Issue #199 - Matchmaking Mayhem
September 30, 2018 – 3:48 PM
The Original Fake News
September 30, 2018 – 3:49 PM
The Original Fake News
| How to Cure Your Beau's Baldness One of the unfortunate side effects of the typical age gap which one expects in polite society - we must wait for men to mature, after all - is that sometimes you start to become involved with a man just as his hair starts to thin. Luckily, there are cures to this agony, and you can preserve his hairline long enough that he will not look ridiculous at the wedding! One may argue that if you truly love a man, it's fine if he's bald. This is untrue. Bald men are petty and over-concerned with their appearances - would you rather your spouse be concerned for your outfit, or you? Do you want your sons to be worried about their appearances their whole lives? Or worse - what if your daughters hair starts to thin? With these three methods, you can save your marriage: 1. Rub an onion on his head. The fluids from the onion will help hair thickness and health. 2. Order a potion from Serious Steve's Hair Growing Emporium, and put it in his drinks before he tries it. (Ed. note: this potion has not been approved by the Ministry of Magic. Side effects include a green scalp, but it will be a very hairy one. If you're serious about your relationship with this man, you won't balk at the risk.) 3. Let tea go cold, and rub it into his head with lemon slices. Again, the fluids encourage follicle health. Good luck, ladies! |
September 30, 2018 – 3:49 PM
The Original Fake News
| Simple Dieting for the Everyday Woman Achieving, and maintaining, overall peak health can be a difficult task for the modern woman. Between balancing the household, the children, and the entire family, there may be little room to take a look at yourself and truly visualize what you could be if you were to embrace a healthier lifestyle. For some, it may seem an impossible task. For others, not one that appears practical. However, after reading through this article, you will realize that such simple options can be implemented into your daily routine to establish a new, affordable and easy way to increase your longevity and health. Let us start by discussing the morning. The time where the sun casts its rays upon us as we make our way out of our bed chambers to greet the family. It can be pleasant for some, awful for others, and present more of a neutral feeling for the rest. Regardless of which category you fall under, your morning routine will affect how your day progresses. As a result, you should take care of basic necessities and start off by adapting to what has been deemed a “peasants diet”. For most living in the city, you may find that obtaining fresh ingredients, fruits and vegetables to be rather cumbersome. As a result, your health will decline. Make sure you are visiting the market daily to stock up on standard breakfast foods and don’t be afraid to spend all of the money you are allowed to possess on these ingredients. After all, it is your family you are trying to help survive, so what better excuse could you have? Approaching midday, you may find yourself feeling a bit hungry. It is suggested that you find space to store several portable items to have on the go so you may secretly eat them when on an outing or wherever you end up in public. One obvious choice is a satchel or handbag, though for some these items aren’t the best option. What you may do is sew a pocket onto the inner lining of your dress, unnoticeable by the naked eye, so you may store your food supplies in a safe place to grab when no one is looking. Some great snacks include fresh fruits, vegetables, sandwiches, cold meats, and a container of tea if you are so bold. These items are great for the children too and may aid you in preventing a tantrum. Skipping a meal midday is suggested to maintain a healthy weight. Instead, use the above method to quell your appetite or simply do not eat at all. Once it is time for dinner, you must go all out. Depriving your family of a well rounded meal at the end of the day will ensure they have night terrors and future attachment issues. Thus, take time to create a meal worthy of the most pristine of individuals. Large portions of meats, preferably a roast, vegetables and a starch should be provided on each plate. Without these items, you cannot claim you have completed the task of making dinner, nor can you confidently state that you have done all you can to ensure your family’s wellbeing. If you are so inclined to prepare a dessert as well, you may want to use light ingredients or even prepare bowls of fruit to substitute any fattening ingredients. We don’t think highly of desserts to watch your health, but some tend to indulge. We hope that you adhere to this advice moving forward to assist your family in becoming a healthier whole. You are the backbone of the household, whether you are told directly or otherwise, so uphold this position with pride and provide your family the nutrition they need to become healthy and wise individuals in our society. If you have any health tips of your own, don’t hesitate to submit them to Witch Weekly where you may find them published in a future article! |
 Potatoes follow the "peasant diet", so potato croquettes are a great option for any meal! Stewed steak is a great example of a healthy, hearty dinner. Pair with vegetables and more potatoes for the full effect. |
September 30, 2018 – 3:50 PM
The Original Fake News
 Maeve Connolly  Barnabas Skeeter | Matchmaking Mayhem It would appear that love has literally been in the air the past couple of days as someone has taken it upon themselves to send letters to people, effectively pairing them off! No one knows who this hapless matchmaker might be. There is some speculation that it might be Miss Valentine but this reporter feels like this is unlikely as Miss Valentine has previously shown to enjoy the limelight and would no doubt have made herself known as the culprit by now. Many people reported receiving a letter enclosed in a pink envelope and finding themselves overcome with affection for someone, even if they had previously never even met! It isn't currently clear what sorts of things caused this matchmaker to pair people off but it is said that they did not stop at single individuals but, in fact, encouraged blatant adultery in some cases! One man was heard to declare his intentions to elope with a woman he had previously never been seen interacting with before while yet another man fought with a womans husband for the right to whisk her away to marry him instead! The chaos is comparable to the Amortentia Tea Incident that some readers might remember having occurred some years ago. Known cases of the letters include Miss Maeve Connolly and Mister Barnabas Skeeter. Most sources say that the woman would sooner punch the man then kiss him and yet it is said that kissing him is precisely what she did. They disappeared together shortly after and one can only imagine what sort of mischief they got up to! Another suspected case is Miss February Lynch and Mister Edric Umbridge who were seen being way too affectionate for social convention in public areas! Witnesses were scandalized by the behavior, especially with Mister Umbridge being the Head Auror! While the culprit is still unknown to us at this time, the ramifications of their actions are still presenting themselves as people come to their senses. In the future, it might do readers well to not open unsolicited mail and simply toss is into their nearest trash bin lest they find themselves married to their cooks daughter or an unwitting victim of some other silly sort of scheme! |  February Lynch  Edric Umbridge |
September 30, 2018 – 3:50 PM
The Original Fake News
| Slim Your Figure: The Secret Hunger Vanishing Draught Used by Beauties Everywhere They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder - but after you've birthed several children, your husband can't help to notice the extra weight you've put on about the belly and hips. Having your lady's maid lace your corset tightly is one way to combat this, but it is rather uncomfortable, makes breathing difficult and is only temporary. (Note: Healers say that tightlacing corsets is damaging for your internal organs. Do what you must for beauty, ladies!) A much more effective approach is to partake in the Secret Hunger Vanishing Draught that we have recently discovered! Whenever you're feeling the pangs of hunger, take a few sips of the draught and you will feel full as if you'd just eaten a twelve course meal! This will trim your figure quickly and significantly, as you're ingesting less fat inducing foods. Just watch - in a few weeks, you'll need your dresses taken in! You can brew the draught at home, easy enough. Simply boil a large cauldron of water, pop a few mint leaves and a full clove of garlic in, let simmer for an hour and bottle once it cools. Consume at will and get that slim figure from your youth back! |  You can brew the draught in the comfort of your own home! Restore the figure of your youth! |
September 30, 2018 – 3:50 PM
The Original Fake News
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