June 4th, 1894 - Bartonburg
after this thread

Alvin was still a little adrift after the last few days. After going through an entire year without Sloane, after coming close to being at peace with the whole situation she was home and she was different and it was weird. He'd been picking up the pieces of himself, putting them back together as best he could and this should have made him feel whole again, but he still felt punctured, like pieces were still missing and he couldn't put his finger on what it was that was bothering him. It was obviously great news, phenomenal even, that Sloane was alive and well, that she had been treated fairly in her time away, but there was just something stiff off about his littler sister that had him pausing here and there. Her mannerisms, her way of speaking, her old sparkle, it was all different and he was now coping with having a different version of Sloane. Hopefully he would adapt, just like he had in her absence.

Their need to escape was still the same; she would sneak off next door to be in the company of Mrs. Hatchitt and he would go outside to try and breathe through it. It was moments like that in which Alvin knew that was Sloane, but today, watching her sit properly in the company of the friends she had once shared a dorm with and grown up with, hands folded neatly in her lap, spine up straight, not interrupting or being too loud. It was too much for him. That was so utterly unlike her that he thought she might actually be Sadie instead of Sloane sometimes.

It was times like this he wished he hadn't quit drinking, or that he smoked, he needed something to do with his hands. His bad one shook when his anxiety was up and he couldn't do anything about it but try to hold it still with the other. He'd settled himself in the shade of the tree in the front garden with his sketchbook, hoping to distract himself. It wasn't like he needed to worry about Sloane in there with Calla and Miss Thompsett. Plus his mother was just in the next room. Alvin had taken to drawing the neighbor's house across the street when he heard the front door open. Miss Thompsett exited and he passed her a smile and a wave, unsure as to whether or not she wanted to be addressed or if she too might be lost in thoughts of Sloane after the visit.

---

Sisse Thompsett

  

---

It was an effort to leave Sloane's side, to allow her time with Calla, to force herself to leave, but she knew it had to be done. She honestly didn't know what to think as she exited the parlor, quietly pulling the door shut behind her so as not to disturb her friends within with her own exit. They needed time as much as she did.

As she turned she found herself face to face with, "Alvin." His name slid from her lips in a rush of a sigh, relief, impulse, and something that she wasn't sure she could put a name to in the moment. She didn't know how to put into words what she was feeling, how she thought he might be feeling. Instead, her body moved without her thinking and she threw her arms around him in a tight hug. She was alive. The thought kept echoing through her mind, the only tangible words she could make out in the mess of emotions and half formed thoughts. Well and truly alive.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Alvin had hardly had time to stand up and greet her properly, when she had flung her arms around him. He froze, unsure as to whether it was the use of his first name or the hug that shocked him more. His immediate reaction to pull his hands away and up so that nobody could accuse him of putting them where they didn't belong, but after a moment, he softened into the contact, gently wrapping them around her shoulders. One hand ran up and down her back in what he hoped was a soothing motion. He wasn't even sure he had hugged Sloane like this yet. She seemed to shy away from this sort of affection at the moment and he was not about to press her either.

Without any idea what to say, Alvin simply waited Sisse out. Everything he could come up felt underwhelming or inappropriate for the feeling that welled up in his chest, as he knew it must be doing for her. The only thing he could think of, after an agonizing moment of trying, was, "I know." Because he did. He got it. He understood even if it didn't show in his face.

---

  

---

Sisse could feel Alvin soften around her, holding her close. She could feel every breathe he took, could feel his hands running up and down her spine, his heart thump in his chest. She held on fiercely, aware she ought not to do this, but unable to break away, trying to tell him what she meant through the embrace alone. There were no tears this time, there were none more to be had, instead she held on tightly, breathing in deeply in the knowledge that he understood, that he too knew.

At last, after was much much too long for any sake of propriety, Sisse stepped away, realizing her cheeks were warming as she met his kind brown eyes. "I needed - need - a bit of fresh air." Sisse admitted, "Would you accompany me?" The thought of being alone, of walking home with Miss Bliss was something she could not bear to handle at the moment.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Worrying she might cry, Alvin steeled himself for the possibility, but instead she simply held on until she was ready to let go. Alvin had never been good with tears. That was selfish of him, but he breathed out a sigh of relief and passed her a watery smile when she finally stepped back. It was strange, to feel the absence of her, but as she mentioned the need for some air, combined with the fact that no maid had followed her outside, he nodded and motioned toward the back garden, sketching supplies left under the tree.

