Issue #223 - The Secret Scandal of the St. Mungo's Charity Catastrophe
December 23, 2019 – 3:51 AM
The Original Fake News
December 23, 2019 – 3:51 AM
The Original Fake News
| How to Celebrate Christmas Like a Muggle! If there's one thing the muggle and magical world have in common, it's their unending love for the holiday season! Wreaths are hung up on doors to muggle and magical households alike, and both muggle and magical children race down the stairs on Christmas morning to see what gifts they've been given. This year, we at Witch Weekly are issuing a challenge: celebrate the muggle way—just this once! To help, we're offering a list of suggested ways to celebrate without lifting a wand! 1. Decorate without magic! That means hanging your ornaments and stockings with magic. Before you complain that doing things by hand makes everything look uneven, let us remind you that doing things by hand can give your abode a warm and homey feel that magic cannot! 2. Bake some cookies. Even if you can afford a cook in your home, don't shy away from bringing the children into the kitchen to have some fun with flour and frosting. We guarantee the best of memories will be made! 3. Go ice skating the natural way. Ice skating rinks created by magic almost always feel inauthentic in some way or another. Sometimes the ice is too thin, and sometimes skates glide a little too smoothly. Instead of forging your own home ice skating rink, we suggest finding the nearest frozen river and try your best not to break the ice! 4. Create your own Christmas cards! Put away the wands and the duplication charms and compose every individual letter with the love and gratitude that the Christmas season's meant to represent! Let your children write a few to show off their developing penmanship, too—and don't correct their errors! 5. Wrap your own gifts. As easy as magic makes present-wrapping, we challenge you to try and wrap your gifts by hand! It may be frustrating and you may waste a few sheets of paper, but we guarantee you'll have a newfound appreciation of the muggle way. Send us stories of your muggle-worthy moments for the next edition of Witch Weekly! |
December 23, 2019 – 3:51 AM
The Original Fake News
| 10 Facts About Roslyn Ross The Minister of Magic is a pretty powerful person in our society and has been featured in many publications. The same can not quite be said for his wife so here are ten facts about the woman behind the man: Roslyn Ross. It is a great feat to be the wife of a powerfully political man and you can't get much higher than the Minister of Magic himself!  The enchanting wife of our Minister of Magic
1. She is from the large Fisk family!Mrs. Ross has nine siblings, all of whom appear to have had varying levels of success. One of her many siblings is the cursebreaker turned novelist, Julian Fisk, who is an eligible bachelor! 2. She has two children. With such a fertile mother, one might have expected Mrs. Ross to bless her husband with a large family. Instead, she seems to not have inherited this trait from her mother as they have only had two children that are several years apart in age. 3. She met Mister Ross at her coming out! Mrs Ross did not have to wait long after her graduating to marry - she met Mister Ross at her coming out! From all accounts, it appears to also have been a love match. 4. She enjoys Herbology and Gardening. Many school chums of Mrs Ross have stated that she was known for often making use of the greenhouses, even outside of school work. A hobby she keeps up to this day as she has sometimes been seen attending flower shows! 5. She is Jewish. The Fisk family are known to be one of the largest Jewish families in Hogsmeade. 6. She was a Hufflepuff in school and graduated in 1877. Two traits of Hufflepuff house are loyalty and being hardworking. Great traits for the wife of such a powerful man to have! 7. Her wand wood is made of Hazel. People with hazel wands are said to understand the feelings of others, a great trait for a woman in such a high position in society. 8. She has hosted very few events. Since her husband became Minister of Magic, one might expect for his wife to have hosted an abundance of social events but this has not been the case. 9. She has participated in potion brewing competitions. In the past, Mrs. Ross has participated in potion brewing competitions but as far as we can tell, never advanced very far in rounds. 10. Before her husband became Minister, Mrs. Ross seems to have lived a reasonably quiet life. Not much is publicly known of Mrs. Ross and she appears to have involved herself very little in society life. |
December 23, 2019 – 3:52 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Secret Scandal of the St. Mungo's Charity Catastrophe If you weren't at the St. Mungo's Charity Candle Lighting event on December 19th, you likely don't know exactly what took place. In fact, even if you were there, you likely don't know, as everyone involved in the incident — which indisputably left four bystanders dead and filled the injury wards of St. Mungo's immediately following — has been utterly wiped from the minds of all who witnessed the events. So what happened at the Ministry? A pervasive rumor has been circulating that the catastrophe had something to do with an attempted break-in at the Department of Mysteries. This was reported by the Daily Prophet immediately following the event and has been cited as just cause for the alteration of memories related to the incident. The truth, however, is not quite so mundane — it is, in fact, something far more sinister, and while it almost certainly did involve the Department