Issue #270 —The Mind of a Matchmaker: Predictions for the 1892 Season
February 13, 2022 – 11:44 PM
The Original Fake News
February 13, 2022 – 11:45 PM
The Original Fake News
| This potion may be just the thing you need to take your should-have-been to an I-do! |
Potion to Reveal the Secrets of the Heart Have you been trying for too long to catch the eye of your love, but are still unsure if they return your feelings? Have you been trying to push a friend to be something more, and aren't sure if they've gotten the message or not? Suspect that a suitor may be too shy to take the next step, and looking for a way to prod them along? This potion is for you! Easy to brew and with a pleasant taste, it's quite simple to get this potion into someone's drink at a party and then ask them some more direct questions than you otherwise might. Instructions to Brew Timing is important for this potion, so keep a properly wound watch by your side throughout! 1/4 litre morning dew 1 tablespoon essence of daisyroot 3 scoops powdered newt scales 4 long strands of dried jewelweed 7-10 fingerbones of a young fox Stir daisyroot into chilled morning dew, then heat until near bubbling. Sprinkle in newt scales, about half a scoop every minute, while stirring constantly. Continue stirring until the potion has achieved a golden-brown color, roughly five minutes. Reduce heat to very low; wait until mixture has stopped bubbling and is gently steaming before adding the jewelweed. Jewelweed should dissolve on its own over the period of the next twenty minutes or so - during this time stirring is not advisable as over agitation of the brew could cause explosions or small fires. Once the jewelweed is dissolved, increase the heat and rock the cauldron slightly until the mixture boils again. Add the fingerbones one at a time, stirring constantly. The potion is done when the color is that of red wine and the bubbles in the brew have increased in size to roughly that of a human eye. Pour the potion into a separate container to cool; allow to cool completely before consuming. Instructions to Use Allow the subject to ingest the potion and wait at least thirty seconds for the brew to take effect (this can sometimes be evident based on a slight ruddiness of the cheeks, but may be difficult to discern on some complexions). After the potion has taken effect, ask the subject directly about their feelings. They will be compelled to only provide true answers, for a period of approximately ten minutes, depending on the size and constitution of the drinker; particularly small and lithe individuals may be under the effects for longer. For particularly large men, consider using a larger amount of the potion for the desired effect. Note that the recipient of the potion can still choose to remain silent, so choose your questions well. A proper question for this sort of thing will provide a direct and useful answer, but still seem in-character for a proper young woman to ask in a social setting, so as not to alert the man to your schemes! |
February 13, 2022 – 11:45 PM
The Original Fake News
Are you: the sort of man who keeps the peace, who enjoys polite conversation, who avoids unnecessary drama, who dreams of a life of comfort? Then do not write; I seek a fellow mutineer against complacency. A man as sweet as a chocolate frog seeks a woman with some spice. She must be playful, kind, and patient with culinary experiments. A sense of humor is a must. He aspires to one day have a charming companion, delightful children, and a life that is as satisfying as a treacle tart. Young woman seeks penpal for intellectual stimulation; with no special expectations of romance. Topics of interest include magical theory and politics. Refined gentleman of leisure seeks a charming young lady to whom he might devote himself. She should be a stimulating conversationalist, an open-minded, romantic soul, and preferably be fond of literature, music and the arts. Name, bloodline and material advantages are here immaterial—a pretty face, however, is a must. Write to him with your own definition of love. Academic, intelligent son of upper class family seeking equally devoted wife. Must not be plain, must have a plethora of wit, and must be impossibly charismatic to entice aforementioned son away from his research. Family must be in excellent social standing, upper class, and desperately patient. A widow of Upper Class standing and excellent breeding seeks interested suitors now that her mourning period has ended. Has a step-son from her late husband's first marriage but no true children of her own; interested parties will find her a pretty, witty companion and a perfect candidate |
for marriage. Interested men of inappropriate station and blood status need not apply. Finished debutante seeking correspondence with an eligible bachelor with a serious mind towards marriage. Ideal companion is kind, enjoys sports and the outdoors, and is more at home in smaller social gatherings than grand parties. The lady in question is reserved, accomplished, and obedient. An uptight and shy constable is seeking a fun-loving and down to earth woman to help bring excitement back into his rather drab lifestyle. The ideal lady for him would be one who is a skilled conversationalist as they will need to carry a conversation by themselves as he can be quite bashful. He is also perfect for the young lady that wishes to take things as slow as possible as his inexperience will make this a new venture for him. Must like dogs. This young woman deems herself a cynic—suspecting that no one has ever truly found love in the Lonely Hearts pages—but must have suffered some concussion, for she has placed an advertisement nonetheless. (Whether she is an unconscious optimist or merely desperate is left to you.) Of upstanding family, she seeks a kind, intelligent gentleman no older than thirty-five; failing marriage and partnership, she would be content simply to find a friend and confidant to count on in society. Non-English lady, desires to meet atypical gentleman of society. Sociable nature and command of himself in society desirable. Good humour and intelligence a must. A lady of excellent, upper class standing seeking a debutante of equally excellent, |
