Issue #231 - Disastrous Grand Opening in Hogsmeade
April 12, 2020 – 5:14 AM
The Original Fake News
April 12, 2020 – 5:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| The Every-Dress for Every Debutante! How many ballgowns does a lady need? Only one, according to our beloved fashion designer, Marcus Lytton. He invited Witch Weekly to his London atelier to show us his newest creation: a metamorphic dress! It works in this way: it is a simple ballgown, the one depicted in the picture to the right. When you tap on it with your wand thrice, you can instruct it to take a certain style. For example, say that you are invited to a flower themed party. You could tell it something like, "I am invited to a flower themed party, I need you to look the part!" When Mr. Lytton demonstrated this example to us, the dress turned a nice, soft pink and silk roses appeared on the neckline. "The more information you give, the closer it will look to what you want," explained Mr. Lytton. For example, if you want to attend the party with a sunflower dress, you'd need to ask specifically for a sunflower dress, rather than just state that you want something floral. "I designed this dress having in mind those women who can't afford to have a billion dresses, one for any occasion that they might be invited," explained Mr. Lytton. After all, the success of the House of Lytton has made him so wealthy, that one forgets his more humble beginnings. It would make sense that he has a sympathy for those less fortunate ladies, who can only afford their older sister's hand-me-down. "But it is certainly not a poor lady's dress." Mr. Lytton was quick to correct us. "It is a solution for those ladies who don't want to worry too much about what they have to wear. I have many clients who come to me and say "I need something for a midnight themed party." and they have no interest to join me in the creative process. With this new dress, you can spare having to visit me." You can also tell the dress something like, "I need a colour that looks good on me." which would be a life saver for those ladies who don't have a good eye for colours! Now, one might think that Mr. Lytton will soon go out of business with this dress. Well, he is a clever businessman as well as a creative man! First of all, the dress's shape won't change in any way. For example, you can't change the shape of its sleeves or its skirt. The only thing changing will be its colour and the appearance and disappearance of small decorative details, like embroidery. The dress' magic also fades the more you use it and in order to maintain it, you will need to wash the garment with a special potion sold only at Lytton's! Mr. Lytton didn't think it prudent to talk money matters in this interview, but we can tell you that the price for a bottle of this potion is about what you'd pay a lesser seamstress to sow you a dress. So it is still something affordable, but only if you didn't purchase it every two weeks! According to Mr. Lytton, each dress needs a "refuel" with every five or six transformation. So, if a lady attends a party only twice per month, she would only need to purchase this potion every two or three months! We at Witch Weekly wish Mr. Lytton great success! |
 The new ballgown in question looks fairly simple until you tap it with your wand! |
April 12, 2020 – 5:15 AM
The Original Fake News
| 5 Female Quidditch Players Who Ought to Know When to Quit Most of our readers would doubtless prefer to forget about the women who insist on forcing themselves into Quidditch on a daily basis, but the recent Quidditch World Cup tryouts have driven them to the forefront for many. Here is a brief selection of women who really ought to move on to some other, more appropriate hobby: Desdemona Pettigrew Mrs. Pettigrew played professional Quidditch from 1881 to 1888, when a long anticipated pregnancy forced her into retirement from the sport and she finally forsook the unladylike hobby for domestic life — or so we thought, until she jumped into the role of Coach for the Holyhead Harpies earlier this year, and then tried for a spot on the Quidditch World Cup team battling against both her own players and her husband for the privilege. It is no surprise to anyone who follows the sport that she did not make the cut, and frankly everyone is of the opinion that she has embarrassed herself a good deal with such a desperate attempt to cling to something that she was only arguably good at in the first place. Married life really must not suit her well, if she is so desperate to make a fool of herself trying to reclaim what little Quidditch glory she once had. Maggie Darrow Ms. Darrow has devoted three of the best years of her life to the Holyhead Harpies, and has now a