a volume. The artist themselves could very well be standing beside you admiring their own work — and ‘the artist’ is usually a vain and sensitive creature. They will take it personally. Insult them at your peril.

Do: namedrop as much as possible. There is nothing more embarrassing than being unfamiliar with a famous name. Brush up on your Sargent and Hunt, your Archer and Beauclerc, Periwinkle and Lightfoot-Lamonby. “But have you heard of Arden Bimp?” You can then say. “You haven’t heard of Bimp?”

Don’t: Gawp. No matter how outrageous or how dull or how ludicrous, you must refuse to blink or let your jaw fall. No expression is a good expression. A thoughtfully furrowed brow says essays of the depth of your opinion: a true critic does not overreact. Do not enthuse.

Do: think about symbolism. Everything symbolises something else. Even the attractive gentleman poring over a landscape beside you likely symbolises something. You had better discover what.

Don’t: touch anything. If you get even a fraction too close with a fingertip outstretched, someone will take it upon themselves to throw you out within moments and you will thenceforth be known as a filthy philistine.

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