July 23rd, 1891

You are right, it was traumatizing, though not nearly as traumatizing as the thought of pendulums you so tactlessly bring to mind while I sit enjoying my morning toast. In all honesty, I’d consider taking in stinky Captain Bajorat over the antics of entitled wealthy hags on most days. I would call you a saint for entertaining their causes, but we all know your mother deserves that distinction given all the trouble you’ve caused.  So you’re really just the son of a saint. I do miss your mother’s saintly biscuits.

Though I’m enamored by the thought of boating around the world, we will need to find a suitably wealthy sponsor for the endeavor. I already anticipated being the one who needs to navigate, don’t you worry. Though have you ever been on a boat at all? You ought to test your sea legs. On the journey over here, I stood on deck with a lovely Miss Parsay most mornings and felt rather encumbered by her need to endlessly vomit overboard. By our arrival, she was about half the size she once was. It is not for everyone.

I wish I could say that I am surprised to hear that Rhys is in poor condition. Should he not get his arse checked by qualified mediwizards one day? Surely one of your clients can refer you to a specialist? Otherwise, we will have no choice. I have heard that harlots are surprisingly successful at such delicate arse retrieval methods as well. It would be my pleasure to pitch in for this urgent matter. It really is devastating that his condition has now started to even affect dear Mort. Watch out, it seems contagious enough that you may be next.

I’ll also have you know that I have been legitimately busy sorting out all the business with guests. Arnold has gotten on with age since you saw him last. This has made him almost unbearably picky with matters of matching little flowers and umbrellas with the cravats and spangled banners.

In any case, you know your man can’t stay far from a sporting good time. The most gorgeous miss decided to spend most evenings with me at the bar these last few days. She’s got silky golden hair and eyes so big and blue you can swim in them. Here is a photo from the newspaper that recently featured her debut, you see here the lipstick kiss she left on it for me? This devilish little bird. She has a sassy American accent and a tinkling little laugh. I keep telling you, I think you would like the American girls. This one likes to drink gin and play cards. Did I mention she’s gorgeous? One small snag though, she’s a muggle. But in my humble experience, gin is the perfect remedy to make anyone more open-minded.

Don’t worry, it’s all in good fun. I’m done with falling in love.

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