'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough

December 1889 mdash; Arizona Territory
@'Eavan MacKay'

Despite having not seen or heard from his family in nearly twenty years, Beau was never quite able to shake the nightmares left behind from their neglect. The feeling of inadequacy fueled his rage, and the distinct loneliness haunted his dreams. They were always some variant of the same: an abandoned orphan he could never save, a small animal destined to be crushed by an incoming stampede. The nightmares always ended the same, too: him, surrounded by the carnage of his mistakes.

There was always blood dripping from his fists.

Sleep hadn't come easily to Beau tonight. The Christmas holiday was fast approaching and with it all the added thoughts of what family holidays should've been. Even with Eavan's warm frame snug against him he hadn't drifted off until well into the night. The nightmares began immediately, building in intensity until he was soaked in sweat and mumbling incoherently in his sleep.

  

Though she certainly hadn't anticipated it, Eva was very much enjoying sharing the occasional bed with Beau in both senses of the meaning. It was especially delightful on these cold winter nights. Their tents were enchanted to be perfectly nice and warm, but as she'd come to learn, there was little that compared to the comfort of having a warm body asleep next to her on her makeshift little bedroll nest.

Eavan had crashed early that night, but was not surprised in the slightest to roll over and find Beau had joined her at some point. She hardly registered it as she curled into him and drifted back off to sleep. Unlike her bed mate, Eva had slipped into a blissfully dreamless sleep, the day's exhaustion and added comfort allowing for a deep slumber, but it seemed Beau was not so lucky.

Roused by his muttering, Eva rubbed the sleep from her eyes and rolled over toward him. She was still half asleep herself, but even so, could recognize a nightmare when she saw one. Gently she reached out to soothe him, trying to wake him slowly from the dream so as not to startle him, adding in a soft whisper, "Hey Handsome, wake up."

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He awoke with a start, eyes wide and hand shooting to grip the wrist shaking him. It took a minute to realize he wasn't still lost in the midst of his dreams, that the small child just out of reach in rhe distance wasn't standing in the tent with them. Beau was fortunate he didn't wake up swinging as he had in the past, though those wakenings generally came by a much more aggressive hand.

With his free hand Beau rubbed tiredly at his eyes. He hadn't meant to wake her by joining her tonight, but he somehow knew it would be a rough night overall. "Sorry." Beau muttered as he inched away from her as much as he was able. "Go back to sleep. It was just a dream." His heart was still beating wildly in his chest, the panic having not yet subsided. "I'm alright."

  

Eva hadn't expected such a swift reaction, but she softened easily, though mildly startled. Lips pursed and eyes slowly adjusting to the dark, she watched him carefully for a moment, ignoring his suggestions. She pulled a face as he inched away from her.

So she followed him.

"Get back here," She chided quietly, snuggling up against him again, brushing her own hair out of her face. "You're also warm, and you can't get rid of me that easily." She assured him as she got comfortable again, though this time was probably questionably close as she laid her head on his shoulder and draped an arm across his chest- beneath which she could feel his heart hammering away.

After a quiet moment, she turned her head up toward him, "Do you want to tell me about it?" He certainly didn't have to, but sometimes she found talking it out helped.

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No. Beau didn't particularly want to rehash his greatest fears and shame with the woman he'd come to care greatly for over the past few months. The easy nature of their not-relationship (a fact he'd accepted months ago without complaint) was sometimes amongst the only bright spots in his day. Sure, he was friendly with the other guys and wasn't alone, but he also wasn't as comfortable with them as he was with Eavan. He didn't want to give her a cause to view him differently.

He wrapped himself back around her without complaint, even going as far to pressing a kiss to the top of her head (a far more intimate gesture than they typically shared). The nightmares were still on repeat in his head, his heart still felt like the wings of a hummingbird in his chest. Despite how desperately he wanted to hide the dark parts of himself he knew she wouldn't let the subject drop until he gave her something.

"I did some not-great things after graduation." He began quietly, hand clenching unconsciously on her shoulder. "Sometimes &mdash:" all the time "— I'm back there again in the endless fights."

  

If anyone on the outside were to see them, one would think they were a happily married couple; which made Eva laugh when she thought about it. Thankfully the reality of it was simple; they were close friends who happened to share a bed every now and again.  After the disaster with Fletcher, Eva wasn't so sure she would give settling down another chance, not when there were projects and people like Beau out there, scattered across the globe, just waiting for her to decide to pack up and join them temporarily.

