Issue #245 - Why Aren’t They Married Yet?
October 27, 2020 – 12:31 AM
The Original Fake News
October 27, 2020 – 12:31 AM
The Original Fake News
| Five Facts About The Grey Lady | |
Everyone who has attended Hogwarts has met the ghosts that haunt the halls, but how much do we know about each ghost? Specifically, famed Ravenclaw Ghost, The Grey Lady. The famed Grey Lady.1. Her name, a legacy. Lady Helena Ravenclaw, Lady Ravenclaw is the daughter of famed Hogwarts co-founder, Rowena Ravenclaw. 2. She never married. Not much of an inspiration to our young ladies, Lady Ravenclaw died unmarried and childless. Due to her notable beauty, this is likely due to her personality. 3. Her common shyness. A majority of our sources have stated that Lady Ravenclaw is a rather shy spirit, and not one for many interactions among students and staff. |
This conflicts greatly with statements from Ravenclaw alumni, that the Grey Lady is helpful and can be rather kind. This leads us here at Witch Weekly to believe that Lady Ravenclaw is quite particular about her company. 4. She has a fascination for transfiguration. Ghosts are typically welcome to appear in classrooms while class is in session, so long as they are not a distraction. Several Hogwarts alumni have claimed that Lady Ravenclaw has taken a fancy to the transfiguration class. Some have even speculated that she is a former animagus. 5. Her mysterious demise None have ever been privileged in the knowledge of the famous former witches demise. Due to her appearance, it doesn't appear to be too unseemly. Perhaps catching a magical illness that had no outward symptoms, or perhaps something as simple as a heart attack. Something uneventful and not worth mentioning. |
October 27, 2020 – 12:31 AM
The Original Fake News
| Flights Of Fancy, Fortune, And Fate! For the unattached lady Halloween is the perfect time to take fate into her own hands, or at the very least to learn more of it. There are many ways, aside from balls and society events, that a lady might try her luck with love on All Hallows' Eve... To test whether the object of your affection feels likewise, place a nut by the grate of a fireplace and utter his name. Watch the nut carefully. If the nut cracks or leaps away from the fire you will know that he does not return your feelings. However, if the nut catches fire then you shall know that the opposite is true and your gentleman's passion burns as brightly for you as that very nut. Hazelnuts are recommended although similar nuts should be equally effective. There is an alternative nut exercise one can try which is more apt for testing friendship. Roast two nuts over the fire, giving name to each. Then observe how they roast; gentle, quiet roasting indicates a solid, happy friendship while the opposite suggests it is a poor match and should be avoided where possible. The behavior of the nuts is also telling of the tempers of the respective individuals they are named for. Halloween dumb cakes are another way to determine your fate as well as being a tasty treat! You must prepare the cake (any plain cake recipe will suffice!) with two or three other girls. After it has been baked a married woman must take charge of it and, without being observed, insert a button, a coin, and a ring. It must then be iced and browned before being served. From the very start of the baking preparations up until the moment that all slices have been eaten and the tokens recovered there must be complete silence. If this silence is not observed it shall not work! The girl whose slice holds the ring will wed first, the coin promises a future of wealth and prosperity, and the girl who finds the button will end her days an old maid. Last but not least is the mirror. There are many variations of this one but this is the one we believe to be most reliable. On Halloween night sit before a looking glass with a lit candle and eat an apple. Keep your eyes on the mirror as you eat. If your Halloween luck is true, the image of your future husband will peer over your shoulder. Alternatively, sit in a darkened room with a window open to allow moonlight in. Position yourself so that the moon can shine directly onto your looking glass and look into it. The number of moons reflected in your mirror will tell you how many instances of good fortune will befall you before the next Halloween. |
 Needless to say any girl who swallows her token is likely in for a year of bad luck. Have you tried this one before? |
October 27, 2020 – 12:31 AM
The Original Fake News
| Why Aren’t They Married Yet? | |
