5 July, 1891
In all seriousness, before I give you an answer I think I owe you an explanation, and before I can give you an explanation I have to make a bit of an admission. This might seem irrelevant but reserve judgement on that until you've read it all the way through because I don't believe it is.
The admission: I don't believe I ever lied to you when we first started talking in March but I certainly misled you when it comes to my relationship with my family. I suppose I wanted you to like me, and I thought you might like me better if I seemed independent and aloof, so I spoke as though my siblings were a burden. And they are — being responsible for them and their futures is almost more than I can manage, sometimes. But I would do anything for them, and I love them, and if there ever came a moment where I thought I had to choose between my own happiness and theirs, I would choose theirs. So I think that's important for you to know; my choices aren't my own, sometimes. At least not mine entirely.
The explanation: when we first started seeing each other I thought this didn't mean anything, and that you were just looking for someone to fool around with, and I thought I could manage that. Because if that was all it was, then the only thing it's taking is time. I could be present with you when we were together but as soon as I left I could devote all my time and effort to my family and it wouldn't make much of an impact on my life, overall. And then you kept doing all these things that hinted that I was wrong about it, that maybe it was more, but I never thought to wonder if it really was, on your end. I thought that was just how you were, and this was still just physical for you, and sometime soon you were going to get tired of me and move on. That was alright when I'd thought I could stay detached from it all, but obviously I couldn't, and it all came to a head the night we were interrupted and I ended up sitting across from my brother in our parlor wearing your pants and so spun-up I could barely get through a conversation with him. And I thought: Merlin, if this is how I feel after a month, what's going to happen in three months or six months when you're through with me? What's going to happen if I fall in love with you and you break my heart? What's going to happen if my family needs me and I'm not holding myself together well enough to be there for them?
And it's not as though I could tell you that and make you promise not to break my heart. That's just not how it works. But now — after that conversation at the ball and after your letter — at least I think it's clear that you don't want to, and I think that's enough.
So, the answer: yes, I want to go places with you and spend time with you. You're right that if we're careful about it no one will mind how often we're seen together. I think we ought to decide right now not to kiss anywhere besides your bedroom, even if we think no one's near enough to see. Just to be careful. On that note: does the house in Inverness ever have anti-apparition charms? I wouldn't want to use the floo if there was a chance of running into your parents or brothers and having to explain myself. I know we apparated there before but I wasn't sure if I'll still be able to in the future.
F. Greengrass
PS: it may not be a sonnet but I so appreciated what you said in your letter. Thank you for writing it. I've missed you.
Set by Lady!