Issue #236 - The Life and Death of Lucille Lukeson
June 21, 2020 – 6:28 PM
The Original Fake News
June 21, 2020 – 6:28 PM
The Original Fake News
| Feminine Quidditch Obsessions & The Startling Common Denominator | |
| Many a family have been startled and concerned as to a sudden interest in quidditch from their young daughters. But what brings about this sudden urge to play such a dangerous sport? Is it the added interaction with young gentlemen? An unhealthy urge to rush into danger? While these may indeed be factors, they may not be the main cause for most ladies who take interest in such activities. But rather, a lack of feminine role models! Miss Sloane Bixby may have a mother whom is alive and well, but the woman's priorities are quite out of sorts. Unlike many women of society - especially mothers! - Mrs. Bixby has made the rash decision to take up employment. This leaves little time to focus on young minds and keep check on a young girl's morals. With such an influence - as well as the men of their family being primarily interested in the sport in some way - what is such a girl inclined to do with her time? An unfortunate case indeed. |
Miss Margaret Darrow was left motherless in 1881. In 1883 was when her Hogwarts quidditch career began. One can clearly see that this is no coincidence. With no mother to guide her in more feminine ways, what is one to expect from Miss Darrow? Miss Cecily Gallivan lost her mother at an even younger age. With only gentlemen remaining in her household, it is no wonder that she fell into the grasp of quidditch during her years at Hogwarts. Some have even said that her unfortunate hobby has continued in a more pedestrian role. While we are glad that Miss Gallivan has put aside flying around like a wild woman, is it too littlle, to late? A simple solution? Keeping maternal figures in the home. Wives, staying home to make sure your children are properly educated has been proven to be quite the career of its own. Widowers, perhaps a female relative of good standing should be more present in these young girl's lives. And when you are ready - and properly out of mourning - you may find a wife to properly fill the maternal role of the house. |
June 21, 2020 – 6:28 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Hawaiian National Team may only be in England for a few days before and after their scheduled Quidditch match, but as we expect some international travel as visitors and spectators accompany them, we decided our readers might benefit from a primer on Hawaiian culture and habits. | What You Should Know About Hawaiians 1. They come from a tiny island kingdom. Although it includes many small islands (at least sixteen, by some counts), the entirety of Hawaii could fit within Great Britain ten times over. As such, the magical and Muggle populations are both much smaller than our own. 2. They might be Americans soon. The Muggle government of the United States has been posturing to try and take control of the islands. Although they still have a king who maintains formal control, there is a strong American presence in their economy and politics, and experts suggest the change may happen within a generation or two. 3. They're really into "surfing." A single-person 'sport' of sorts, "surfing" involves a young man venturing out into a stormy sea with nothing but a flat board for company. They then stand on the board and try to maintain their balance while a wave comes up beneath them and pushes them back towards the shoreline. This strange hobby is popular among Muggles and has even spawned a magical version: broom surfing, in which wizards try to balance on their tiptoes atop a broom while riding wind currents.  What one might expect to find on the beaches of Hawaii - nearly naked men about to engage in perilous sport for no discernible purpose.