Much is made of our old maids when they cannot find a husband in society, but perhaps they are not entirely to blame. Below are ten of the men who, by all rights, should have made someone a husband by now — but what could possibly be holding these bachelors back? What are they waiting for? Mr. Quincey Honeyduke. At thirty-three, the proprietor of a much-beloved Hogsmeade business may have had some courtship prospects in the past, but none that have truly lasted. Why is that? Most likely: he is too easily distracted. Demand commitment from him.  Mr. Lionel Lupin. A former auror and current Head of the Department of Investigation, Mr. Lupin is securely positioned professionally, of pure blood, and nearing forty. Why then was he not married years ago? Most likely: harbouring a dark secret. Best investigate first.  Mr. Benedict Sterling. A dashing gentleman with a dangerous career, Mr. Sterling was once often seen out in the company of young ladies but, at thirty-eight, appears to have given up on finding a wife. Most likely: his amnesia troubles have made him forget how to talk to women. Better approach him first.  Mr. Felix Prewett. He may have brothers yet unmarried, but with a mother like his and a career hardly going to set him apart, Mr. Prewett’s best chances of doing well for himself are by marrying a charming heiress, sooner rather than later. Most likely: picky. Seduce him with a juicy secret.  Mr. Zachariah Binns. Open-minded and kind-hearted, Mr. Binns has a stable business, a warm demeanour and no marriage prospects at thirty-six. Why can no one worm their way to this bookworm’s heart? Most likely: more interested in men. Appeal to his love of the written word, and try making any romantic overtures by letter. |
 Mr. Emrys Selwyn. Also nearing forty without making any advances towards having a family, Mr. Selwyn owns a shipping business, invests and even hosts occasional parties, but nonetheless keeps himself to himself. Most likely: having a scandalous affair. Blackmail might work wonders.  Mr. August Echelon-Arnost. At thirty-four, it must only be Mr. Echelon-Arnost’s guardedness of his heart keeping him from marrying. Quite the idealist, he would make for a caring husband if one could get him to open up. Most likely: just shy. Make the first move.  Mr. Aldous Crouch. Thirty-five and aided by a cane, Mr. Crouch is surely still a catch, responsible, gentle and just. Most likely: has been forced deep in debt by his brother’s misconduct, and needs a rich young lady to spare the family name. Show that you can take care of him, and lend him some money.  Mr. Gerald Abbott. Only twenty-eight, Auror Mr. Abbott still has time on his side and seems mature in character, but will a debutante ever capture his heart? Most likely: prefers older women. If you are under forty-five, don’t waste your time trying to catch his attention.  Mr. Finnian Byrne. Though he once intended, like some of his family members, to be an Auror, Mr. Byrne did not pass his training and instead became a lawyer. Though he was no prodigy, at thirty-three he seems to have warmed to his career at last but renounced the path of marriage. Most likely: in love with his work. Invent an issue that requires legal assistance and you are sure to gain his interest. |
October 27, 2020 – 12:32 AM
The Original Fake News
| Halloween is a time when it is even more acceptable to be someone other than yourself! | Ask Harmony: Halloween Edition Dear Harmony Aidsworth, I have been recently happily married despite my having already been considered a spinster and just moved into my marital home. But it seems that I am not the only one who has moved in with my new husband. For a beau I had in my youth that died on the Hogsmeade Trail has also taken up residence! All these years, I had no idea that he had become a ghost and he seems to be very offended about my having moved on. Even admitting to having driven off past suitors! What can I do to be rid of him? He is being quite inconvenient and driving a wedge between myself and my new husband. Sincerely, Haunted in Hogsmeade Dear Haunted in Hogsmeade, I think you might have a better luck at getting rid of that ghost by contacting the Spirit division of the Ministry of Magic if words and pleas have failed thus far. Once he is gone, you can explain things to your husband if you have not already. Focus on your new husbands needs and perhaps seeing how devoted you are to your living love, the ghost will leave on his own if you are adverse to involving the proper authorities. Sincerely, Miss Harmony Aidsworth Dear Harmony Aidsworth, I am not a confident witch as anyone who knows me might be able to tell you. However, there is a man that I have my eyes set on. I think he could like me if I were to be just the smallest bit more bold. I have been considering wearing a costume that really draws the eye. My sister says the color is not the sort I usually wear and thus should not be seen in but I personally thought I looked well enough. Should I listen to my sister or sieze this small moment of confidence? Sincerely, Insecure Witch Dear Insecure Witch, Halloween is a time when any color can be a color you are seen in so long as it is not gaudy. I would say that you should sieze this moment with both hands. Even if nothing were to come of it, at least you would know that you tried. And if all else fails, you could always give yourself a spritz of scent to draw the young mans senses. But take care not to use so much that you end up smelling like a fallen woman. Sincerely, Miss Harmony Aidsworth |
October 27, 2020 – 12:32 AM
The Original Fake News
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