Still, as close as they were, Eva had only been able to glean a little bit of his history, vague stories she patched together in an effort to get to know him better and understand what made him tick as a human being. It seemed, though she knew about the fighting, that his past was a little darker than he tended to let on. Unfortunately, it was in the dark that the subconscious mind always thought to bring this things back into focus when they were best left forgotten.

Snuggling in as he did, Eva tucked her head under his chin again, chuckling at the affectionate kiss. Apparently, while Eva was harassing people and creatures at Ilvermorny, Beau's life after graduation was not so easy. He'd had it rough from the start and though Eavan knew the last thing he wanted from her was pity, she did feel sorry for how things had gone for him.

She thought about what to say for a moment, trying to give them both time to calm their rapid heartbeats (though hers wasn't so bad, just briefly startled!) before whispering, "I would think, though not an excuse certainly, we all have choices, that unfortunately, sometimes, there's no way to find yourself, other than to wade through all of the shit life puts you through until you're in a place where you can handle it. Sometimes you can handle it and sometimes you can't." It was, by no means a justification for something that clearly haunted him, but rather meant to be some kind of validation that he'd been dealt a rough hand in life and had to handle it in whatever way he could to survive.

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Choice was the issue here, wasn't it? Beau had had the option to return home to an honest life, even if it meant bearing the weight of guilt as though he was Atlas. He had professors willing to guide him towards different career paths, and could have just as easily taken up work in a shop. The life of a brute didn't have to be the one he chose, but he had. And that was a guilt he'd have to live with.

"And if you can't?" He asked in a near whisper. The loan shark he worked for hadn't exactly sent Beau on rescue missions. Sometimes in the darkest of moments he wondered if some of the people he roughed up survived their injuries. With as many people as he assaulted there had to be a murder in there somewhere. Beau was glad he didn't know the truth. That was a guilt he couldn't bear to live with.

Beau reached for her hand with his free one. "I hurt a lot of people, Eavan. More than I can even remember."

  

That was the sticking point wasn't it; having a choice. Sometimes you did and sometimes you didn't. Eva truly believed that everyone, at some point in their lives did something they had to do to survive even if it went against their morals. Eva was positive that her father hadn't truly wanted to uproot their lives and head to the Amazon for some undetermined amount of time, leaving her to fend for herself, but he'd had to deal with the grief in the only way he'd known at the time.

"And if you can't," She gave their joined hands a squeeze. "You ask for help." There was no shame in asking for help when you needed it. Surviving alone was impossible.

As comfortable as she was, Eva pulled away momentarily and rolled herself over in her spot, propping herself up on her elbows to look at him. "Hurt, past tense, look at all of the good you're doing now." She pointed out, making sure he could clearly see her earnest expression. "Not to mention bad people don't feel guilty about it years later." She smiled softly at him, though it had a hint of mischief to it. "Plus I'm a pretty good judge of character, I like to think." And here she was, tangled up in bed with him, half-dressed and discussing a vulnerable time in his life.

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To ask for help would be to admit to all his wrongs — a task Beau was nowhere near ready for. Perhaps one day he'd bare his soul to someone, but Eva knew enough as it was. At any rate she knew more than most other people who didn't know him throughout those years did. If tomorrow Eva still wanted to be friends with him after processing what he'd already shared maybe Beau would consider telling her more.

Beau gave a hm of agreement to her first statement. Sure, he was atoning now, but it hardly made up for the wrongs then. Beau could rehabilitate thousands of injured animals and still not be in the black. "Let's hope you are. For your sake anyhow." He responded lightly.

  

He expertly skipped past her suggestion of help, but she noticed and decided to let it go. As long as he knew she was willing to help, if he decided he needed or wanted it, she was content for now.

"Oh yeah?" Eva quirked an eyebrow at him, choosing to try and lighten the mood instead of dwelling on a past he couldn't change. "I bet I could take ya, She waggled her eyebrows at him now, a smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. "I've been told I'm pretty scrappy." She balled up her fists in front of her playfully.

To say she hadn't been in a fight or two in her youth would have been a lie, she was a defender of all things little and weird as a child. Now though, the thought was laughable; Beau was easily over a foot taller than her and a wall of solid muscle (she knew for a fact) that probably weighed twice as much as she did.