4. They hardly ever wear clothes. The image above is hardly the only instance of men trotting around with only their most private areas covered, and by some reports even the women often go entirely bare above the waist. This is partially due to the hot climate in the islands and partially due to their general lack of morality, as a nation. 5. They play tiny guitars. The ukalele (pronounced you-kah-lay-lee) is popular in Hawaii. It looks exactly like a smaller version of a guitar, but with fewer strings. Unfortunately the similarities end there: the music created by this instrument is twangy and most unpleasing to the ears of non-natives. 6. They tend towards wildness. As one might have surmised by their constant state of undress, they are not a well-regulated people and do not tend to do things in moderation. We have heard reports of wild nights of drunken revelry taking place around beach-based bonfires when they have something to celebrate. Hopefully we will have no cause to witness any such spectacles here, as we hope Britain will win the match and give the Hawaiians no reason to celebrate. 7. The Muggles might be more civilized than the wizards in some aspects. Colonization, Christianity, and civility are recent arrivals in Hawaii, and have affected the Muggle population more acutely than the wizarding community in some regards. For instance, Muggle Hawaiians have surnames (after being forced by law to adopt them in 1860; beforehand they presumably just didn't keep track of their own family beyond one generation) while wizarding Hawaiians generally do not, clinging instead to tribalistic tradition. Magical residents are also less likely to have adopted modern practices or religion. |
June 21, 2020 – 6:28 PM
The Original Fake News
| Have you memories of the late Mrs. Lucille Lukeson to share? Write in to us at Witch Weekly! | The Life and Death of Lucille Lukeson It was only days ago that a heartbreaking announcement graced the pages of the Daily Prophet: Mrs. Lucille Lukeson, née Flint, died in the throes of a premature labour. She was twenty-one.  With death, comes new life: the new widower Mr. Ace Lukeson announced the birth of an heir, Ryder Titanus Lukeson. How strange, that these inherited names were chosen to honour family tradition. A sign of remorse and repentance by a most untraditional couple? Lucille Flint’s life was set to be charmed, by all accounts. Born the sole child of the Titanus and Laverna Flint, there is little doubt that the young Miss Flint was doted on in childhood and grew up to be a pretty, kind, romantic creature with all the wealth, good name and connections anyone could wish for. Who then would have predicted such a tragic end? There was perhaps a forewarning of this unravelling in her family connections, when some of her more ignominious relatives reared their heads. After all, our readers are all too familiar with the lurid life story of Annabelle Scrimgeour. Not long later, when society saw a rash of well-bred young ladies eloping, Miss Flint was among them, choosing to leave her intended - a respectable man, chosen by her family - before the altar for a... less than desirable option: a former classmate her own age, Mr. Ace Lukeson. For a girl referred to - fondly, we presume? - as ‘Lu-silly’ by old friends, perhaps it was the downfall of a young lady’s good nature: too made of tenderness, prone to flights of fancy, and far too easily led. To make matters worse, society saw little sign that she understood the ramifications of her mistake; even in the wake of it, reportedly she continued to find herself on close terms with controversial cousins and other social outcasts, such as the similarly tragic figure of Mrs. Melody Crouch. But had the truth of her life’s tragedy finally begun to dawn on Mrs. Lukeson behind closed doors? It is not difficult to imagine that the confinement of a pregnancy might have illustrated to her the scale of her isolation. Mr. Ace Lukeson hardly seems to have been the model of a husband she might have hoped for, and her chosen path certainly not the easiest... Perhaps Mrs. Lukeson was realising that this was not the happily-ever-after she had hoped for. Are we saying that this premature death was punishment, or perhaps a mercy? We would not dream of drawing such grand conclusions. But, while we pity the tragic turns of a young lady’s life, we must also now save our pity for the innocent child she has left behind, whose mother’s mistakes will be a spectre upon him until death. One must hope he does not also have his father’s hair. |
June 21, 2020 – 6:29 PM
The Original Fake News
| Do you have an opinion on one of our past articles that you wish to have expressed? Send it in and it may just get featured! | Letters From Our Readers! Dear Witch Weekly I very much have taken offense to your article on the latest debutantes that have come out into society. Just because one's father seemed to have made the terrible choice to go to bed with a vampire does not make the young woman any more terrible than any other. I personally think she might have better prospects than Sweetie Whitledge who was terrible to me during our time in school together whilst Miss Ruskin was very much a sweetheart. Perhaps a man that would enjoy a sweet-tempered wife would find Miss Ruskin a wonderful husband. If my brother weren't such a bore, I would set them up myself! Sincerely, An Unprejudiced Socialite Dear Witch Weekly, Thanks to your Spinster quiz, I have decided to embrace my destiny despite being quite young. I have had many suitors but have thought them to all be terrible bores or else not suitable to my preferences. Instead, I have chosen to move into a home with my best friend from Hogwarts and live out our spinster lives together making hats. Thank you so much for opening up my eyes to my destined path. Sincerely, Happy Spinster Dear Witch Weekly I can hardly believe what I have read in your May 10th edition! I will be cancelling my subscription and urging all those in my knitting circle to the same! Flashing ankles is the first step to finding ones self with child. All of you should be ashamed of yourself for advocating for young women to flash their ankles to catch a man. Believe you me, men captured by such means are only those that wish a wife for a harlot! Sincerely, Mama Knows Best |
June 21, 2020 – 6:29 PM
The Original Fake News
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