Issue #263 - 10 Things Men Do When They're Into You
July 19, 2021 – 2:18 AM
The Original Fake News
July 19, 2021 – 2:18 AM
The Original Fake News
| Everyone has already noticed how often Beckett Longbottom and Helga Scamander have been seen in each other's company, which begs the question: why hasn't anything come of it? | Helga Scamander: Hidden Scandal? Miss Helga Scamander: a debutante that many socialites assumed was destined for greatness, a year or two ago. Now, the merry miss has entered her fifth season, which as anyone knows all but marks her for spinsterhood. She may still be relatively young in years, since she debuted immediately following Hogwarts, but if no one has taken a liking to her after five seasons what reason does anyone have to believe her next five seasons will be any different? Some think Miss Scamander has set her sights too high and been a touch too picky in the types of men whose affections she encourages. It is no secret to anyone with eyes that she desires a wealthy, pureblood husband (despite the fact that she herself comes from only modest means and a family riddled with oddities and social stigmas), and she seems particularly to have set her sights on one Mr. Beckett Longbottom, a well-connected but chronically unattached bachelor engaged in the Quidditch industry. Miss Scamander has been seen frequently in his presence, including quite recently at the Sanditon opening ball, where the blush on her cheeks indicated she was as smitten as ever. And why not be smitten? Mr. Longbottom is wealthy, well-connected, from a family of impeccable breeding and of at least moderate good looks. As some of our readers may know, he is also an incorrigible flirt, which is good enough reason for any woman who considers herself charmed by him not to set her hopes too high. While all of society understands Beckett Longbottom to be a man of considerable charm but no substance, Miss Scamander may have learned this particular lesson too late. The two evidently met after Miss Scamander's second season (the beginning of the end for a debutante, but not yet the point of total desperation), and we believe that Mr. Longbottom may have charmed Miss Scamander right into a position that no lady ought to find herself in. If so, this would certainly explain how smitten she has been with him ever since — what lady can ever forget her first moments of intimacy? — but may also explain why she has remained so long unmarried despite having some advantages which ought to have worked in her favor by now. Mr. Longbottom is well-connected, so if he did take Miss Scamander's virtue it is likely that every eligible bachelor in magical London knows of it; rakes do like to brag. No other gentleman would deign to make a wife of someone else's cast-off, and certainly Mr. Longbottom himself would never marry her after he had already sullied her. While some women think that offering themselves to gentlemen will speed the engagement along, let us warn our readers that this sort of thing only happens in romance novels. In real life, men would never marry a woman they know to be so loose with her virtue unless forced to do so by outside influences. And clearly, no one is around to force Mr. Longbottom. Miss Scamander may have been lucky to escape the fate of an unwed mother (or did she? the timing of the birth of her 'nephew' begins to look a little suspect in this light...) but she seems destined for the life of a spinster, all due to youthful folly. Readers take note: hers is a cautionary tale. No rakish man, being satisfied before the wedding night, will ever make a dutiful husband. |
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July 19, 2021 – 2:18 AM
The Original Fake News
| A Housewife's Guide to Cutting Corners One disadvantage over the Hogwarts model of mixed-gender boarding school is that, unlike in some other magical cultures and in Muggle households, young women do not always have the benefit of spending as much time with their mothers. As such, many important tips and tricks related to running a household are never passed on and must be learned by a freshly married young woman, often with many blunders and mistakes made along the way. Use this guide to learn where you can save a little effort, and where you absolutely must get things right! Full Effort: Respecting Your Husband While few would openly disrespect their husbands, many women are so overwhelmed by new responsibilities that they miss subtle cues their husbands issue regarding their wishes. These will vary from man to man, and so it is important to be sensitive to any sign as to his desires; some may place a strong emphasis on looking one's best, particularly when company is present, while others may be more concerned with household management, or with the production of healthy children. Listen to your husband and read between the lines to deduce where your priorities should be. Cut Corners: Wooing Your Husband The courtship is over and the match is secure; many of the energies you previously expended on witty conversation or remembering all of the minutiae of his hobbies can now be safely directed elsewhere. Full Effort: Finding Good Help As the saying goes: One bad apple spoils the bunch, so it's important to properly vet your hired help to ensure no one you take on is likely to corrupt the rest of the staff. A household full of surly servants will surely fall to ruin! Best to head this off right at the pass and never invite them under your roof at all. Look for staff who are clean, respectful, and amiable, and always check for references. Cut Corners: Managing Staff If you've done your hiring well, you needn't involve yourself in any minor details relating to household management or interpersonal disputes among your staff. Leave these issues to be resolved by your housekeeper and head