Arthur Pettigrew: It's not too late to run away, change my name to "Dirk Lonestyle," and live above the Leaky Cauldron.

Arthur Pettigrew: Dude, what are you even getting into out there? Do I need to follow you around all day to smack your hand and tell you no?
Reuben Crouch: IT WOULD BE NICE

Fortitude Greengrass, to Cash: Your family is so fucked. I'm sorry, but wow.

Aldous Crouch: For the record, I personally believe this to be a total fucking disaster.
Ben: Ok, good.

Benji: I don't know how jurisdiction works here but Imma have to place you under arrest.

Elmer Macmillan: Are you calling me a dipshit?
Helena Macmillan: I love you but you're not a serious person.

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MJ made this!

Helena: I will not relive that bullying nightmare.
Elmer Macmillan: Uh, it wasn't that bad.
Helena: That's the heartbreaking part. Your were so blissfully unaware.

Harriet to Fitz, probably: I'm afraid you and I have arrived at an awkward moment in our parent-child relationship. It seems there are some nude photographs on me on the internet, and I would like you to search for them.

Morwenna: Oh, I'd kill for a good coma right now.

Ailsa: What you did was impulsive, capricious, and melodramatic...but it was also wrong.

#alltheshadesofmoirarose

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Holly: once i figure out how to hold a conversation, it’s friendship for you bitches

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   Camilla Lytton

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— set by MJ <3 —

Female Professor: (comes out of a room holding an antique bottle) Hey, is this whiskey or perfume?
Woopy: (grabs the bottle, drinks all of it) It's perfume.
Professor, slightly horrified: It was.

Bringing this back in the form of:

Random Professor: Do you think different laundry detergents have different tastes?
Woopy: They do.
Professor: Why did you say that so quickly and with so much certainty?

  

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Magic by Lady!

Wanna be there for Sweetie during her post-election slump?

Confession: I write down the funny quotes in whatever I'm watching/webcomics I'm reading in a notes app on my phone and then use them as incorrect quotes as inspiration strikes me. So everything in this is from Dumbing of Age as per my annual reread.

Freddie Prewett: I'm new to dating and you seem to know everything.
Art: Well I really really don't.
Freddie: You at least know how to go to town on somebody, right?
Art: Well doy. I thought you said this was about dating.

Freddie: Gretchen Lestrange, this is Arthur. He's the expert on stuff like how to be at parties while intoxicated and doing sex things with strangers.
Art: Is... is that really my legacy?

Gretchen: Maybe I should go see if Cash has any cigarettes.
Seneca: I thought you didn't smoke?
Gretchen: I'm thinking of starting.

Fortitude Greengrass: So, uh, how's Billy Darrow doing these days?
Noble: Oh, I don't know, haven't seen him for a while.
Ford: You'd tell me if he was suffering from some weird psychotic break, right?
Noble: RIP small talk.

Cash: Christ, whatever gross perverted kink you have, I'll do it if you'll just shut up.
Theodore Gallivan: Violating all of my deeply ingrained principles is apparently it.

J. Alfred Darrow: I do not know how angry you are with me and so my level of standoffishness is fluctuating! You are very pretty today!

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MJ made this!

Reuben Crouch: I’m going on this mission alone. I ask that you rescue me or avenge me, as appropriate.

Gretchen Lestrange: Are you nervous?
Freddie: Yes.
Gretchen: Is this your first time?
Freddie: No, I have been nervous before.

Dionisia: Self Love is important.
Ben, currently having his 5th mental breakdown of the day: Sounds fake but okay.

Edison Moony: Everyone, pay attention! I need to make an announcement and I only have one minute.
Cameron: What?
Sloane Bixby: Why?
Calla Potts: Are you in a hurry?
Edison: No, I was referring to your incredibly short attention spans.

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— set by MJ <3 —

Emrys: Is this a good idea? Last time we saw Reuben Crouch he shot at us.
Elmer Macmillan: Which is why I brought... this! *pulls out pocket knife*
Emrys: What's that supposed to do?
Elmer: Well, you know what they say about bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Emrys: That it's... bad?
Elmer: Oh, bloody hell, is that what that means?

^ that was from Dirk Gently but all the rest of these are from Nice Guys which I watched last night, and it's super funny.

Ben: Marriage is buying a house for someone you hate.

Roslyn: Are you willing to find God?
Alfred: I'm just trying to find Zelda.

Ben: Can I ask you a question? Tell it to me straight, don't lie to me just because you're my brother. Am I a bad person?
Aldous Crouch: Yes.

Evander Darrow, to Alfred: You wanna know the reason I won't tell you? It's not the only reason, but it is the principle reason: you're a moron.

Kieran Abernathy: Let me tell you about my job. You drive around two days, spend half the time interviewing a bunch of shits, spend half the time translating fuckwit to English, and at the end all that's changed is that the sun has gone down twice.

Art: He asked me to do a job. I'm not gonna lie to him.
Emrys: And I respect that. That's why I'll lie to him.

Jules: What if someone's about to die?
Camilla: That's not going to happen.
Jules: Why not?
Camilla: That'd be national news.
Jules: So?
Camilla: When was the last time you were on national news?
Jules: February.

Zelda walks into the room, pulls a gun.
Alfred, putting his hands up: Zelda! Wow, you look amazing. How do you — how do you get your hair so pretty?

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MJ made this <3

Billy Darrow: I need your help, but I need to know if I can trust you.
Ford: I'm getting the feeling you don't have much choice.