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Beau leaned up on his elbow, eyes trailing down her small form as if sizing her up. There was no universe in which Eavan could hurt him in a physicsl fight. A duel, maybe, considering how rusty his skills there had become. And she would definitely win a battle of wit, but not anything involving their bodies. His height alone was too big an advantage.

"You think so?" He teased, brows raised in a look of skepticism. Beau almost hoped she would try, if only for the ridiculousness of the situation. "Scrappy's just another word for a dirty fighter in my experience." Far too many people chose dirty hits over following the rules in order to win, not that Beau ever thought Eavan to be a dirty fighter.

  

Grinning now, Eva watched him lean up slowly. She bit her lip, glad to see her distraction tactics had worked. There was a snowball's chance in hell that she could ever take him in a physical altercation, maybe outrun him if necessary, but his stride was easily two of hers so even that was questionable. Still she had a lot of spunk and that usually suited her just fine. "Oh I've never been called a dirty fighter in my life, they deserved it!" She retorted in an indignant whisper.

Then without warning, she was up on her knees and pouncing on him, though gently, in what would likely be a short-lived attempt to pin him down. Still, perched on his waist and one hand on either side of his head, she chuckled as she looked down at him, hair falling over one shoulder. "Plus I'm quick." She raised her eyebrow playfully at him again, but even the element of surprise wasn't going to get her very far and now she'd used it up.

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He chuckled and said "I'm sure they did." Even if they hadn't Beau could hardly judge her for it. Still, it was rather funny envisioning her attacking some poor, unsuspecting fellow. A rush of red hair as she leapt onto her victim like a lion, Beau laughed again at the thought.

It was then that Beau became the poor, unsuspecting fellow. In the blink of an eye she was perched on top of him with a grin, causing him to smirk in return. "Like a lion." He said from beneath her. Merlin, she was beautiful. An Irish goddess if he'd ever seen one. Even now, months after their first tryst, Beau was still taken aback by her. Instinctively, his hands came to rest on her waist. He was by no means pinned beneath her, but was content to continue this with her on top. Before either of them could add more to the conversation, Beau cupped her cheek and pulled her down against him, kissing her softly.

  

Eva had fully been expecting a little tussle. It had been her goal after all- get his mind off the dreams. It seemed to have worked, though she would have never expected his next move. He could so easily overpower her, flip her over and pin her down effortlessly, but he blindsided her so thoroughly with the kiss that she froze for a split second.

What was even more unexpected was the tenderness of his movements, the gentle pressure of his lips against hers. It was entirely unlike any they'd previously shared, whiskey-fueled and heated up until now. Their agreement was simply a way to burn off the tension, built up frustration, a mutual understanding of the terms she'd set from the get-go. But this, this caught her off guard entirely; she didn't hate it. That surprised her even more.

Leaning in willingly she dared not to change the tone he'd set, her fingers curled into the fabric of the blankets beneath them, body flush against his in search of the warmth and thrill that came with it.

He'd won without even moving. "Now who's not fighting fair." She mumbled against his lips, eyes concentrated on his, curiosity building, but not enough to say anything else as she leaned back in.

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The rules of their arrangement were never far from his mind — how could they be when he had to remind himself daily why they weren't together like he had been with Hazel. Soft and gentle wasn't what was agreed upon, they weren't lovers. They were friends who burnt off the days frustration with one another. Such a relationship should never have been able to be classified as gentle.

But, Beau made no move to intensify the kiss or his movements. Instead, he kept one hand steady on her cheek and the other on the small of her back as he languidly kissed her. "I never promised I didn't fight dirty." He murmured during the brief pause.

  

Hovering above him, Eva didn't quite close the gap again completely. She chuckled quietly, shaking her head a little bit. "I was counting on it." The teasing didn't quite match the cadence of their movements, even as she moved back, tossing her hair over her shoulder. If she thought about it, she would realize she was teetering on feelings and she eyed him carefully for a moment.

There was a fine line between the fun they had, to crossing said line and then falling over it entirely. Eva worried more about herself blurring the lines moreso than him, but that kiss had her wondering... She was overthinking it, clearly and in that one moment she thought about, she decided to ignore any extraneous feelings on the matter.

Their nights didn't always have to be a rush and a flurry of limbs and sheets, there was absolutely nothing wrong with taking it slow once in a while. Tossing caution to the wind, she smiled slowly at him, brushing her lips against his jaw gently. To hell with it; she was going to enjoy herself in anyway she saw fit, plus he started it!

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