Issue #230 - Sparks Fly at Lovejoy Party
March 30, 2020 – 1:14 AM
The Original Fake News
March 30, 2020 – 1:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| A Lady's Advice to Attracting the Right Sort of Man It's hard enough being suddenly thrust into society at the delicate age of eighteen; there are so many rules to abide by, names to remember, and places to be. On top of that, young ladies are also expected to secure a husband that will please both her parents while she also must attempt to please his! There are so many gentleman in the world, but much fewer who have been deemed worthy for marriage. How does the young debutante discern the true gentlemen from the rakish ones? The honorable from the selfish? It may not be easy, but there are steps you can take to make it easier! 1. Figure out the right setting. Do you want a kind, generous husband? A charity event or auction is probably the better social event to pursue a gentleman's attention than a business networking event. Men who go to the upscale parties and aspire to outdo his fellow attendees tend to be most attention-seeking and self-centered, and men who seem to have friends at every garden party tend to be more well-liked and sociable. You would not go looking for the life of the party in a library, nor would you seek a level-headed businessman in a frivolous costumed gala! 2. Be the best version of yourself. So many ladies try to attract a gentleman by pretending to be something they're not—and it's the worst way to go about it! We're not suggesting that you show a gentleman all of our flaws early on in an acquaintanceship; no, you merely must present the best version of yourself that you can be. That means being the friendliest you can be even if you are an introvert by nature, and being the most considerate you can be even if you tend to draw a crowd. It's a flawless way to see if you have personalities that mesh well. 3. Compliment him! Don't be too forward, but gentleman love to be told they're better than everyone else. Shower them with attention so they know you have an interest. See how they react; if he's full of himself, he may not be worthy of your time, but a humble soul will surely shine through! Besides, there's nothing worse than devoting your heart to a man only to to find he's got unbearable flaws. If he does prove humble, you might just earn a spot in his heart! 4. Befriend his family! Nobody knows men more than the women in their lives. Do not let them know your intentions and you may find out everything about him and his childhood! There's no better way to solidify your spot in his life than by finding an "in" with his family. If he has sisters around your age, befriend them. If he has older sisters, seek mentorship from them (and perhaps put the idea in their mind that you're a good fit for their brother)! Women of higher status love having young ladies look to them for advice, so capitalize on it! |
March 30, 2020 – 1:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| If You’ve Done More Than 25 Of These, You Won’t Survive The Season... | |
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In your social life, you have... 1. Not returned the visit when someone has called upon you, even if she is the most disagreeable cow you have ever met. 2. Had more than two glasses of champagne at a party. 3. Chosen something stronger than champagne. 4. Spilled a drink on someone. 5. Forgotten to draw on your gloves or fix your hair until you’re in public again. 6. Worn the same, hardly-altered gown that you wore a mere week ago, hoping that none of the guests at this occasion saw you there. 7. Stepped on anyone’s toes. 8. Thought you might dance a third quadrille at one ball with the same gentleman. 9. Decided to dance a fourth with them, and hope everyone just thinks you’re engaged. 10. Made a habit disappearing for ‘fresh air’ and retiring to the balconies, gardens, or private rooms down the hall. 11. Called anyone who is not family or a dear friend of your girlhood by their first name. 12. Forgotten the name of someone to whom you have definitely been introduced. 13. Yawned in public. 14. Used slang in respectable conversation. 15. Sworn in respectable conversation. 16. Uttered a political opinion. 17. Uttered a political opinion in the company of a gentleman. 18. More often frowned than smiled in company. 19. Shared something that was told to you in confidence. 20. Walked with too quick a gait. 21. Gone anywhere alone. 22. Worn your hair down and loose. 23. Lied about your womanly accomplishments. 24. Bullied a lesser young lady into embarrassing herself at the pianoforte. 25. Told anyone you don’t care much for children. 26. Eaten more than either person sitting beside you at the dinner table. 27. Offered encouragement to an eligible man you really have no intention of courting. 28. Ever made the slightest remark about a bachelor’s mother behind her back. 29. Told another young lady that that colour suits her spectacularly, when in truth it is quite displeasing. 30. Or vice versa. |
31. Been unable to sit still in the parlour. 32. Started daydreaming and missed half a conversation. 33. Cared more about winning at a card game than being demure. 34. Cared more about quidditch that the gentleman with whom you are conversing. 35. Absented from another social engagement in order to go watch a quidditch match. 36. Brought a book with you to any social occasion, lest you find the company too dull. 37. Sent out an invitation to any gathering far too late for the recipients to possibly come. 38. Gossiped to your friends. 39. Gossiped to your servants. 40. Gossiped to the shop assistant or acquaintances in the street. 41. Refused to laugh at a remark that was intended to amuse. 42. Laughed at a remark that was not intended to amuse. 43. Pretended you have been to Paris more recently than you have. 44. Had a friend lie for you. 45. Had a maid lie for you. 46. Had a man lie for you. 47. Lost an item of clothing in a public place or party. 48. Debated taking up a career. 49. Considered eloping. 50. Eloped. 0 - 1: You’re a true angel, but that one misstep will haunt you forevermore. 2 - 15: Most of us make mistakes. Try a little harder to be perfect and you’ll survive. 16 - 25: There’s a bad influence somewhere in your life. Cut them out. 26 - 40: Tut, tut, tut. You call yourself eligible? Because no one else does. 41+: Are you sure you’re not part mountain troll? |
