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Witch Weekly · April 12, 2020 – 5:15 AM

5 Female Quidditch Players Who Ought to Know When to Quit
Most of our readers would doubtless prefer to forget about the women who insist on forcing themselves into Quidditch on a daily basis, but the recent Quidditch World Cup tryouts have driven them to the forefront for many. Here is a brief selection of women who really ought to move on to some other, more appropriate hobby:

Desdemona Pettigrew
Mrs. Pettigrew played professional Quidditch from 1881 to 1888, when a long anticipated pregnancy forced her into retirement from the sport and she finally forsook the unladylike hobby for domestic life — or so we thought, until she jumped into the role of Coach for the Holyhead Harpies earlier this year, and then tried for a spot on the Quidditch World Cup team battling against both her own players and her husband for the privilege. It is no surprise to anyone who follows the sport that she did not make the cut, and frankly everyone is of the opinion that she has embarrassed herself a good deal with such a desperate attempt to cling to something that she was only arguably good at in the first place. Married life really must not suit her well, if she is so desperate to make a fool of herself trying to reclaim what little Quidditch glory she once had.

Maggie Darrow
Ms. Darrow has devoted three of the best years of her life to the Holyhead Harpies, and has now a position on the second-string of the Quidditch World Cup for her troubles. The problem is that Ms. Darrow really has no excuse; she comes from a family with plenty of respectable role models, including her father, the Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts. She even has a sister of a similar age whose character is beyond reproach (and certainly must mourn how her prospects are impacted by her sister's strange obsession with this sport!)

Augusta Robins
A professional player for ten years running, Ms. Robins will also represent Britain in the World Cup this season. Although far from the only female player to try out, she is the only one to be granted a position, leading our reporters to wonder if there was some sort of pity-quota for which she might have qualified. The lack of female representation means that women are obviously not as qualified for this highly physical and demanding sport as men are (which should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with basic anatomy; women are called the fairer sex for a reason, after all), and Ms. Robins' inclusion on the first string will doubtless make the British team all the worse. Women like Ms. Robins ought to be ashamed of themselves for forcing their place in a sport which was never designed to include them, and ruining everyone's good fun — and now, potentially, our chance at the World Cup — in the process.

Citrine Weasley
A current sixth year Hogwarts student, Miss Weasley is the Captain of her house team. While many of our readers may see no harm to letting girls play Quidditch at Hogwarts, Miss Weasley also decided to try out for the Quidditch World Cup team — and if she had made the cut, she would have been expected to drop out of school immediately, and forego her last year of Hogwarts, nevermind a debut! What her parents were thinking allowing her to participate is, frankly, beyond reconciliation. Since she has definitely not been chosen for the World Cup, Miss Weasley ought to cut her losses and find something respectable to do with her life — while she still can.

Sloane Bixby
An unlikely selection for a feature in our magazine, Miss Bixby is still a third-year student at Hogwarts. That being said, she has much to recommend her towards a life of bludger-bruises and disappointment, as she comes from a family of Quidditch players and broom makers, and plays on the team herself. Given rumors that Miss Bixby is also a metamorphamagus, it seems nearly impossible that she might even try for a respectable society life, but if any of her friends or family would like to keep her from the road to ruin, it is imperative that intervention be swift: Miss Bixby must give up Quidditch at once.

Mrs. Pettigrew, disinterested wife and mother

Ms. Augusta Robins

One of the many faces of metamorphamagus Sloane Bixby

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