position on the second-string of the Quidditch World Cup for her troubles. The problem is that Ms. Darrow really has no excuse; she comes from a family with plenty of respectable role models, including her father, the Deputy Headmaster of Hogwarts. She even has a sister of a similar age whose character is beyond reproach (and certainly must mourn how her prospects are impacted by her sister's strange obsession with this sport!) Augusta Robins A professional player for ten years running, Ms. Robins will also represent Britain in the World Cup this season. Although far from the only female player to try out, she is the only one to be granted a position, leading our reporters to wonder if there was some sort of pity-quota for which she might have qualified. The lack of female representation means that women are obviously not as qualified for this highly physical and demanding sport as men are (which should come as no surprise to anyone familiar with basic anatomy; women are called the fairer sex for a reason, after all), and Ms. Robins' inclusion on the first string will doubtless make the British team all the worse. Women like Ms. Robins ought to be ashamed of themselves for forcing their place in a sport which was never designed to include them, and ruining everyone's good fun — and now, potentially, our chance at the World Cup — in the process. Citrine Weasley A current sixth year Hogwarts student, Miss Weasley is the Captain of her house team. While many of our readers may see no harm to letting girls play Quidditch at Hogwarts, Miss Weasley also decided to try out for the Quidditch World Cup team — and if she had made the cut, she would have been expected to drop out of school immediately, and forego her last year of Hogwarts, nevermind a debut! What her parents were thinking allowing her to participate is, frankly, beyond reconciliation. Since she has definitely not been chosen for the World Cup, Miss Weasley ought to cut her losses and find something respectable to do with her life — while she still can. Sloane Bixby An unlikely selection for a feature in our magazine, Miss Bixby is still a third-year student at Hogwarts. That being said, she has much to recommend her towards a life of bludger-bruises and disappointment, as she comes from a family of Quidditch players and broom makers, and plays on the team herself. Given rumors that Miss Bixby is also a metamorphamagus, it seems nearly impossible that she might even try for a respectable society life, but if any of her friends or family would like to keep her from the road to ruin, it is imperative that intervention be swift: Miss Bixby must give up Quidditch at once. |
 Mrs. Pettigrew, disinterested wife and mother Ms. Augusta Robins One of the many faces of metamorphamagus Sloane Bixby |
April 12, 2020 – 5:15 AM
The Original Fake News
 Does Miss Scamander have closeted rage issues? Or was it truly an accident?  Miss Cecily Gallivan, unlucky debutante. | Disasterous Grand Opening in Hogsmeade Many residents in Hogsmeade - and various other notable society members - may recall an announcement for a grand opening of a new shop on High Street. Curiously named A Collector's Playhouse, one might assume that the intended merchandise would be that of antiques or other such unique items. One might even have wondered if it could have eventually become a leading competitor with Heavenly Antiques, located in London, England. After the events of the grand opening, however, things may be heading in a very different direction for the owner. For those unsuspecting potential customers, things had apparently gone quite wrong from the moment they entered the door. Odd clues in order to escape were scattered around a small, hot room that was supposedly the entire store. Troubling enough as that sounds, it shockingly becomes worse from there! Sources claim that - while searching for ways to leave the room - Miss Helga Scamander had found an axe, ultimately leading to the injury of both herself and Miss Cecily Gallivan. Even with two Ministry personnel being present. It remains unclear if Miss Gallivan shall be pressing assault charges against Miss Scamander. After finally finding the answers to these morbid riddles, the unfortunate group found themselves face to face with the owner, Mr. Gareth Collins. Mr. Collins promptly - and, on a disturbing note, joyfully - claimed responsibility for this incident. When questioned further, Mr. Collins has stuck by his story and claims that it was all an illusion, meant to be seen as entertainment for potential new customers. All wounds did disappear as soon as Miss Scamander and Miss Gallivan were no longer in the building. Here at Witch Weekly, we feel that we are not the only ones that agree that this business is unlikely to find many - if any - customers moving forward. |  Mrs. Melody Crouch, is she truly a reliable witness?  Should added training be in Mr. Adam Ragge's future? |
