May 21st, 1892 — Zach's Cottage, Isle of Lewis, Scotland
Zachariah Binns

Raising a child with Zach was simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing she had ever done. As expected, he was a wonderful and doting father; he was everything she could have wanted for her daughter and more. Ilona, naturally, loved her father and became overjoyed during the evenings spent together, but Jo had grown increasingly frustrated by the unaddressed tension between her and Zach. She constantly walked on eggshells around him, terrified that one wrong word would burst the beautiful and tenuous bubble they had enveloped themselves within. Outside of the bubble laid the unspoken hurt, fury, and grief, like a monster lying in wait. It had to pop eventually for all good things came to an end, but the unknown of when ate at her in the dark, lonely hours of the night.

Tonight was no different. They had had supper together before heading back outside to enjoy the last few rays of the early summer sunshine. And, as always, Jo remained at least a few feet behind them so as to not intrude on the few moments Zach and Ilona had alone together. There were times where she thought to increase her speed, to laugh alongside them, to show Ilona a certain type of flower, but it wasn't her time to. Truthfully, the only reason why she didn't simply leave Ilona with him and head back to her temporary home for a few hours was because the baby was still young enough to require her presence every so often. Soon enough, her baby would be old enough to spend the night without Jo's presence at all.

And then she'd be alone again, just as she was when she first fled the love she never should have left.

Ilona had unexpectedly fallen asleep on the walk back up to the cottage, causing Jo to abandon her plans of heading home to complete the bedtime routine. Instead, Jo had placed her in the crib and awkwardly rejoined Zach in the living area. She ought to have gone home, but taking Ilona through the floo while sleeping always caused the poor girl distress. It would take hours for her to calm from the suddenness of being somewhere new and Jo simply didn't have that level of fight in her tonight. Not when it was more difficult than usual to ignore the pain of losing him in every way that mattered.

"We'll head out when she wakes up next if that's alright," Jo informed him as she settled into her the chair opposite him. "I thought she would be awake for another hour yet. I'm sorry if you had anything to get done for the shop tonight..."

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

While he cherished the moments he was allowed to spend with their daughter, Jo's distance made him uneasy. It was as if one wrong move would send it all crashing down, and he couldn't bear being apart again. The evening's walk had been an awkward affair. He'd attempted to slow his steps or to dilly-dally with Ilona as she inspected cracked shells, but Jo had continued to hang back. Aside from a single frown, which could have been mistaken as a wince from stepping on something sharp, Zach had schooled his expression and left only smiles for the babe.

With their daughter asleep, they were left to stew in that awkward tension without a buffer. Folding one leg atop the other, he looked to Jo. The way they sat reminded him of how snug they had once been, tucked away in his old study, laughing. Now, their evenings were filled with tense, formal small talk and fleeting moments of normalcy.

"That's perfectly acceptable," he commented, glancing at the kettle he'd set to boil over the fire, and then back with an amused smile. "She keeps her own schedule; nothing you could have predicted." He paused then and looked away, "I've been endeavoring to try and bring less work home, these days. It's much easier now that I don't reside at my place of employment."

He had hoped that, with a clear schedule, he could fully enjoy their visits without work looming over his head. This meant he gave his employees more responsibilities, something he should have done years ago. But there would still be days that business found its way home.

"Did you have a pleasant day?" He asked, the formality of it all frustrating him to no end.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

Once upon a time, Jo would have felt comfortable enough to remove her shoes and tuck her legs up beneath her. She would have had a research article or fictional novel on her lap and an easy smile for him. Now, all that remained to her was stiff formality with infrequent flashes of who they once were. Sometimes, the flashes would leave her with such an intense longing for him that she was forced to blink away tears. Sometimes, Jo wondered if she would ever cease missing him.

While his statement regarding Ilona was true, she still felt guilty occupying his space and time for longer than necessary. He had never regarded her as a nuisance (quite the opposite in fact, considering the guest bed in the makeshift nursery remained standing for her use) but Jo could never shake the feeling that he was only tolerating her for their daughter. That the smiles offered her way were layered with false sincerity, that he wished she had never come back.

Merlin, she really should have left regardless of Ilona having a fit.

For a moment, she considered asking if his manager had settled easily into the flat above the shop. Only, as soon as the thought formed she realized it could have easily been thought of their flat during the height of their romance. Speaking of the only home they ever shared felt like dangerous territory, which left her only able to casually add, "you can always return to work quickly too if needed."

Jo's foot tapped lightly against her other in a small show of anxiety. After a small pause, she nodded once and said, "yes. We visited a park this afternoon. She was delighted by the ducks." At least Ilona was a safe topic.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

"Yes, this is true, but it certainly takes a bit more effort to floo than to walk downstairs," he commented with a small smile. He didn't add his thoughts on how it cost much less than flooing, but he was certain she knew as much. Besides, it was a price he was more than willing to pay if it meant he could visit with Jo and Ilona in private.

Jo's anxious foot tapping didn't go unnoticed, but he attempted to ignore it and prevent himself from falling into one of his own nervous habits. "I'm sure she was! It's amazing how such simple things can delight her so much," he stated with a fond smile to his voice. It truly was endearing. "I imagine it was similar to how she reacted to the gulls the other evening." His grin grew at the memory.

