20 October, 1893 — Melody's Cottage, England

"So I'll be busy most of tomorrow," Ben was saying across the table as he poked around a plate of lunch he was a little too nervous to actually eat. Nora was supposed to have been at the table with them, but she'd dozed off just before. Getting her back on anything like a regular sleep schedule had been difficult, since the dragons; no one seemed to be really clear on how much sleep she needed, so healers always advised them not to wake her up whenever Ben or Melody asked about it, but that meant she kept falling asleep at odd times, sleeping in little bursts, and then being up sporadically all through the night. Someday she'd be back on track, presumably — but she was still healing for now. Maybe. It was hard to put a label on this period, since she was physically just fine, but still wasn't talking. She was traumatized, maybe, but that might be something she didn't recover from, so it was hard to know if what was happening now was healing or not.

"But then I'll plan on being back here on Sunday for most of the morning, and then getting to Hogwarts by the evening so I can spend the night there before my first real day," he continued. He was going to spend Saturday packing up everything from the house he still technically maintained in London — for all that he had hardly been there since Nora was released from St. Mungo's — and ferrying it either to the quarters he'd been allocated on the Hogwarts grounds or to his brother's house to be stored until he needed it again. It would be good to close the door on the London chapter of his life, Ben thought — he'd been optimistic about the move when he'd first found the place, but since the dragons he'd had a hard time feeling at ease anywhere in London. His house hadn't been anywhere near the damage, but being in London at all reminded him of what Nora was going through.

"Everything okay?" he asked with a sudden frown. He'd noticed that Melody hadn't eaten much, either. For him it was excusable, since he'd been doing most of the talking since they sat down, but for her it was decidedly less so. He was braced to hear that she didn't want him to leave — given that they'd been slowly sliding towards something more like a relationship over the past few weeks — but that was an open and shut conversation. This was the job he'd been offered, and he couldn't keep supporting them if he didn't have an income. If he turned it down he could keep looking for something else and they could keep the cottage for another few months, but not much longer than that — and he didn't know what else would turn up, if anything did at all.

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Melody Crouch

  

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MJ made this <3

The disappointment of seeing her cycle appear was far greater than Melody could have anticipated. It was a vain hope to have clung to, especially when she considered how terribly ill pregnancy made her and all the complications it would add to their relationship, but she'd been so excited for a minute to think they might be expanding their family. That even if this all exploded again at least there would be one more little love to love upon.

She was following Ben's chatter as best as she was able, though admittedly she hadn't heard much beyond his plans to head back to pack Saturday. (Another time she'd tell him how grateful she was to not have to face London again any time soon. Later maybe.) Instead, Melody rolled her peas around on the plate distractedly. Not having this conversation last time had been her largest regret, her one change she would make if she could only make one. Nora deserved siblings, especially now. A sibling's bond was unlike any other, a connection only the other could understand.

But, Ben had been so strict on physical intimacy these last few weeks and Melody was terrified to push at any hard lines. What if he interpreted it wrong? What if he was somehow offended by the ask and spun it around that she was trying to ensnare him once more? Melody could cope with a lot, but being made to be the villain for only asking if they might decide to have more children was something she didn’t believe she could handle at present.

She knocked the peas around again, his question the only thing serving to break through her distraction. "Oh, yeah. I'm alright - sorry, just quiet tonight." Not asking about more children was amongst her deepest regrets and their relationship had never faired well with distance. Someone - Arthur, Aldous, Nova - usually pulled him away, filled his ears with half truths that had him become deaf to her. Melody had to ask, had to at least try. A breath, another pea knocked around her plate and then, "would you ever want to have another child with me? Not now - I'm not - not now. Just, one day, maybe?"

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beautiful set by mj

It was clear from the start that something was the matter, even if her words said otherwise, so Ben had expected that if he waited a second or two before responding she would say something; he had not expected her to say that. He nearly dropped his fork, then caught himself and set it down on the table so it wouldn't clatter. At least she'd clarified (twice) that this was a hypothetical question and not an immediate one... they had slept together recently, though only once, so it wouldn't have been entirely out of the realm of possibility. They'd had worse luck before.

"Oh," Ben said, entirely at a loss. Of course he'd thought about having more children before — he'd wanted it intensely at some point during his relationship with Melody, and it was something he'd mourned the loss of when he decided to leave last spring. Remaining married to Melody but separating from her had closed the door on any potential for more children in his future, so it hadn't borne thinking about since then. And even if he had thought about it over the summer, everything had changed now. His relationship with Melody was — different, and maybe not entirely stabilized yet. There was still time for it to heal further, or to crash and burn, and only time would tell which it was. His career situation was different, too — he had a job, but since he hadn't even started it yet he would hardly take bets on whether it was a stable long-term solution — and if it was it would see him away from his family most of the year, whether he was living with Melody or not. And the situation with Nora was still evolving.