upperclass standing in wont of a husband. Interviews with said husband can be arranged after the lady has deemed a suitable match. An intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and handsome man seeks a woman with a sense-of-humor and a sense of adventure. Must enjoy children, quidditch, and be open-minded. A decent cook would be an added bonus. A perfect match would equal him in warmth, personality, and compassion. Must like animals and be interesting. Do you enjoy spontaneous trips, collecting oddities, trying new things, and swimming in the ocean? Are you seeking female company for any of the aforementioned activities? Write me without delay, and please include the most intriguing thing that has happened to you in the past fortnight. A lady, past her mid 20's from a large and notable family is seeking a gentlemen of an artistic inclination to compliment her poetic nature. No small fortune in dowry for the right gent in search of a partner in life as in art. Pureblood gent of marriable age sought for eldest daughter in receipt of a large dowry to bolster a pureblood bloodline. Would suit second son or gent seeking to make himself. I am a young gentleman of middling class, in want of a girl to add a little gaiety to my life. You will be more interested in being wooed by unusual interests, delicate sonnets and sweet wounded looks than by wealth or status. You may require an excess of confidence as I am a modest, unpretentious type—do not mention the advertisement when you write, but simply address me as F and perhaps send me a poem you like. |
| Happiness is just an owl away! Send a letter in with your personal advertisement or response to have it printed in the next issue. Address your letters to: Lonely Hearts, Witch Weekly. | ||
February 13, 2022 – 11:45 PM
The Original Fake News
| The Mind of a Matchmaker: Predictions for the 1892 Season | |
| To the rest of society, Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love between spouses, friends, and family; but here at Witch Weekly, dear readers, Valentine's Day represents the more. It's a day to look at the matches that have been made over the past year, to admire the upcoming nuptials , and—as we enjoy most of all—make predictions about could-be couples. Recent Developments Mr. Everett Swann & Miss Verity Greengrass A match that nobody—including us—would have predicted, Mr. Swann and Miss Greengrass married at the beginning of January. The courtship, engagement, and subsequent marriage between the pair all took place within a mere few months, which begs the question: why the rush? The former Miss Greengrass was hardly old enough to be concerned with a swift match, and while having a younger sister to share the spotlight with might not be ideal, it's hardly a reason to accept the first man who glances one's way! We look forward to seeing how their marriage progresses—if one catches our meaning. Mr. Emrys Selwyn & Miss Angelica Vorona A most unlikely pairing, the Hogwarts professor married the second-eldest Selwyn brother last year rather suddenly. While those acquainted with both Mr. Selwyn and the former Professor prior to their marriage (a small circle indeed!) claim that their personalities suit each other well, but we're far more interested in discovering how the two came to be wed at all! Is there something more sinister going on? Even polite society is familiar with Mr. Trystan Selwyn's scandals, so it's not difficult to believe his brother would be into similar trouble. Mr. Aldous Crouch & Miss Helga Scamander The pair announced their engagement at the end of the last year with no prior courtship. The two have apparently been acquainted for some time, though rarely have they shared company in public until recently. Miss Scamander, nearly three-and-twenty and with little luck on the marriage mart despite her bubbly persona, seemed to have finally scored the sort of man she was looking for: powerful and well-connected. He might be no Beckett Longbottom, but we're sure Miss Scamander will have no difficulty adapting to life as Mrs. Crouch come March. Mr. Enoch Rosier & Miss Brynn Malfoy As sad as we are to shatter the dreams of all young ladies hoping to secure the heart of this handsome auror, it seems fate would have it that Miss Malfoy, despite her advanced age and many failed seasons, has managed to secure the spot as the future Mrs. Rosier. The match is said to have been made by the Malfoy and Rosier families, and despite our broken hearts we have no reason to suspect that the match will be anything but successful. As it is with most wealthy pureblooded families, they tend to be rather choosy with their spouses, so we can only assume that careful consideration went into whatever agreement was made. |
Our Predictions Mss Frida Lestrange made for a bashful debutante in her first season, but we expect she will enter her second with the determination of all young ladies who are forced to spend the months after a failed season reminiscing on all of their failures. With her surname and accomplishments to commend her, we expect that this will be the season she settles down. Of course, it would be unwise to ignore that her younger sister, current Hogwarts head girl Miss Gretchen Lestrange, will be making her debut in the Spring as well. Their aunt has a lot on her plate, and we hope one of them does not get left behind in all the bustle! Rumors have recently circulated that Miss Bellona Zabini's parents are eager to see her wed after her sister's sudden elopement earlier last year, and we suspect they're true. It's a shame that the scandal of her mixed-blood heritage continues to impede her efforts—muggle heritage or not, Miss Zabini is the epitome of beauty and grace, and we're sure an increased dowry will be enough to earn the attention of more than one worthy gentleman. Miss Ruby Urquart, daughter of former Minister Balthazar Urquart, seems intent on pursuing a more traditional path despite her twin sister's "condition". She was seen at multiple parties during the last season, and while we commend the hostesses for their charitable efforts, we doubt that she will see as much luck in the 1891 season. Miss Verity Greengrass might have married and become Mrs. Verity Swann, but she still has two younger sisters hoping to make their own matches come the 1892 season. The more bashful Miss Grace Greengrass had little luck in her first season despite a private Coming Out Ball being held in her honor, but Miss Clementine Greengrass will presumably debut alongside her classmates and join her elder sister on the husband hunt. We expect that both sisters—either this season or the next—will settle with men in similar standing to Mr. Swann, as neither are said to possess the social prowess required to ensnare a gentleman of much greater fortune. With Miss Brynn Malfoy betrothed to the Rosier heir, we expect to see her cousins facing similar pressure to marry this season. Miss Angeline Malfoy, the eldest of three daughters, is nearing her twenty-fifth birthday herself, and without any clear prospects we expect that she too will face a betrothal. Less certain is the fate of the two younger Malfoy sisters, Miss Estelle Malfoy, 22, and Miss Victoire Malfoy, 19—the former said to be notably unfriendly for a debutante, while the latter is rumored to be notably flirtatious. |
February 13, 2022 – 11:45 PM
The Original Fake News
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