Their backyard was not very large, nor very well-kept. It paled in comparison to the Potts' garden, but nobody around here has much time to neaten it up. Maybe he would make an effort to spend some time this summer. Sloane had always enjoyed herbology, maybe she would help him. It would give them something to do, at the very least. There was a little stone fountain in the middle, some stone paths in need of a good sweeping, a little wooden swing that Sloane had insisted on growing up.

Alvin didn't even have it in him to be bashful about it. There was too much going on to worry about it. "We don't come back here much," he explained with a little shrug. They should have at least made it a little more accessible for Wally, give him somewhere other than the house to get out to. It was better than being in the house though.

---

  

---

It felt natural, this silent acceptance, the way he guided her over to the garden with a wave of a hand, she could feel him just behind her as theymade their way down the path. Out of the shade sunshine hit her face, warm and calm against her salt stained cheeks, the moment she felt the soft caress of its rays her eyes closed and she stopped moving. She breathed in deeply, steadying herself, calming herself. The sun, the soft breeze, it was a constant, a reassurance that no matter what happened it would always remain, guide her, comfort her.

Alvin's voice brought her back to her surroundings and Sisse's eyes fluttered open to take in the garden. "It's beautiful." She told him. And it was - in its own way. It reminded her of the Bixbys, of action stilled, a sketch of a moment, a stunning spell.

The tree before her made her smile as she saw Alvin's sketchbooks under it. "What are you sketching?" She asked as she wandered toward it. The words, the curiosity, the most normal she had felt since receiving Mr. Bixby's letter only a few hours ago.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Giving her a moment, Alvin busied himself cleaning up a few things, an overturned pot, some dirt from the swing. Thinking about having the time to clean this up left him wondering if he should be doing something else with his life. At twenty-seven he shouldn't have this much time om his hands. His career had taken such a wild turn around and was still spinning in circles, that he wondered if he should put a stop to it and do something else entirely. It had been weighing on him in recent weeks, and especially now, that he ought to be doing more.

He couldn't spiral into those thoughts at the moment, realizing Sisse had asked him a question. "Oh I was just drawing the house across the street. Architecture is tedious, keeps my mind busy." To do it right anyway. All of the lines and angles, it required more precision than organic, natural shapes. It was helpful when he needed to be engrossed in the drawing and keep his thoughts at bay. He tended to draw or paint landscapes or other forms when he just needed to keep his hand busy. He didn't have too many vices anymore, no more drinking or flying, and after burning half of his hand useless, smoking wasn't something he was interested in either, so drawing seemed to be the only think to keep him from going crazy.

"It's been a lot." He admitted. His sketchbook was full of half-finished attempts at keeping his sanity and not breaking things.

---

  

---

"May I?" Sisse asked, gesturing at the sketchbook. She could understand that, the desire for tedium that occupied one's mind. How often did she throw herself into such projects? Rather than sketch she'd work on lace shawls or embroidery, or her spellcraft. Even potions had been an outlet for her, something to focus on.

"It is a lot." Sisse found herself clarifying, glancing up at Alvin, at the worries creased into his face, the frown etched in the corners of his mouth. She wanted to go over to him, to hold his hands let him know she was there... but she stayed where she was, remembering all those times before when she'd overstepped. But this time... it was different this time. She wondered if he felt it too, if he had felt it in the ballroom? Or just now when he'd held her close. The thought had her glancing back at the sketch book, away from Alvin and what she could not do, could not say. How could she tell him everything she wanted to when she didn't even know how to put these emotions into words? How to untangle the inescapable knot that today's letter had brought. Her fingers knitted together as she bit her lip holding everything in, everything together.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

His first response was to stiffen again. Alvin didn't typically let anyone look through his sketchbook, but there wasn't anything of import in there. Just the neighbor's houses; some flowers from the Potts' greenhouse; a couple of lackluster broom designs that would go nowhere, notes on the field maple that was showing promise, but still needed work. In short it was jumbled mess; an accurate description of who he was as a person these days. So after a quick hesitation, he nodded and gestured with one hand for her to go ahead.

