Zelda's reassurance did not seem especially reassuring considering the words that followed. She was not trying to replace Ari, no matter what it looked like. If she'd wanted to replace him she would've tried to find someone who could fill in the gaps that Ari couldn't fill, right? Not someone who could give her less. Ben didn't make her feel less lonely, Ben didn't care for her and that was - fine, truly, because that's not why she'd contacted him to begin with. So no, she told herself, she wasn't try to replace Ari.
... Or was she? The fear lingered, a weight on her chest despite her efforts to convince herself otherwise. What if she ever did try to replace Ari? What if she met someone who loved her and gave her attention and thought her son was just as cute as everyone else did? Ari wanted her to find the happiness he couldn't give her, and if that meant having an affair he would turn a blind eye, but what if a simple romance turned into something more? She could not break Ari's heart, and Elliott was his heart. She couldn't see herself trying to pretend Ari did not exist, living a separate life with another man outside her marriage who Elliott grew to view as a paternal figure, but months ago she would have never envisioned herself talking to Elliott's biological father nd lying to Ari about it.
Maybe she was a bad person. Maybe she was untrustworthy. Maybe she couldn't even trust herself.
And that was the scary part; she'd always been able to trust her own head, but now she didn't know who she was. She was sitting here, misleading Zelda, making it seem like she'd merely been writing letters to Ben when she'd had him in her house. But the scariest part of all was that, even though she did not want to lie to Ari and she did not want to be a terrible person, she knew she would not stop writing to Ben. It was only a matter of how to work around her obstacles and that was - truly terrible of her.
"Elliott is keeping our marriage together, Zelda," she whispered. It was a vague revelation, but not a lie. She didn't want to lie to Zelda anymore, even if she had to withhold certain things to keep everything from shattering. He would divorce me and take Elliott and I would be ruined and jobless and worse than if I would have never married him at all," she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure any of those things were true. In fact, she was almost certain Ari had explicitly stated otherwise—but that was when she'd been the innocent one, and he'd been giving her a chance to leave. If he was mad, if she was the one hurting him, who knew if the conditions would change?
... Or was she? The fear lingered, a weight on her chest despite her efforts to convince herself otherwise. What if she ever did try to replace Ari? What if she met someone who loved her and gave her attention and thought her son was just as cute as everyone else did? Ari wanted her to find the happiness he couldn't give her, and if that meant having an affair he would turn a blind eye, but what if a simple romance turned into something more? She could not break Ari's heart, and Elliott was his heart. She couldn't see herself trying to pretend Ari did not exist, living a separate life with another man outside her marriage who Elliott grew to view as a paternal figure, but months ago she would have never envisioned herself talking to Elliott's biological father nd lying to Ari about it.
Maybe she was a bad person. Maybe she was untrustworthy. Maybe she couldn't even trust herself.
And that was the scary part; she'd always been able to trust her own head, but now she didn't know who she was. She was sitting here, misleading Zelda, making it seem like she'd merely been writing letters to Ben when she'd had him in her house. But the scariest part of all was that, even though she did not want to lie to Ari and she did not want to be a terrible person, she knew she would not stop writing to Ben. It was only a matter of how to work around her obstacles and that was - truly terrible of her.
"Elliott is keeping our marriage together, Zelda," she whispered. It was a vague revelation, but not a lie. She didn't want to lie to Zelda anymore, even if she had to withhold certain things to keep everything from shattering. He would divorce me and take Elliott and I would be ruined and jobless and worse than if I would have never married him at all," she wanted to say, but she wasn't sure any of those things were true. In fact, she was almost certain Ari had explicitly stated otherwise—but that was when she'd been the innocent one, and he'd been giving her a chance to leave. If he was mad, if she was the one hurting him, who knew if the conditions would change?
