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Witch Weekly · June 21, 2020 – 6:28 PM

The Hawaiian National Team may only be in England for a few days before and after their scheduled Quidditch match, but as we expect some international travel as visitors and spectators accompany them, we decided our readers might benefit from a primer on Hawaiian culture and habits.

What You Should Know About Hawaiians
1. They come from a tiny island kingdom. Although it includes many small islands (at least sixteen, by some counts), the entirety of Hawaii could fit within Great Britain ten times over. As such, the magical and Muggle populations are both much smaller than our own.

2. They might be Americans soon. The Muggle government of the United States has been posturing to try and take control of the islands. Although they still have a king who maintains formal control, there is a strong American presence in their economy and politics, and experts suggest the change may happen within a generation or two.

3. They're really into "surfing." A single-person 'sport' of sorts, "surfing" involves a young man venturing out into a stormy sea with nothing but a flat board for company. They then stand on the board and try to maintain their balance while a wave comes up beneath them and pushes them back towards the shoreline. This strange hobby is popular among Muggles and has even spawned a magical version: broom surfing, in which wizards try to balance on their tiptoes atop a broom while riding wind currents.

What one might expect to find on the beaches of Hawaii - nearly naked men about to engage in perilous sport for no discernible purpose.

4. They hardly ever wear clothes. The image above is hardly the only instance of men trotting around with only their most private areas covered, and by some reports even the women often go entirely bare above the waist. This is partially due to the hot climate in the islands and partially due to their general lack of morality, as a nation.

5. They play tiny guitars. The ukalele (pronounced you-kah-lay-lee) is popular in Hawaii. It looks exactly like a smaller version of a guitar, but with fewer strings. Unfortunately the similarities end there: the music created by this instrument is twangy and most unpleasing to the ears of non-natives.

6. They tend towards wildness. As one might have surmised by their constant state of undress, they are not a well-regulated people and do not tend to do things in moderation. We have heard reports of wild nights of drunken revelry taking place around beach-based bonfires when they have something to celebrate. Hopefully we will have no cause to witness any such spectacles here, as we hope Britain will win the match and give the Hawaiians no reason to celebrate.

7. The Muggles might be more civilized than the wizards in some aspects. Colonization, Christianity, and civility are recent arrivals in Hawaii, and have affected the Muggle population more acutely than the wizarding community in some regards. For instance, Muggle Hawaiians have surnames (after being forced by law to adopt them in 1860; beforehand they presumably just didn't keep track of their own family beyond one generation) while wizarding Hawaiians generally do not, clinging instead to tribalistic tradition. Magical residents are also less likely to have adopted modern practices or religion.

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