He in turn, sat on the little swing, the ropes protesting under his weight, but held steady enough. It was probably pretty comical, folding himself onto the swing, but he enjoyed the motion nevertheless, pushing back and forth on his feet to give it a little motion. Alvin was rarely still. Sure he could sit for hours on end, but the rest of him was busy, hands constantly moving across parchment or canvas, mind buzzing with ideas for composition or color. It wasn't often he did any piece of artwork in one sitting either. Layers needed to dry, his hand or his mind needed a break, sometimes pieces would get left for days or weeks before he went back to them.

None of what was going through his head needed to be explain to Sisse though. He was sure she had her own storm of thoughts and emotions broiling under that pretty debutante front, but he was terrified to let loose the floodgates and so he could only sigh, "I'm not really sure how to handle it." He admitted quietly. Everything had changed in the last year, learning to live in Sloane's absence, that with her home again, he had to reteach himself how to make space for her and he would do so happily, gladly, but it would be an adjustment of its own.

---

  

---

Sisse was grateful for something to do with her hands so she reached out and took up the sketchbook, looking at the house he had been sketching, one finger idly tracing the lines of the building, the windows, walls. It was as neat and orderly as his sketches of brooms. Beside her she heard him settle on the swing. She turned the page, looking at another house, her eyes taking in the minute details, the colors that had been painted on the page.

His words drew her attention and she turned her gaze on him. "I don't know if any of us are." She found herself admitting. And there is was, that stirring of ...something, the need to grab his hand, to brush the worry from his face. This she found herself closing the sketchbook, her other hand reaching out to clasp his hand with hers as her gaze met his, willing him to understand her concern, the earnestness with which she wanted him to feel hopeful and happy again, "You are alright, are you not?" Silently she willed him to be, willed him to be better, to feel hope, to be alright, to stop the worry she had seen eating at him, the worry and doubt and sorrow. Let him be alright, she prayed, let him find some solace even with this storm.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

He'd been toeing a rock on the ground while she flipped through his sketchbook, trying to find anything to occupy himself with, so her hand atop his on the rope of the swing nearly startled him. He couldn't look at her; unsure he was ready to see the concern in her eyes as she asked him if he was alright. "I haven't been alright in a long time." He found himself admitting quietly; scarily easily. Alvin had a hard time admitting this to himself and had never dared to breathe the thoughts aloud. His parents, his brothers, his mother especially, they had too much on their plates to worry about him too. Rufus had a family, young children, a completely different life. Wally's life had been irrevocably changed and with the loss of Sloane, he and Harry had been the only ones who had managed to keep busy, to stay out of everyone's way and just exist. It was exhausting, but he had to, what choice did he have? As the second oldest, everyone else was his responsibility, especially with Rufus having his own to tend to.

It had all started long before this, with his own career-ending injury that had sent him into a dangerous tailspin. He grown more and more reclusive, the melancholy so oppressive some days he hardly left his room. Every time he thought he'd clawed his way out of the hole, it got deeper or wider and more steep. Sloane's return was not something to be upset about obviously, but he was still mourning her, just a little bit. Because the woman inside looked like his sister, but she did not have the same spark and she spoke too neatly and she sat up too straight and she wouldn't fly on a broom or go to the park. He was still trying to wrap his head around it all.

Still, he couldn't look at Sisse now, instead running his free hand through his hair, looking down at his shoes. Even if she understood the situation with Sloane, there was so much that she didn't know that he knew he couldn't explain well enough to make it fit this mood. His shoulders slumped, defeated as he finally chanced a glance at her.

---

  

---

There it was, the truth they had skirted around all year, the one she felt echoing in her own soul, the one that she had fretted over, tried to help. And yet it lingered there, just as it lingered in her. Yet it was impossible she could ever understand just what his pain looked like, what it felt like. She hadn't lived through what he had, she had never lost all her dreams at once. She remembered the very terror of losing her dreams, the way the guilt of it had lingered through her grief when her mother had died. But it was nothing, it could be nothing compared to what he felt. Her fingers tightened around his involuntarily, trying to give him what strength and reassurance she could in a simple squeeze.