March 30, 2020 – 1:14 AM
The Original Fake News
| Sparks Fly at Lovejoy Party — And Not the Romantic Kind | |
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Those who attended Mrs. Ambrosia Lovejoy's otherwise phenomenal party this weekend will likely already be aware of the commotion that was caused when two supposed gentleman broke out into an argument and were nearly engaged in a duel or a bought of fisticuffs in quite the middle of the event. As the guest list for this event was quite exclusive, however, and as even those who attended may not have caught the exact details of the exchange in the chaos and confusion of the moment, we thought it might prove enlightening to describe the events for those who may not have been privy. For many it was a surprise that Mr. Holsten Falk was even in attendance, as he has spent the majority of his adult life away from England pursing a 'career' as either an adventurer, cursebreaker, or aimless drifter, depending on which account one chooses to believe. When he is in the country, he seems to prefer to drink himself silly in places of ill repute rather than attend respectable society events — and it seems clear, from the manners he displayed at Mrs. Lovejoy's, that he would fit in far more readily with that crowd. It will perhaps be unsurprising to our readers, then, to learn that he was nearly engaged in a brawl during the night; what is decidedly less clear is how Mr. Gerard Abbott, an otherwise respectable gentleman and auror, was drawn into the fray beside him.  Mr. Gerard Abbott, an auror and younger brother to noted bachelor William Abbott |
Although Mr. Abbott remains unattached, our sources suspect that there was a lady involved in the confrontation as well. While her identity remains a mystery for the time being, several guests remarked that Mr. Abbott had danced twice with a particular lady that night and had been seen talking to her on more than one occasion, all of which are sure signs of affection. Mr. Falk, according to reports, attempted to cut in with the crude, brash flirtatious nature that one would expect from a man who spends most of his time in the wilderness, doing Merlin knows what. Mr. Holsten Falk, flirtatious rabblerouser and one of five brothers There are mixed reports on how the lady received these advances. One story is that she politely refused to dance with Mr. Falk, who then insulted her honor quite rudely, and Mr. Abbott subsequently stepped up to defend it. A contrary tale is that the supposedly respectable lady actually was quite swayed by this approach (perhaps, as one source indicated, because she had not been nearly as engaged with Mr. Abbott as he had been with her throughout the night), and the way she immediately began fawning over Mr. Falk enraged her former dance partner to the point of taking action. In either case, harsh words were shared between the pair and the interaction seemed on the verge of coming either to blows or spells before two nearby gentleman intervened and diffused the tension. Mrs. Lovejoy was seen discreetly asking both to leave shortly after the almost-altercation. |
March 30, 2020 – 1:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| We here at Witch Weekly value the thoughts and concerns of our readers. Here are but a few letters that we have received from our valued clientele. | Letters From Our Readers Dear The Managers of Witch Weekly I find it frankly disgusting that you encourage young people to seek companionship from anonymous individuals! Setting aside how irresponsible it is to allow young people to seek love for themselves and not have a match sensibly arranged for them by a parent or guardian, there has been more than one muggle woman who used the lonely hearts to her detriment! How quickly this paper forgets Albert Fish and Henri Landru who victimised the sort of muggle woman who utilised the lonely hearts! Although one should be asked, if a girl is foolish enough to answer a letter from a man she doesn’t know perhaps she deserves to be brutally murdered and disposed off in acid. Otherwise a huge fan Kind Regards Mrs E. B Dear Witch Weekly, Following on from your article on should animagi, or indeed women, be allowed to duel - I would agree with your analysis that many young women do not have the emotional maturity to duel, nor the level headedness that comes from years spent in the married state, under the guiding hand of a good husband. I would be very much in favour of a ban on all unmarried women dueling! The young generation of ladies with an interest in such matters has proven themselves to be unfit for the responsibility and privilege Well done on the article, astute as always. Regards Mrs Constance Pridmaster Dear Witch Weekly, While many are excited about the upcoming Quidditch World Cup, I think that we mothers must be vigilant as the date approaches. I can recall at least one young English Rose plucked by the French team when last the Cup was in Irvingly—can we truly afford to have such a thing happen again? Our daughters (even those who are married, I fear!) must be reminded of the difference between what is tempting and what is right and we, if required, must be willing to do whatever it takes to protect their virtue and reputation during these times of temptation. From, Mrs Concerned Mother |
March 30, 2020 – 1:15 AM
The Original Fake News
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