butler, respectively, who should have more than enough experience to do so. Getting involved early on will only lead to an over reliance on your interference and will cause more work for you down the line. Full Effort: Managing the Social Calendar As the lady of the house, you will be expected to respond to invitations on behalf of yourself and your husband, possible for his younger unmarried siblings if they still reside at home, and eventually for your children. Slacking now will only make the task more difficult later when you desperately need connections, so don't neglect to follow through on social plans! Cut Corners: Throwing Parties Now, we don't mean cut corners on the parties themselves; rather, there is an idea that every recently married young woman must throw a grand ball during her first season as Mrs. Whomever, and if you are not confident you can do so well, it is best not to do so at all. A small luncheon or garden party can be a perfectly respectable re-entrance to society as a hostess and takes considerable fewer planning resources. |
Learn which house-keeping corners you can cut to save time and mental stain — and which you absolutely cannot! |
July 19, 2021 – 2:18 AM
The Original Fake News
| 10 Things Men Do When They're Into You | |
| 1. They write to you. It may come as a surprise to a young woman, as they are so often fond of corresponding themselves, but gentlemen are a much busier species with much less time to sit at a desk and engage in correspondence about anything unrelated to business. If a gentleman takes time to write to you—especially if it is he who initiates—it is likely that he’s had you on his mind for far longer than it took to write a letter! 2. He notices your outfit. While it is seen as the polite thing to do for a man to comment on how lovely a lady looks, paying close attention to his words may reveal his true intentions. Generalized statements might mean little, but more specific ones may mean a great deal. Gentlemen do not usually take the time to pay attention to the color of a lady’s dress or the style of their hair. If he goes out of his way to remark on it, it means his eyes have been looking long and often enough for him to notice a difference! 3. He dances with your sisters at balls, or engages your father or brothers in conversation in public. A wise man knows it is not only a lady’s heart he needs to win to secure a proposal—a lady’s family in most cases has just as much influence on her decision to marry as her own feelings. If he dances with your sisters, he may be trying to earn their favor so they may encourage you to accept his offer. If he converses with your male relatives, he may be trying to make himself out to be a good prospect. 4. He flirts with other ladies in your presence. While this may seem a cruel way to earn a lady’s favor, men are not always sensible in matters of the heart. They are possessive creatures, and it is one of the only ways they know how to express love; they may, in return, expect women to act similarly while in love. If you believe a gentleman wishes to marry you, and yet you see him laughing with another lady, do not be afraid to join the conversation and stake your claim in the subtle way women are accustomed to. 5. He is mean to you. Yet again, another cruel way to win a lady’s heart. Hear us out, though. A gentleman who was formerly so kind would only be driven to such cruelty by a belief that he’s been overlooked, slighted, or passed over in favor of another. If you care for the gentleman, do not be quick to jump to conclusions or lose your temper; instead, treat him gently and wind him down until you can find the source of his sudden coldness. More often than not you’ll find it is merely insecurity prompting him to act in such a way! |
6. You run into him often in public. While magical society is small compared to muggle society, it is not that small. Think about how often you run into strangers on the street. We are inclined to think you’ve answered “not often”, because if you do then we can’t believe you’re still strangers! If you run into a man in public more often than other people, it’s likely that he’s learned your routine and is placing himself in a position to speak to you! 7. He smiles at you. Gentlemen are taught from a young age to be stoic and unexpressive. It is one of the reasons we women find them so frustrating, but also what attracts us to them! Men who break the facade of stoicism to pass a woman a smile as sending a message: they like you. They want you. 8. He will not kiss you, even when the opportunity strikes. We know—men and women are not supposed to share such an intimate touch before they are engaged, but it’s a poorly-kept secret that these things do happen. However, a gentleman who truly values you and loves you might be unwilling to make such an exception, not because he does not want to kick you but rather because he does not want you to think less of him. 9. He wants to know details about your life. The trivial things—your favorite sweet, whether you prefer the country or the city, your Hogwarts house—are not things men usually trouble themselves to remember, so by asking they are taking on the responsibility of remembering in the event that they come up in future conversation! What better way to show a lady he cares by saving a spot in his memory for her? 10. He talks about his work. Men talk about their work to everyone, so you may have to be observant when he speaks. If he comments on how high his wages are, what opportunities they afford him in terms of travel, boasts about a recent promotion, or even tries to relate his character to his work (such as a healer wanting you to believe him caring and gentle), he may be trying to impress you! |
July 19, 2021 – 2:19 AM
The Original Fake News
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