Issue #262 - Top Four Eligible Widowers
June 22, 2021 – 3:38 AM
The Original Fake News
June 22, 2021 – 3:38 AM
The Original Fake News
| OOC Note: Will work for roughly the first 12-14 hours of use; after that, the user’s face or any area of affected skin will age rapidly, with major wrinkles, blemishes and greying hairs that, untreated, will only fade after three days. | Solution for Spectacularly Smooth Summer Skin This recipe is a tried and tested concoction of Madam Bethalina Spendlove, and an exclusive preview of the potioness’ forthcoming book Madam Spendlove’s All-Natural Alchemy of Beauty (now available for preorder). Madam Spendlove says, of this recipe: “This is one of my most illustrious accomplishments, and my dear late mother, Ethelburga, for whom I brewed this solution regularly, had many a glowing report of how every young bachelor at a party mistook her youthful face and hands for a twenty-one year old debutante’s even at the age of sixty-three! But it is not only for a wilting matron; the stress of being a young socialite leads to premature furrows in a lady’s brow or tightness around the eyes and mouth, and should be swiftly smoothed away by this simple wash. Never worry about how many seasons you have been out again!” Ingredients 3 1/2 newt spleens 1 tsp of loose chamomile 1 1/2 tbsps of billywig slime Small dash of belladonna essence 2 stems of dittany, finely chopped 1 sprig of elderflower Instructions 2. Add 4 cups of honeywater and mix spleen mush in, well. 3. Bring cauldron to a gentle simmer and stir in chamomile six times anticlockwise. 4. When solution reaches a sunset orange colour, add billywig sting slime. 5. Let stand for fifteen minutes. In the meantime, chop the dittany stems to a fine, even size. 6. Now on a higher heat, add a dash of essence of belladonna and the dittany. 7. Stir vigorously. 8. Lower the heat and add sprig of elderflower to leave the potion a fresh, youthful green. 9. Once cooled, add two drops per pint of water to a washbowl or a bath and use a cloth to scrub well into skin. 10. Admire yourself in the mirror to appreciate the instant rejuvenation! 11. (Don’t forget to order Madam Spendlove’s All-Natural Alchemy of Beauty for more beauty solutions.) |
June 22, 2021 – 3:39 AM
The Original Fake News
| Bellona Zabini, Facts on the Unlucky Beauty We all know the scandal that rocked the Zabini family -and Society – in 1881. We know of her sister’s scandalous elopement, but what do we truly know of the tragic beauty, Miss Bellona Zabini? Never fear, dear readers, Witch Weekly investigates and according to her closest friends, these facts are entirely true!  Bellona Zabini: Beautifully tragic or tragically beautiful?The first Mrs. Cosmo Zabini doomed more than her own marriage with her scandalous secret. It seems that Bellona Zabini was betrothed to Mr. Septimus Yaxley, a perfect match for a prestigious young lady. Understandably, the match was dissolved. Mr. Yaxley was unavailable for comment. Perhaps the betrayal is still too sore a subject. 2. Her name is important Any naming seer will tell you the importance of a child’s name, but Miss Zabini’s name has a deeper meaning. In her mother’s foreign culture, ‘Akosua’ means ‘born on a Sunday.’ According to those customs, daughters born on Sundays are leaders in Society, inquisitive, and agile people. Time will tell if Miss Zabini lives up to her name. 3. She keeps noteworthy friends. Scandal hasn’t robbed Miss Zabini of all her connections. Miss Angeline Malfoy has been connected to Miss Zabini since childhood and Mrs. Lestrange, formerly Antigone Baudelaire, has been a close friend since school. Surely if Miss Zabini can keep friends of the Malfoy and Lestrange family she has noble qualities of her own. 4. She is an animagus  The rather common dormouse5. She’s Finished, in a manner of speaking Following her Hogwarts career, Miss Zabini spent two years as a Pendergast Rose. Between her exotic beauty and rigorous training in the womanly arts, Miss Zabini has the makings of a successful debutant. Time will tell if she can use her talents to secure a match. 6. Hope on the Horizon? While her sister’s dubious shadow has darkened Miss Zabini’s prospects, there may still be hope. Miss Zabini was seen speaking with both Mr. Felix Prewett and Mr. Charles Macmillan at her sister’s wedding reception. Could Miss Zabini cure Mr. Macmillan of his heartbreak and secure the enviable position of wife to a Ministry man on the rise? Perhaps the Prewett twins have designs to coordinate brides and Miss Zabini will avoid ostracization in the form of Felix Prewett. Imagine, the pureblood twins both settling for the unfortunate halfblooded beauties. That is the sort of romantic tragedy we here at Witch Weekly will watch with great interest. We wish Miss Bellona Zabini the best of luck; if the last decade is any indication, she will need all the luck she can get. |