Without thinking, he started to speak again, "One day, we should--" He paused then, his nervous throat clearing returning, since the end of that thought would require the three of them to appear out in public together. They could barely enjoy time together in private without feeling as though they were carefully treading on a high-wire.

"I bet she would enjoy the zoo when she's older."

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

"It does, and it's unfortunately messier as well." She allowed as her feet continued to tap against one another. Enduring hours of small talk while Ilona slept was miserable enough that she almost wished he request she leave just so it could end.

Zach's obvious adoration of their daughter always warmed her heart. In fact, it was the single most reason why she hadn't run from him again in the weeks and months following their reunion. She couldn't deprieve Ilona of such a warm and loving father, not when the alternative was a hole that would never quite be filled. Sure, Jo could remarry someone who would hopefully accept Ilona as his own, but at what cost? And how was she to ensure the acceptance would last a lifetime?

"It was quite like the gulls," she replied with a small smile of her own. "There were ducklings as well. If she were able to fully crawl she would have been chasing after them." Not that Jo would allow such a thing, of course. Mother ducks were notoriously protectice of their young, but the thought was endearing nevertheless.

She froze when he next spoke. We, he said. Like they were an unit — a family. Jo blinked twice in his direction, barely noticing or hearing as he corrected himself with a mention of the zoo. We, he said, like he thought of her being an active part of his future. Her throat went dry as if the single word sucked every drop of moisture from the room. Immediately, Jo knew no amount of clearing her throat would ease the thick lump forming.

She ought to add some lighthearted comment about Ilona loving the thunderbirds or some other random creature. Addressing the blunder would surely burst the bubble. However, no words formed. The only thing she could think to whisper was, "I need some air," before standing to rush outside the cottage.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Fuck.

Now, he'd done it.

Any pleasant commentary on the subject of Ilona chasing the ducks was lost as Jo fled the room. He had hoped his slip and subsequent recovery would have been something they could have glossed over, but it seemed he'd added another crack to their already shaky relationship.

This is what came of starting to feel somewhat comfortable during their 'pretend family' outings.

While he should have called after her to stay, he did not. Instead, he sat wordlessly in his chair, his gaze fixed on his steepled fingers until he heard the sound of the backdoor opening.

Zach rose to his feet and paced somewhat, allowing Jo and himself a few moments to collect herself before he followed after her. He paused by the fire and tugged the kettle off the flames, not willing to leave it unattended, even if Ilona was asleep and not exactly fully into the crawling stage as of, yet. His next course of action was to wordlessly shoo Ivan into the room with Ilona. While he was a lazy thing, it was clear he had developed a fondness for the child, and he would alert them should anything occur.

We. Why had he said we?

With a sigh and very slow steps, he made his way to the door. Spilling out into the cool evening, he silently located Jo, allowing an awkward sort of pause to filter between the pair of them before he spoke.

"Forgive me. I shouldn't have--" He faltered a bit, his fingers flexing at his side and then relaxing. "Forgive me," he repeated.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

The crisp spring air did little to ease the tightness in her chest. Her corset's bones dug painfully into her ribs, her breaths came in shallow pants. We. She had singlehandedly destroyed any opportunity they ever had to be a we by abandoning him. She had ruined everything, and he still thought of them as a we.

By the time he joined her outside Jo had managed to calm her breathing enough to appear fine. She kept her gaze from him even as he began apologizing, which was ultimately her only saving grace to keep from laughing or crying. (Or both.) "It isn't your fault." Jo told him still without making eye contact. "Nothing you need to apologize for." No. It was she who needed to apologize, to grovel, to beg him for forgiveness, and still she stood too proud to even face him.

Jo sighed heavily and gripped her folded arms tightly. "It's hard sometimes, is all. There's no need to apologize. " She then added after a brief pause.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

Zach allowed his gaze to slide away from her when it seemed Jo wouldn't meet his eyes. A slight expression of bewilderment crossed his features, but he dismissed it. It had been his fault. They'd been operating under a strict set of unwritten rules, and he'd crossed them. Why would she deny the need for his apology?

He took a few more steps out into the night air, allowing the door to close to a small crack that would allow Ivan to push through if something happened to Ilona. He wanted to reach out for Jo, hold her, promise her that he would try harder, but he kept his legs firmly planted on the rocky path.

When she spoke again, Zach's lips grew to a thin line, and his hand searched for the chain of his pocket watch to fiddle with. "It doesn't have to be," he stated, voice low and quiet, about a dozen different meanings laced with the words--sincerity, sadness, longing, a dash of bitterness. Yet, overall, there was hope and earnestness in those simple, five words. It was his turn pull away his eye contact.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

"Doesn't it?" The question (or was it a demand?) came before she could stop herself. Becoming emotional would serve only to further destabalize the fragile peace they had established in January. Another sigh escaped her, this one weaker and almost broken. Somehow, they had to undo the last ten minutes. Somehow, they had to get back to earlier that evening when the bubble was still intact.

However, just as she could never undo her mistakes of last year, they couldn't return to their bubble.

