Of course she didn’t. Nor would she understand when he came clean about everything. Already there was a knot of fear in his gut that said to him better to have pretended. He could have kissed her. He could have done that.
But it would still be lying to her, and he did not want to fathom the idea that she might think there was some possibility of an attachment - a real attachment, the kind of love that everyone wanted of marriage - forming over time between them. And they were married, after all. The least they could have was honesty.
“Before we married, I was in love with someone,” Ari said quietly, and swallowed. “I had been in love with them for a very long time.” He closed his eyes for a fleeting moment, trying to capture the comfortable peace he had been feeling earlier this evening, putting Elliott to bed, pretending everything was perfect before the feeling fled, maybe forever. Perhaps she would want to leave. To be divorced. Perhaps she would never speak to him again.
“But they didn’t feel the same, and even if they had - there was never any chance of getting married, not in the circumstances. I never meant to marry at all, but - I was so tired of feeling alone, and then you came along and I thought there might even be some good in it.” His hand curled into a fist behind his neck, fingernails digging into skin.
“But I shouldn’t have done that to you, because I’m still in love with someone else and I always will be -” and Ben loved him back which made it so much worse, but how could he have backed out on the day of the wedding? What would Dionisia have done then? “and I know it’s not fair to you, but I just - can’t keep lying.”
But it would still be lying to her, and he did not want to fathom the idea that she might think there was some possibility of an attachment - a real attachment, the kind of love that everyone wanted of marriage - forming over time between them. And they were married, after all. The least they could have was honesty.
“Before we married, I was in love with someone,” Ari said quietly, and swallowed. “I had been in love with them for a very long time.” He closed his eyes for a fleeting moment, trying to capture the comfortable peace he had been feeling earlier this evening, putting Elliott to bed, pretending everything was perfect before the feeling fled, maybe forever. Perhaps she would want to leave. To be divorced. Perhaps she would never speak to him again.
“But they didn’t feel the same, and even if they had - there was never any chance of getting married, not in the circumstances. I never meant to marry at all, but - I was so tired of feeling alone, and then you came along and I thought there might even be some good in it.” His hand curled into a fist behind his neck, fingernails digging into skin.
“But I shouldn’t have done that to you, because I’m still in love with someone else and I always will be -” and Ben loved him back which made it so much worse, but how could he have backed out on the day of the wedding? What would Dionisia have done then? “and I know it’s not fair to you, but I just - can’t keep lying.”
