To My Favorite Muggle Sniffer,

I don’t see why toast would ruin the experience. If anything, one can only hope that such a low swinging fruit would taste as amazing as some smeared toast! Bless the harlots that are nose diving into such a mess at the brothels if you ask me.

I haven’t been on a boat before but I imagine I would be amazing at it so I doubt we’d need to worry. Have you ever in your days of knowing me seen me just completely fail or fall short when trying something new? Also, your degree of luck towards things doesn’t count in this instance as I know the odds are ever in your favor with anything you even merely attempt to do. Compared to others though I would say I’m a step above the rest! Easily. Plus I bet I could sway some of my more... ‘lonely’ clients into sponsoring our journey should you be willing to undress and get tossed up in the affairs of the lonely hearted.

Wealthy hags of entitlement do come with amusing problems though so I can’t bash them too much. Keeps things interesting to some degree even if it's usually fears of promiscuity that drive their need for me. The odd jobs for drama fishing so they can use the information for social destruction are probably my favorites though, if not a frightening vision of the inner workings of the female mind. But alas, how else would I be able to afford all of the liquor I consume without them? Also, I haven’t the foggiest clue of what you’re speaking of. I am the best son one could ever hope for. I mean, can you imagine a world without me? Literally a walking saint over here for dealing with the woes of the pathetic.

Speaking of which, I’m not sure a mediwizard would be qualified to tackle the forest that probably resides in Rhys’ arse. However, I do enjoy the idea of this harlot debranching mission you speak of. Though perhaps not the knowledge that it would be a delicate procedure. I’m sure we could swindle them into being rougher for the proper amount of money. We should probably prioritize this mission to the utmost importance before Mort takes up prancing about like some adult prefect as well. Can you picture it? Beak up in the air like an absolute tosser with a little badge pinned to him? Picturing it now though I must say he might be the only one who could pull off quite a look. I've written myself a reminder to look into blacksmiths that can make owl sized twit attire.

I find it hard to believe your claims of hard work when you spin around and immediately start gushing about some blonde muggle. However, I will admit that she does sound like quite the lovely little minx while also managing to be enticing on the eyes. Plus a kiss on her own picture for you? Still the slyest dog around aren’t you my old chum!? I imagine by the time this reaches you she’ll have you wrapped around her little gin drinking fingers. I demand updates because we both know you can’t look past a pretty girl once she’s got you talking about her silky hair and big eyes. I have no doubt that I would enjoy American girls. But let's be honest, I enjoy most women that are willing to throw caution to the wind for a night to remember.

Also, you best have been speaking of my mum’s cooking skills when mentioning her biscuits! I'd hate to have to kick your freckled arse the next time we see each other.

Your most thoughtful friend,
Barbs