Jo's nails dug painfully through her dress and into her skin. "Please," she pleaded in a whisper. Although, what she was begging for she was entirely unsure of. Please, hold me. Except, that had ended when she left him without explanation. Please, forgive me. Jo had done nothing to deserve his forgiveness and, more importantly, she wasn't worthy of it. Please, leave me. Only, him doing so would completely shatter what remained of her heart.

---

The following 1 user Likes Jupiter Smith's post:1 user Likes Jupiter Smith's post
   Zachariah Binns

---

beautiful set by mj

"No, it doesn't" he stated immediately, meeting her demanding question with a rather uncharacteristically firm answer of his own. After he'd said as much, Zach faltered and returned to twirling his watch chain in his fingers. Had he been too forward?

When Jo's whispered plea met his ears, his indifferent mask crumbled. Her tone had him stepping forward and instinctively reaching out for her hand, but he only allowed his fingertips to brush hers before drifting away. "Jo, I--"

I'm sorry. I love you. I don't want you to leave. I hate this rift we've planted between us. I want to be a we again.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

What was it she was pleading? Were they now beyond repair?

Merlin, please not that.

"Jo..."

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

The boundary between them was important; it was the line keeping their daughter from facing misery. Jo couldn't disappear with an infant as she had when it was only her, nor could she hope to fade from his memory by simple avoidance. For one, unlike last year, she was confident he would find and follow her. Not out of any affection or love for her, but for the baby. His child. However, it would name her a horrible parent to do so as well.

The line had to exist, if only to keep the peace for Ilona. To love him again meant to ruin their relationship once more — to face chaos and heartbreak anew.

Which was why when he reached for her, she made no move to follow him back. Instead, Jo squeezed her eyes shut against the star filled sky and pleaded with her own heart to cease its pursuit of reunification. She willed her thoughts to regain control over her impulses so that they could shrink back into their friendly acquaintances status.

"I'm fine." Jo told him as she turned to face him once more. Despite the firm set of her jaw, there was no mistaking the storm of emotions behind her blue eyes. Emotions that could hold no weight here with him. "I'm sure there are other magical zoos you may take her to in the future. She'll enjoy it immensely." Jo continued instead, adding a tight, tense smile to help sell her swift change of trajectory. "You will both enjoy it."

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

She was not fine.

And neither was he.

However, they would continue their dance. They'd take a few measured steps forward, only to dart away again, each reluctant to anger or make the other uncomfortable. Even though there was so much that needed to be said. They had never really had a moment to process what had occurred. It almost felt like play-acting, and Zach wasn't sure how much longer he would be able to act the part.

"Yes, I'm sure we shall," he commented, mildly, resigned in the fact he was meant to refer to only himself and Ilona.

He edged away again and looked up at the star-filled sky. There were so many things he should have said, but he simply slipped back into more formal pleasantries, "It's a beautiful evening." He sounded distracted, adrift.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

There was nothing more she desired at present than for him to retreat inside and allow her a moment to collect herself. They had tried to make it work last year; they had both put in the effort and worked through the complications they had until the cold, lonely day when Jo realized how domesticated she had become. Surely, Zach couldn't think it sensical to continue down that path now that they had a child to consider? Surely, he saw the risk and understood how likely she was to either take Ilona and run? Or worse, abandon them both? Jo wasn't to be trusted, that Zach hadn't yet accepted that fact was reason enough alone to reinforce the established boundaries.

"It is," she agreed. The stars always served as another painful reminder — this one of Alfred and the friendship lost there. Everywhere she turned lately there seemed to be stark reminders of her failings. Perhaps they all would've been better off if she had elected to remain in America.

"I ought to go check on Ilona," Jo then said after a brief pause, her eyes not quite meeting his.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

"Of course," he commented, also not meeting her eyes. He leaned against the side of the cottage and looked out at the hardly visible landscape that stretched off across the rocks and toward the sea.

Without turning to her, he quietly and sadly added, "If you wish to take her home now, I would not fault you." Despite the resigned nature to his voice, he didn't sound as if he were blaming her. He reached out to open the door for her, always remaining a gentleman despite current events.

"Ivan," he called, voice low. The dog's nails clacked slowly on the floor, headed for the door outside.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3

Jo hesitated in the doorway. Did he wish her to leave then? Waking Ilona would disrupt her entire nighttime routine, whereas allowing her to have her few hours of rest would allow for a much easier transition home. Frowning, Jo nodded once and quietly said, "if that's what you wish." Before continuing to head inside.

---

  

---

beautiful set by mj

"It isn't," he murmured quietly as she left. He just had the feeling that she didn't wish to stick around.

By then, Ivan had joined him, and he waved the corgi on to go relieve himself wherever he saw fit. He didn't stop Jo from going inside. Instead, he pushed off from the wall and retreated further into the back garden, his face a contorted mess of 'why did I say that?' and an unreadable frown that tugged even at his eyes.

Fuck.

Why couldn't this just be easy? A polite smile, pleasantries. He could pretend as if she were a visiting cousin or house guest.

No, she'd never be that to him.

Fuck.

  

---

Pretties thanks to Olive! <3