Issue #173 - The April Fools Edition
April 1, 2018 – 2:24 PM
The Original Fake News
April 1, 2018 – 2:25 PM
The Original Fake News
| Matches We'd Like to See In 1888! What's in a happy marriage? Mutual attraction? Harmonious personalities? Financial gain for both man and wife? Most sensible individuals would argue that it's a mixture of all three factors rather than single, which makes it all the more amazing that countless individuals are able to settle into their happy matches for life every year! Today, we at Witch Weekly will be trying our hand at the good, old-fashioned game of matchmaking! Roman Crouch and Tatiana Lestrange With both hailing from respectable, pure-blooded families comparable in terms of political views, it's likely that Mr. Crouch and Miss Lestrange could find common ground on something! Both were orphaned (for all intents and purposes) before they reached their prime, and both have a particular pesky relative that have caused them troubles! It's rumored that conflict between Mr. Crouch and his younger brother, Reuben Crouch, played a massive part in his failed ministerial bid, while it's obvious Miss Lestrange only managed to maintain respectable status following her father's destructive rampage due to her family's massive influence both on the social scene and in politics! Reuben Crouch and Bella Scrimgeour Mirroring the above entry, Mr. Crouch and Miss Scrimgeour could definitely find common ground on something — both are known embarrassments to their family! We may not even need to suggest this match for it to become a reality; the duo were spotted drunk together at the Celtic Fair. Both were Gryffindors during their time at Hogwarts, and both defied their family expectations: Miss Scrimgeour by taking a job at St. Mungo's, and Mr. Crouch by being incapable of finding a respectable job! While the match may not be completely ideal in the eyes of their families (imagine the children born from that union), it's probably the best either can get with their reputations! Ari Fisk and Gemma Simpson Sometimes, similar personalities are what make a match; other times, though, they make break them! Miss Simpson is best known for her free spirit (and often her clumsiness if one is to remember the Coming Out Ball in 1886!), and Mr. Fisk is known for rather, well, the opposite! Perhaps he would be the perfect type of gentleman to bring stability into his life, and she a bit of liveliness! We're confident that the duo would have the perfect medium to meet — Miss Simpson attended school with Mr. Fisk's sister, Miss Zelda Fisk! Balthazar Urquart and Una Walsh While seeming like an unlikely match at first, the pairing quickly begins to make sense when unraveling their backgrounds! Miss Topaz Urquart, the daughter of Mr. Urquart (who quite obviously ruined his career!) suffers from lycanthropy, and Miss Walsh has a background in both magizoology and healing! Perhaps she could be the one to discover a curse for both his lonely heart and his daughter's "issue". Wishful Thinking Matches These matches may not really be in the best interest of the individuals or their families, but they'd sure be entertaining to watch and ponder on from afar! Richard Gladstone and Nathalie Jennings Marrying your superior is likely not the best solution to your marriage woes, but we can still dream! After suffering a mournful ending to a courtship an and embarrassing end to an engagement, who better than the kind and humble Mr. Gladstone to soothe a poor woman's heart? If only she came from wealth she might have a chance, but there's not telling whether Mr. Gladstone, an heir in his own right, would take issue with that! Barnabas Skeeter and Maeve Connolly An awful match through and through, but would definitely make for interesting coverage! Imagine: the harrowing love story between the accused misogynist and the female auror! |
 Miss Tatiana Lestrange — daughter of a murderer, not that most are inclined to remember that. Mr. Roman Crouch — a charming politician with a troublesome brother that clouds his glory! Miss Nathalie Jennings — a woman whose romantic endeavors have never brought her a happy ending! Mr. Richard Gladstone — wealthy bachelor, and the remedy to a broken heart? |
April 1, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
Intellectual, slightly eccentric but good intentioned man of the middle class is seeking a companion for life. Must be of an intelligent nature and enjoy intellectual pursuits. Appearance is not important but an active, curious mind very much is. Young middle class woman from a respectable family seeks adventure and travel to broaden her horizons. A husband with like interests and the funds to travel abroad wanted. Well read and intelligent with a big smile and sweet disposition await, ready for a grand adventure! Recently-debuted woman from wealthy family in search of a husband with a similar disdain for this godforsaken magazine. Preferably the sort that is open-minded, nonjudgmental, and holds progressive values. Must have no issue with his wife pursuing a career, though he can be assured it's no masculine occupation! Stiff, snobbish men need not apply! Young man of good income, established Ministry career, impeccable reputation and excellent family seeking |
excitement and romance with a woman who is confident, outspoken, and spontaneous who can teach him how to find joy in life. Very little meaningful experience with the fairer sex, so an ideal candidate would feel comfortable making arrangements for first meeting and talking the lead in conversation. The lady need not be conventionally attractive or even particularly young should she have the necessary personality and experience. Please write at once; life has become desperately lonely without you. Recently featured as a most eligible healer, a lady of good reputation, feminine curves and a pretty face is wanted! Intelligence not a must so long as you aren't awful to look at. Also more than willing to listen to idle chatter as long as your breath is not rancid. Hoping to finally find a woman to love that can handle a busy healer schedule but still appreciate all I can offer! A refined and virtuous lady of aristocratic bearing is in want of a respectable gentleman worthy of her lineage and many merits. Although a more mature lady, time has not sullied her handsome features and her purity |