Look at me. She wanted to tell him, Look and me, know I'm here. She wished he knew, wished he could hear and feel this pounding in her heart. Feel the way her soul reached out in desire to comfort him. It was foolish, it was an emotion she couldn't place amongst all those she had felt today, but it was there, running through her veins. His eyes met hers and she didn't look away, she tried to pour all she felt into her face, for once not hiding her emotions.

"I'm here." She whispered into the quiet between them as his eyes met her's. She didn't know what else to do, how else to help him, but just letting him know, it seemed the most natural thing in the world. She was here and she would be here for as long as he needed her to be. She didn't dare let herself think of the times she had offered this before, of the ways that had gone. She only knew that in this moment, it was the truth to be spoken into the soft afternoon air of a summer day.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

It was that look she gave him. Alvin didn't know how to handle that either. He knew she was trying to comfort him, to offer support, but he stubbornly didn't know how to accept it. Alvin had been trying to do the heavy lifting for so long now he didn't know any other way. Men weren't supposed to have these weaknesses. They didn't get weepy over things like careers and failed attempts at revivals, or having their sister come back from the dead.

He was tired of it though, tired of holding things up. Of trying and failing. Everything was a failure it felt like. She didn't know the half of it, but she didn't seem to care about the parts she did know and so Alvin let out a slow breath, holding her gaze. "I know." He repeated the sentiment of earlier. She had been there the almost the entire year, trying to get him to understand just that, but he'd been too caught up in his own head to acknowledge her efforts. "Thank you." Seeing his own faults more clearly was about the only thing he could handle right now. Alvin still didn't know how to let the walls down, but he could see them better now and maybe he'd start working on disassembling them, piece by piece. Because this was hard on her too and he didn't want to add to her stress. She had suffered losses, seemed to be dealing with everything in a far healthier manner than he was and he didn't want to drag her down with him. He had to start clawing his way out again and that was something he had to do on his own. He had to start making some changes.

"I'm sorry I've been difficult." He could own up to his mistakes too, even if he knew it wasn't enough to actually make up for them.

---

  

---

His words wrapped around her, her legs going weak. He knew, he understood, he wasn't turning her away again. Relief, pure and simple, raced through her, dancing through her nerves, set her fingers tingling. Her jaw tightened with emotion, with how real this felt. At any moment this fragile peace would break, but for now, now it was here. She knew he finally saw her, knew he understood. She promised herself she'd remembered this feeling, the way her free hand shook ever so slightly. It was a moment that felt big for something so small, so tight and encapsulated.

"Everyone is allowed to be difficult from time to time." She tried to say lightly, words catching slightly. "It doesn't scare me." And in truth it didn't. She had seen the world eat at those she loved the most and yet she refused to turn away, those were the moments when they needed someone the most. Sisse had never shied away from it, never would. She loved and she loved fiercely, with all her soul, with her entire being.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom

Alvin let her have it, he wasn't going to argue with her. There wasn't room in his life to make anyone else's harder than it needed to be. It was all bottled up inside, weighing him down and there wasn't much he could do about it but press onward. He could tell she meant it though, and she had been through a lot herself, so he supposed she was made of stronger stuff than he gave her credit for.

Running his bad hand over his tired face, Alvin sighed heavily. It was a bit of a relief to get a little bit of it off his chest. He couldn't bring himself to say anymore, it was all wound too tight for him to try and unravel everything without looking a bit mad. His moods got dark and he'd been deep into the depression last year. Sisse didn't need to know that, no matter how fiercely she objected. Nobody needed to be subjected to that; Alvin was used to suffering that alone. Hopefully this upcoming year would be easier, though it would take time for everyone to readjust, Alvin supposed that it could only go up from here and maybe a little help wouldn't be so bad.

Unsure of what else to say, he passed her a more genuine smile, straightening up a bit on the swing. "Hopefully things will get easier," it was all he had to hold onto

---

  

---

His smile was like the sun creeping out while it still rained. Her mother had called those sun showers and now Sisse wanted to tilt her face up and bask in it. Instead, she gently squeezed his hand again, her eyes meeting his, "They will be." She promised, with all the hope and optimism she could find.

Before she could utter anything further a voice drifted to them from the back door, "Miss Sisse?" Bliss's voice echoed toward her and Sisse hastily remembered herself and dropped Alvin's hand. "I should go." Sisse whispered, but every part of her wished to remain.

  

---

Thank you Bee <3 Your magic has made Sisse bloom