June 22, 2021 – 3:39 AM
The Original Fake News
| Top Four Eligible Widowers | |
The first season does not always bring good fortune for every young society lady. Some ladies are awkward and others may come off as a little too eager. One must look for the best suitable match after past season mistakes. For the unfortunate ladies who are on their second - or even third! - season, perhaps a widower is for you! Here are the top four eligible widowers for those who have had a hard run of luck thus far on the husband hunt. Charles Macmillan, Junior Assistant to the Minister of Magic.1. Charles Macmillan: Fresh from a broken courtship, this devastatingly handsome widower may possibly be open for a new relationship. This depends particularly on what motivated his courtship with Miss Lestrange and how strong that bond was. But there is hope ladies! A man of such high professional standing and lacking of an heir would need to find a new bride sooner, rather than later.  Octavius d'Orsay, Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor.2. Octavius d'Orsay: Mr. d'Orsay has the benefit of having ample experience in handling children without having a child of his own. As a Head of House at Hogwarts, any wife that he marries shall need to get used to the absence of her husband for a significant portion of the year. This would require an incredibly patient bride. |
 Mikail Karim, Investor and Sponsor of the Hogsmeade Howlers3. Mikail Karim: New to the country, Mr. Karim would be a wonder to behold as a husband. Coming into the match with him would be not only an heir, but two daughters in need of a positive feminine influence. As the oldest daughter has yet to reach the age of ten yet, there is plenty of time for a prospective step-mother to form bonds long before either daughters would be in need of a guiding hand for their own season.  Charles Marshall, Lawyer in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement4. Charles Marshall: While incredibly handsome, Mr. Charles Marshall has a troubled past with marrying below his station - and eloping at that! Now widowed with a child from the pairing, any potential bride would likely be currently down on their luck socially and good with children. A difficult task, though perhaps fatherhood has lead this rake towards a better path than rash elopements. |
June 22, 2021 – 3:39 AM
The Original Fake News
You were a gentleman with the dapper top hat who tripped over his own two feet on the dance floor at the Sandition Ball. I found you to be quite adorable and I think you would make for a suitable husband. Not all men need to be so charming and dashing. Your awkward air had its own charm about it, I assure you! To the young lady in the brown dress that was reading in Hogsmeade Station. I think we might have a similar love for literature and I would love to see if we might be friends! I would love to pick your brains about another book by that particular author if you are so inclined. Maybe we could gather other ladies such as ourselves and form a merry little group to talk of books and enjoy a cup of tea? |
I am a seer and I have had the following visions. I am not particularly inclined in hunting you down and figuring out who you are. That would simply take too much time and my ghostly friend has refused to do so because he doesn't know who any of you are. A stout woman is she, The thief stole your heart, The girl with the yellow parasol, |
You were a rather charmless cretin at the Coming Out Ball. I have spoken to other ladies about your conduct and we have made it our mission to ensure that you never marry! A man such as you who plays with young maidens hearts does not deserve to be happily married. Perhaps you should think twice before shamelessly flirting your way through a group of women who were all in the same school year! In response to... I do believe you might be referring to me. I do apologize for stealing your heart but I have no intention of keeping it. So please, give up on me. It really is not a good idea to go falling in love with criminals. |
| Happiness is just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Missed Connections, Witch Weekly. | ||
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