"Um," he said, stalling for time, because in short: he had no idea how to answer.

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MJ made this <3

"It's alright. You don't have to answer." Melody quickly supplied. His silence was answer enough, the shock on his face proof that that door had closed. She frowned then, her disappointment as heavy as it was back in January when she realized she'd never get the chance to ask. At least she had that now, even if it wasn't the answer she'd been hoping for.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. You don't need to answer." She said again, dropping her eyes back down to face her plate.

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In the immediate aftermath of hearing her question Ben had only been thinking of his own thoughts and feelings, but as he watched her shoulders sag across the table he reflected on what must have been going on in her mind to drive her to ask the question in the first place. She'd known it was a risky one, that much was clear. She couldn't have layered in any more detractors into the sentence if she'd tried. Not now. Someday. Maybe. She'd been trying to minimize the impact of it from the start, so she had to have expected his reaction wouldn't be positive, but she'd still asked. He hadn't known that she'd wanted another child so badly. In the conversations they'd had before they eloped, she'd talked dismissively or with dread about all of the expectations that would have been placed on her as Mrs. Samuel Saint-Whoever, and he had assumed motherhood was part and parcel to that — another thing she viewed as tying her down and preventing her from doing what she wanted. When she'd tried to take the potion in Paris without even talking to him about it first, that seemed to only confirm his theories on that front. And yes, she had been a good mother to Nora from day one, but that didn't mean she had ever wanted this — and it didn't meant she would have wanted more children.

It must have been desperately lonely, Ben thought. Her life out here. She made the best of it, being close by a friend and going on walks every morning, but it was impossible to disguise that she was picking up the pieces of a broken life. Her family had disowned her, her husband had left her, only a handful of her friends had stayed in contact. Nora was all she had, and now Nora might never speak again.

Ben frowned at his plate. "I've never been very good at predicting the future."

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MJ made this <3

In many ways, their lack of an unified vision for the future felt like the killing blow to all of their various attempts at a loving marriage. Everything was always focused on surviving the immediate future, on minimizing impacts wherever possible - and yes, Melody was intensely aware of all her mistakes that were equally as fatal. But, could they not imagine and hope together? Was a fantasy truly that wrong to cling to?

Still, it was obviously not the right time to have posed the question. Ben was leaving for a new career in the matter of days and Nora had to remain the priority until they knew for sure what her future would hold. Melody was reckless in asking, almost as reckless as she'd been early on in their relationship.

Well, at least she knew the answer now and could move on without the regret of not knowing.

"Yeah," she replied noncommittally. Her every instinct had her wanting to rise from the table and hide away in her room - their room. Only, that was her go to behavior every time things were hard in Irvingly. Melody would retreat and not come back out for what felt like weeks at a time. And, good or bad, she was trying to do better this time. She swallowed against the lump in her throat, they had to movr on from the question of children. "Do you think you'll sleep in London Saturday night? Just so I know whether to expect you or not."

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That seemed to have been the wrong thing to say, too. Ben wasn't sure there were any right things to say in this situation. If there were, he certainly wasn't doing a very good job thinking them through.

"London or Hogwarts," he said with a shrug. He'd be spending Saturday ferrying things between the two locations, and he didn't know how long it would take him to manage everything, but he'd been putting it off long enough that it probably wouldn't go quickly. Though, on the other hand, he didn't have that many things to pack — he'd already done a considerable amount of downsizing when he'd moved out of the Irvingly house earlier this year. He'd been doing his best to slowly build up more things in London, to make the townhome feel lived in, to make it feel like home, but he hadn't made a great deal of progress yet. "It'll probably be a late night. I wouldn't want you waiting up for me," he said. He liked to think Melody had gotten some more sleep with him around than she would have otherwise, but she was still pretty obviously sleep deprived all the time; he didn't want to add to the problem.

"I, uhm —" he started, thinking vaguely of changing the topic to talk about Christmas and holiday plans, but then he got mentally hung up on the question of more children again and left of without knowing what to say.