I was saving this for another thing but now it's FAR TOO ACCURATE so.

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   Billy Darrow

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Set by Lady!

Zelda: It’s not a hickey, okay, because that would be disgusting and unprofessional.
Zelda: Alfred, did you give me a hickey?

Ari Fisk: You know I’m a little disappointed in you Julian, you were chaperoning Zelda, you could have done a better job of looking out for her.
Julian Fisk: Okay, I’m sorry I’m not a condom.

J. Alfred Darrow: Will you marry me?
Zelda:  What the fuck, seriously?

Cash: Look, lying to your parents is an adulthood rite of passage, like pretending you love them.

Ari: You’re the most evil of us. Do you have a plan?
Roslyn Ross:  I’m not evil.
Ari: You are smart and you are mean.
Ros: I’ll cop to smart and mean.

Noble: I’ll be fine as long as nobody ever knows.
Clem: I know.
Noble: Aw, jeez.
Clem: Yeah, I’d be worried.

Juliana Binns: Okay, you got me, I just like telling people they’re wrong.

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MJ made this!

Dionisia: Are you good?
Ben: The answer to that question is kinda long.

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   Dionisia Fisk

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MJ made this <3

Emrys Selwyn: I don't want to seem overdramatic, but I really don't care what happens here.

Ben, to Elmer Macmillan: How come everything you say makes me feel like I'm being trolled?

Sloane Bixby: Two more completed interactions with my roommates! I think I'll mark Madeline Bell's as positive and Alice Dawson's as neutral to pissy.

Valerian Macnair: So who are you?
Charles Macmillan: I'm Tatiana's boyfriend, who the fuck are you?
Valerian: My god.

Cash: Yeah, I met her. She was acting suspicious.
Angie Swan: You think everyone's acting suspicious.
Cash: Ehh, it gives me something to do.

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   Aldous Crouch, Charles Macmillan, Elmer Macmillan, Reuben Crouch, Roberto Devine, Sloane Bixby

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set by MJ <3

Incorrect quotes, things my friends have said that I have written on my phone edition:

Tabitha Chevalier: I'd rather be terrifying than be attractive.

Emrys Selwyn, in the thread with Art: I was gonna just let you be. It seems like you had a bad week, you deserve a terrible pile of dorito crumbs to sit in.

Ester Montgomery: My brain's on airplane mode.

Desdemona Pettigrew: I don't know if I'd trust Arthur with custody of a paper bag.

Fitzroy Prewett: Swag. I'm so dope sometimes.

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MJ made this!

Jules: What, you want me to apologize for being smarter than 99% of the population?

Noble Greengrass : There is some merit to those arguments, but reasonable and nuanced discussion is not what we're here for.

Melody Crouch: You lied to me.
Ben: I didn't lie. It was a... strategic no-truthing.

Lachlan MacFusty: What are you doing here?
Jules: Reading.
Lachlan: This is my apartment.
Jules: Oh, is that why you're here?

Lach: Are you angry at me?
Jules: Y- n- Ah- I don't - why would I be angry at you?
Lach: You seem angry at me.
Jules: I have... some feelings towards you.
Lach: ...
Jules: They're complicated.

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   Emilia Moony

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Prof. Marlowe Forfang

Jules

Noble: Thank you so much for this. It was entirely unhelpful, but thank you nonetheless.

Zelda: Do you work here?
Fortitude Greengrass: Why?
Zelda: If you don’t work here I get to be mean to you.

Art: What do you want, Emrys?
Emrys: Just checking in on you. Looks like you’ve given up?

Ester Montgomery: Arthur, you torpedoed your world, okay? And so I’m adopting you. You’ll start new with the building blocks of my social network.

Conall MacKay: Oh, I thought maybe medicine was against your religion.
Temperance Fairchild: That’s dungeons and dragons, Conall!

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MJ made this!

Valerian: So, you're basically the therapist for, like, the entire village of Hogsmeade?
Fortitude Greengrass: Pretty much, yeah.
Valerian: Who's your therapist, then?
Ford:
Ford: [holds up a small pebble] I talk to this rock sometimes.

Edward: -and that's how I think we should do it. So, what you guys think?
Charles Macmillan: I wasn't paying attention, but I strongly disagree with Valerian Macnair.
Elmer Macmillan: Wha- He's not even here!

Elmer: Don't worry! I'm fine!
Valerian: You were stabbed!
Elmer: Yeah, but I've been stabbed before. I have immunity.
Valerian:
Valerian: You can't build up an immunity to stab wounds, Elmer!

Arthur Pettigrew: Sure, I made mistakes when I was younger, but now that I'm older, I've learned how to make different, far more serious mistakes.

Not sure if this counts as an incorrect quote since it's pretty much an exact quote from Charlerian letters :P

Charles: I’m going to kill you!
Valerian: Understandable. Could you at least wait until I finish my coffee though?
Charles: ...What?
Valerian: It’s a really good coffee.

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   Arthur Pettigrew, Charles Macmillan, Fortitude Greengrass

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Ford: Do I really need to tell them? 'Coming out' just seems so 90s. I mean, they've seen me in school musicals. Do we really need a whole discussion?

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Cassius Lestrange: I'm not supposed to drink. Ford said I'm not supposed to drink right now.
Angie Swan: Yeah, well how are you supposed to stop being depressed if you're not allowed to drink?

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Set by Lady!