is beyond question. A wealthy and respected widower of middling age or older with children is preferable, though not mandatory. Her illustrious family name highly recommends her to any pureblooded gentleman of fortune and quality. Creative, fashionable young lady of the middle class seeks a kind man to share life with. A bonus would be if they are tall as well as young lady in question stands at 5 feet, 8 and a half inches but is otherwise pretty. Aging woman with a long history of failed romances seeks dependable, respectable widower for briefest possible engagement. Experience has taught me that I cannot be trusted with a romance of any length, but believe I would make an admirable mother to a set of existing children should I be given the opportunity to marry. The ideal gentleman should have established tastes for which he seeks no companionship from a wife, and live a quiet life in which hostessing and other social duties will not be expected of his potential bride as I have very little satisfactory experience in such matters. If you need to remarry for the sake of your children but are looking for nothing else in a future wife, please consider this offer. |
| Happiness is just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Lonely Hearts, Witch Weekly. | ||
April 1, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
| 4 Scandals Our Seers Have Predicted For This Season | |
| The items below haven't actually happened... yet. Our highly reliable divination team has predicted that they are imminent, however, so stay tuned for more detailed coverage whenever they do occur! Each of these has the potential to be the talk of the town, but don't forget you heard it here first! Howell Merrick Revealed To Be Married — Twice!  Mr. Merrick, whom readers will remember as one of our bachelors to avoid from last week's issue, may not be a bachelor after all. We believe some dramatic revelations are in store for this gentleman of leisure — more than one, in fact! After his first wife comes to light (with, we believe, probably several children), the press attention will cause his second — bigamously married, though of course she doesn't know that yet — to come forward. The resulting struggle between the two women and their offspring will likely fill the scandal section of the paper for months! Ministry Falls Prey To Veela Without delving too much into the political realm, all of our well-bred readers are doubtless already aware of the recent changes to the laws concerning how non-humans and humans interact (particularly the marriage ban). Followers of current events have likely already surmised that more changes are on the way following the attack on Mr. Albert Pettigrew in London this month. What no one has foreseen, prior to this article, is the response these new laws will solicit from the veela themselves — a hoard of them will descend upon the Ministry in protest, sending the entirety of wizarding Britain into chaos while the handful of working women in the government attempt to set things back to rights. At least two high-ranking Ministry officials are set to fall prey to the wicked creatures' charms, though we cannot yet tell exactly who! Hopefully the Minister himself is spared such an awful embarrassment! |
 Elladora Black's Sudden Convalescence This one may be a bit hard to spot when it occurs, as the spinster sister of Headmaster Phineas Black is hardly known for being a social butterfly in her normal day-to-day life. We can foresee, however, that she will become much more reclusive at some point in the coming year — in a way that prevents her stomach from being seen for several months, if you can believe it! While the absence will most likely be disguised as an illness or a trip abroad, our loyal readers will already know the truth of the matter. Of course, after what was revealed about her affinity for a certain gentleman earlier this year, can anyone truly claim to be surprised? Van Helsings Murder Pale Woman Mistaken For Vampire  The Van Helsings' "family business" has been the subject of much speculation in the realm of what is morally and legally permissible, but this social season the boundaries will be pushed to their limit when one of the Van Helsing girls will murder, in full view of the public, a wealthy socialite. The exact details of whom are not yet known, but our diviners have determined that the woman's gaunt complexion will be the primary defense used by the Van Helsings, who will have claim she had recently become a vampire. The resulting argument between the Van Helsings and the victim's family over whether or not the victim was, in fact, human, will bog down the courts for weeks and presented the Crime of the Century trial to follow — or at the very least, the criminal court drama of the year. |
April 1, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
 A depiction of what the chest may look like if you find it!  Mr. Marcus Lytton. Founder of the exploding dress. | Hidden Treasure, Free Treats, and Exploding Dresses. Oh my! Upon venturing through Padmore Park, our reporters noticed quite an odd sight - a man had been digging in the dirt. Approximately thirty minutes after observing the individual, he was approached and questioned. "My grandmother buried a chest somewhere in the park prior to her passing," he told Witch Weekly, "...and I have to find it! Jewels, her riches, everything was stored in there!" The man immediately returned to frantically digging, throwing flower upon flower onto the path of those casually walking by. Since speaking to him, reporters have noted that a fair few additional people have joined in on the search, hoping to encounter unimaginable wealth with ease. Will you be the next lady to go from rags to riches? Head over to Padmore Park to test your luck! If a hunt for hidden treasure isn't something you'd like to engage in, perhaps you'd care to satiate your sweet tooth by venturing to Honeyduke's for a very special offer! Mr. Quincey Honeyduke, proprietor of the business, has revealed to Witch Weekly that if our readers venture within his shop and ask for "Mr. Beautiful McSweet", they will receive an assortment of goodies for free! That's right, free! Have you ever wondered what it would feel like to have one of your garments suddenly explode while you are wearing it? Well you may not have to wonder anymore, for the recent line of dresses produced by the House of Lytton have been reported to be doing just that! One poor victim approached Witch Weekly columnists to confess that her dress was, in fact, engulfed in flames and blew in to a puff of smoke in a matter of seconds! She was covered in soot, her hair was a mess, and what's worse is that she was left exposed during a casual outing! Do you want to face the same fate? I think not! Steer clear of these dresses if you want to remain clothed and unscathed in the near future! |  Mr. Quincey Honeyduke -- or should we say, Mr. Beautiful McSweet?  This may be what your dress could look like on fire! |
April 1, 2018 – 2:26 PM
The Original Fake News
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