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MJ made this <3

While she was mildly relieved to know she wouldn't have to spend the night waiting on pins and needles for his arrival, Melody was mostly disappointed to hear they'd have even less time together before he left for school. It was going to be such a dramatic change next week that Melody selfishly wished he'd just abandon the London townhouse altogether in favor of being with them more. Nora certainly would miss having him around everyday again, even if she couldn't say as much. And she had already become reliant on Ben's presence around the cottage. She didn't have to answer every cry and could easily rest whenever he mentioned her having some time for herself. To lose that so abruptly was more daunting than she cared to acknowledge at present.

She waited a minute for him to continue speaking, her paranoia already spewing the worst scenarios imaginable for him to come out with. When the silence continued, Melody frowned and finally ate one of the peas she'd been toying with. Her question had obviously thrown him off and so she felt obligated to forcibly push the conversation forward, however awkward it now felt. "Are you excited to be teaching? Will you be refereeing the games as well?" She knew the answers to both questions already, knew he was likely overjoyed at the prospect of both being seen as responsible enough to be around young children and to have quidditch so thoroughly incorporated into his life again. Still, she forked another pea and looked up at him expectantly.

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He was grateful for her question, because it saved him from trying to recover his train of thought. "Yeah," he agreed. "A little nervous, too, about the teaching part — but it's just flying, I've always had a knack for flying," he said with a shrug. He wouldn't have even applied for a position as an actual professor of an academic class, but flying was only for first years and only covered the basics of how to get around on a broom. Anyone who was a capable flier could probably handle teaching that. And refereeing the Quidditch games and mentoring student Quidditch players during their practices would definitely be something he looked forward to. He'd had a good relationship with the Quidditch coach back when he was in school, and was hoping for similar dynamics when he got there. And he really couldn't argue with the pay, since room and board for him was included — it meant almost his entire income could go towards supporting Melody and Nora, which would leave them comfortable. After the uncertainty of the past few weeks, he really couldn't ask for anything more.

But it was going to be a big adjustment, not seeing the pair of them as often. It was an adjustment that he'd already made once this year, when he left the Irvingly house, so he knew he could do it — but just like before, he wasn't looking forward to cutting ties. At least this time he was on slightly more stable footing with Melody, so their letters might not be so stilted. He assumed she wouldn't hesitate to write him at school, especially if it was about Nora.

"I'll probably be working with some of Nora's future teachers," he pointed out. "Some of those professors stay there forever."

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MJ made this <3

Melody followed along easily, taking bites of her food whenever appropriate despite not having any real appetite anymore. Ben would be a natural with the students once he settled in, of that much she was certain. He was charming beyond measure when he wished to be, something that would likely translate well into teaching. She was happy for him - ecstatic really - that he had found a career to bring him such joy. She only wished he didn't have to go to find it.

"Wouldn't that be something," she chuckled. He likely would be teaching with some of her former professor's too, not that Melody had any inclination to say as much. Her mission at present was to keep the awkwardness at bay, not invite it in with wide open arms. "Maybe you'll be there forever, and then you can teach her too."

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Melody had probably meant that as a positive, but given that Ben had already been thinking about how hard it would be to step back from Nora once again he couldn't help but hear it as a double-edged sword. Maybe he would be gone most of the time from now until she was eleven; maybe he'd only be a fixture of her life at holidays and summer breaks for the next half dozen years. And it shouldn't have stung as much as it did, the idea of it, because he'd been ready to commit to the same kind of division when he'd separated from Melody this spring... but after September, it just hit differently to think he'd be away from his daughter for so long.

"Maybe," he said with a shrug; his tone made it clear he wasn't enthused about the idea. "We'll have to see if Phineas Black can still stand me by May, first." A beat passed where Ben weighed whether he wanted to leave it there to venture into more dangerous waters, and then he said hesitantly: "Some professors have houses in Hogsmeade."

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MJ made this <3

The thought of leaving the cottage — her safe haven after years of feeling lost — so soon after discovering it left Melody with such an intense feeling of dread that she had to keep herself forcibly seated at the table. A house in Hogsmeade meant leaving here and living near Aldous and Roman and her family. A house in Hogsmeade meant no more leisure walks through the country. Everything would change again there, and likely not for the better. Melody couldn't go back to living as they did in Irvingly - she couldn't go back to feeling so desperately miserable all the time.

But, a house in Hogsmeade also meant Ben could come home more often. It meant seeing him more than once or twice a month, his company a more sure thing than a fleeting appearance. Nora would benefit from it, of course, especially seeing as both Aldous and Roman were having children now. Neither of them would hardly stop the cousins from interacting, even if it meant that Melody had to send a nurse with Nora in her place. Everyone would be happier in Hogsmeade — everyone except for Melody.