![[Image: giphy.gif]](https://media.giphy.com/media/3j4CeCodETbJla15gs/giphy.gif)
April 12, 2020 – 5:16 AM
The Original Fake News
| Understanding the Stars: Beyond the Sun Sign | |
| There’s no denying that astrology has become a popular tool in recent years by both matchmakers and individuals who seek to unravel the secrets behind their friends, family members, and lovers. With so many people seeking the advice of the stars, astrologers have been forced to simplify their horoscopes; and with simplification comes inaccuracy. The best way to understand someone is by looking at their birth charts. The charts themselves are a bit confusing; it can take months of studying to learn to read them. Fortunately, it’s relatively easy to understand once you understand the basics: the signs and the planets. The sun sign is the sign we’re most familiar with. If you’re born in early January, you’re likely a Capricorn. If you’re born in late May, you’re likely a Gemini. The sun represents the ego and the self, and many—but not all—can relate to their sun sign. The moon sign represents how an individual handles their emotions. Those who are well in-touch with their feelings might relate better to their moon sign, while those who struggle to express their emotions may deny it has any truth to it at all. The Mercury sign represents communication, thinking, and learning. If you’ve met someone who was particularly difficult to talk to, it’s likely you have conflicting Mercury signs. The Venus sign represents love and attraction. While sun signs are popular for making matches, the full story cannot be told without knowledge of the Venus sign. Those with harmonious Venus signs are predisposed to find the other attractive. The Mars sign represents passion and aggression. People with anger issues likely have an aggressive Mars sign, whereas those who struggle to assert themselves might have a passive Mars sign. Case Study: Marcus Lytton Marcus Lytton, business mogul and eligible bachelor, is was born when the sun was in Libra. Libras are rules by Venus and are fond of luxury, the arts, and beauty—something unsurprising coming from the head of a fashion house! . |
Libras are an air sign, suggesting an intellect to them; paired with the Libra’s positive polarity and cardinal mode, they likely express their intellect in the form of diplomacy and networking at society events! Mr. Lytton was born when the moon was in Cancer, pointing towards a need for security and a desire to protect oneself from the outside world. It may explain why Mr. Lytton is always ahead of the grain—he never wants to see his customers’ business go elsewhere! Other notable planets are his Capricorn ascendant and Leo Venus. Those with Venus in Leo will always buy the most their money can afford, which may explain why his dresses are marketed towards those with country manors and those with superior connections! His Capricorn ascendant points to a business acumen, but also a desire to appear like he cares less than he does, which may explain why he hasn’t secured a wife yet! Case Study: Tilda MacFusty Tilda MacFusty is a little different than her relatives, who are known for their unruliness and, at times, impropriety. She graduated Hogwarts as head girl and made her place in the medical profession, where she works in the Creature-Induced Injuries unit. This can quickly be explained by the sun’s placement in Cancer at the time of her birth; it points to a sensitive, caring nature. Her specialization within the hospital points to close family ties, which is common in Cancer suns. With the symbol of a crab, it shouldn’t be expected that Cancers are always kind and gentle; they have the tendency to act based on their moods and get frustrated quickly. Miss MacFusty was born when the moon was in Scorpio, pointing towards a need for deep emotional relationships rather than shallow acquaintanceships. She may struggle with fears of betrayal and abandonment, which may explain why she pursued a career rather than seeking a husband immediately after leaving Hogwarts! Other notable placements include her Taurus Mars and Cancer Mercury. Those with Mars in Taurus are practical, reliable, and grounded. They prefer to do rather than dream, and may find themselves seeking a marriage based in security rather than passion, or a job with clear responsibilities. Cancer mercuries are known for their adaptability and good memory—all good traits in a healer! |
April 12, 2020 – 5:16 AM
The Original Fake News
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