of Mysteries, it was not so much an attempted break-in but rather a successful break-out. Disgraced former Minister of Magic Balthazar Urquart took the position of Head of the Department of Mysteries this spring, after spending some time living in obscurity with his now infamous daughter, werewolf Topaz Urquart. While some might have seen this move as a bid to return to normalcy after the upheaval of the previous several years, Mr. Urquart's motives were far from mundane: he sought to use the resources of the Ministry, and the Department of Mysteries in particular, to cure his daughter's affliction. Due to the secretive nature of the Department of Mysteries we do not have details on precisely what type of experiments this lead to, or what progress has been made — but sources close to the Ministry have indicated to our reporters that the Department of Mysteries may have, in a misguided attempt to maximize their potential to experiment with a cure, created a group of werewolves who transform not two or three times a month, but repeatedly. It was this unfortunate group of test subjects who, tired of their constant exploitation in the name of progress, broke out of the Department and unleashed chaos on the Ministry. Why the memory wipes, then? Clearly, Mr. Urquart's friendship with current Minister Justin Ross is not without its perks. Knowing that the public would be rightly outraged to hear how the Department of Mysteries has been spending it's resources lately, the Minister ordered the event removed from the minds of the victims, and our sources imply that the details of the event may have been altered even for Ministry personnel who were allowed to maintain their memories, essentially resetting knowledge of these vile experiments. The question that remains to be answered: will any of the countless injured become afflicted with lycanthropy themselves? Because we cannot know the details of what was done to this group of wolves between their acquisition in spring and their breakout in December, it's impossible to say for certain. The symptoms, if they do appear, may occur at any point, even months in the future (remember, the transformations of the offending werewolves were no longer connected to the full moon). Our advise to readers who were injured in the chaos is to watch careful for any sign of affliction and work closely with a healer to stave off the effects as long as possible — and our advice to everyone else, if someone you know was affected by this catastrophe, is to keep a safe distance away from them until their status as a healthy, normal human being is confirmed. |
 A photograph of Miss Topaz Urquart, werewolf; this teenage girl allegedly inspired her father to commit atrocious experiments in search of a cure for lycanthropy. An artist's rendition of what this new breed of 'wolfman' may look like — transitioning between human, wolf, and sometimes to stages in between. |
December 23, 2019 – 3:52 AM
The Original Fake News
You were working two days ago at a wizarding inn. You probably shouldn’t be working there, really, because you spilled soup in my lap. I left too quickly to tell you that I forgive you, and in fact would like to see you again. If you are so inclined, you may find me at The Leaky Cauldron in the evenings, wearing a blue coat. I’ll make a joke and spill my drink on you, we’ll call ourselves even, and then be great friends. To the dark-haired wizard doing his Christmas shopping at Flourish & Blotts who took the last copy of Miss Isolde Bennett’s most recent book from the shelf before I could get to it: I do not despise you for it, for you have wonderful literary taste, and I only pray it was not a gift for your sweetheart. If his sister receives this gift or someone knows a man such as he, please inform him the girl in the yellow scarf is waiting to be his heroine. |
We have met many a time before, and do not get along even a little bit. I am horrible to your face, and make fun of you to everyone I know, but I cannot hold it in any longer: I do not hate you at all. I love you. Be mine. Send me an owl anytime. There has been a goose loose on the streets of Irvingly all week terrorising the place monstrously. It has now stolen my house keys, and a slipper, and trampled through all the gardens. The neighbours are blaming me! Be warned: if you do not rescue your goose I shall roast him and eat him for Christmas dinner. I overheard you singing Silent Night to yourself and oh! A hundred choirs could not be as beautiful as you. I did not wish to interrupt, but I hid around the corner and listened for as long as I dared. If only I could find your face in the streets now! Please come a-caroling in Bartonburg — I will be listening, and would know your voice anywhere. | We were once close, and are no longer — but I thought I saw you at the Christmas stalls in the park drinking mulled wine. Our eyes met, but I did not have the courage to come talk to you as you were surrounded by your friends, and we both know they would not like me. Tell me you like me still. I bought something for you at the stalls but will only send it if you write to me first. After the disaster at the candle-lighting, you came to the hospital with horrendous scars all over you. You are much recovered now, but I am still suffering: I can’t get you out of my mind. Please visit my ward at St. Mungo’s once more to repair my injuries and reintroduce yourself. (I work on Thursdays.) |
| There's no such thing as the One That Got Away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Missed Connections, Witch Weekly. | ||
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