Perhaps that was to be her penance, though, for having caused so much grief and pain these last three years. Perhaps her misery was the consequence of taking Ben's choices from him time and time again. She slowly put her fork down, any food she managed to swallow now sat like a stone in her stomach. Ben and Nora's happiness - that was what mattered. Melody would always rank herself secondary to them.

"Is that - would you want that?" Melody asked, her throat drier than the deserts they never saw together.

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This felt like another question to which there was no right answer. Ben chewed his lip and looked at his plate. He wanted to see Nora more — that part of the equation was easy — but the idea of asking Melody to move brought a lot of other considerations with it. It was a big lift for her, and even if she was in Hogsmeade he still wouldn't be home most of the time... so it was a big ask for relatively small benefit. And it would have been harder to get away with the sort of thing they were doing now if they were in Hogsmeade. Out in the middle of nowhere, no one knew when Ben came or went; if anyone dropped by he could claim to be visiting Nora, and unless someone went poking in the bedroom drawers and saw that he'd started keeping changes of clothes in one of the drawers Melody wasn't using they wouldn't know any different. If Nora and Melody moved to Hogsmeade he'd probably have to tell his family and friends that they were moving back in with each other, because if he didn't they'd figure it out sooner or later anyway. He suspected Aldous would be disappointed in him. Art would look at him like he was crazy. Ben didn't know if he was ready to take a step to make things public, and more than that, he didn't know if they were ready for that. Things had been gradually getting better, but there had been moments in the past where he'd thought things were getting better. He wouldn't want them moving back to Hogsmeade and him telling everyone they were together again, and weathering all of the disapproving conversations that would bring, only to come back a month later and reveal that everything had blown up in his face once again.

"Well," he said noncommittally. "We should probably see how the job goes, first."

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MJ made this <3

Melody felt as she imagined volcanoes to moments before eruption. Tension coiled in her limbs, frustration bubbled in her blood. What was the point of bringing up such an incredibly loaded question if not to discuss it? At least when she mentioned children it was with the intention of being partners and making decisions together. That he hadn't wanted to discuss it was understandable - that he likely didn't trust her with more children even more so - but why mention Hogsmeade at all then? They were meant to be operating better now, happier even. Surely, Ben had to know how much hurt awaited her in Hogsmeade. Surely, Ben knew what the prying eyes and pressure would do to them.

She wanted - no, needed - to get away from the table, from this conversation, from him. But, that was running and running wasn't conductive to a relationship that had suffered the consequences of running (and staying) far too many times. "Okay." Melody agreed for lack of anything else to say. How was she meant to keep pushing the conversation forward now? Melody couldn't think beyond the roaring in her ears nevermind small talk questions she might ask. "Okay." She repeated again without thinking.

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The tension in the room was palpable. Melody wasn't looking at him, and although she had technically replied she hadn't really said anything.

"You're the one who brought up kids," he said, tone sulky. In terms of huge decisions to make in the future that neither of them were ready to think about yet, he had to think that ranked a little higher on the list than maybe moving to Hogsmeade, someday. It wasn't as though he'd been trying to suggest they pack up and leave tomorrow. He hadn't been trying to suggest anything, really — just something that had crossed his mind, when he thought about the future lately. And if Melody thought they'd be in a good enough place someday that they'd be ready to commit to that, then what was the big deal about living in Hogsmeade, anyway? She'd probably want to be closer, if things were really going well. (Not that things necessarily had to be going well in order for them to have children — things had not been going well at any point prior to Nora's birth, after all).

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MJ made this <3

Having more children and moving were two entirely separate topics to her. Yes, both were impactful and potentially (or rather, obviously) difficult conversations to navigate, but children felt like the safer of the two choices to her. They could be a perfect little family hidden away in the cottage, like something out of a storybook. They couldn't do that in Hogsmeade. Not when Melody would be living in constant fear of who she may run into.

"I know. I'm sorry." She answered, still decidedly not looking at him. "I just - Hogsmeade is - " Melody faltered as she tried to best explain how stressful she found the prospect of living there to be. She didn't want him to think she was saying never because if he asked she'd go, she'd go wherever he wanted if it meant them being a family. "My family is there, Ben. It isn't as simple as moving to be closer to you- I'd move tomorrow if that were the case. Hogsmeade is - it's complicated and overwhelming for me to consider. I'm sorry if my question gave you those same feelings - I wasn't - I'm sorry."

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