I'd quite forgotten this existed. Reading what I had written three years ago and the worries I had then, now they seem so minor. Maybe in another three years my worries now will seem minor as well, but for now they seem so big. That is why I dug this out of the bottom of my trunk for I feel as if I have no one to talk to but everything is bubbling up inside my head and it has been so long that I just need to get it out. I'm not sure if it will help, but it I have to try. If anything maybe it will help me organize my thoughts even if I can't find a solution.

It is just . . . well everything feels so wrong. My friends and I, we've been friends since first year. I thought we would always be friends but now I am not so sure anymore. Last year Sloane and Cammie always fought so we were always tiptoeing around them but this year now they've stopped and you'd think that I would be happy about that and I am but now everything else is wrong. Sloane and Cam seem closer than ever, they seem to close and I am wprried that I am loosing my best friend now.

I've known Sloane longer than I can remember. We've always just been friends - no questions asked. She told me everything and I told her. But now I can tell she's keeping something from me. I think she thinks I can't tell, but I've known Sloane for nearly thirteen years. I can tell when she is keeping something from me even now that her hair doesn't tell me. She seems like she's always walking on ice, scared of saying or doing the wrong thing and now I feel that too.

Sisse as well. I can tell she and Sloane got in a fight. They go out of their way to avoid each other now. They claim they aren't but we all know they are. Sisse and Cam are awkward too, but I'm not sure if that is because Cam was involved in Sisse and Sloane's fight or if he feels as id he has to take Sloane's side. They always were closer. I told her the other day she could talk to me if something was wrong but she just moved on to something else.

Even Alice and Sisse seem to be tiptoeing around each other but I can't tell why. I don't think they are mad at each other but something there changed as well.

I'm worried about everything falling apart. I'm jealous that Sloane won't tell me what happened. That Sisse won't either. I think Sisse told Alice more than she told me. Do they not trust me? I want to help but how can I help if I don't even know what is wrong?! I think I am mad too. Even more than I'm worried and I'm jealous and possibly mad . . . I'm scared.

I'm scared of what is going to happen. I'm scared I'm going to loose my friends. I'm scared they don't trust me. I'm scared of being left out.

I'm scared of not being good enough.

I've started trying to hand out with some other people. I think I'm trying to protect myself. If I distance myself from my friends then they can't hurt me, right? I just don't know what to do anymore.

Calla Potts