Ari let out a heavy breath of his own, unconsciously thumbing the spine of the book he was holding as she spoke as if it would settle his nerves somehow.
She would not be opposed. His wife had been expecting it then, to live as they should; and he should hardly be surprised, because of course, once a little time had passed from the mistake that had gotten her into this mess, she would not want to be alone forever. Who would?
Until a few short hours before the wedding, Ari had expected he would be alone forever. He had accepted that and committed to it and had been ready to live the life he had offered her, ready to settle for anything, pretend for the rest of his existence - and then Ben’s confession had upended everything, scattered the plan, abruptly shattered the world into something else.
And now he was happier than he deserved and in being so, he had possibly ruined Dionisia’s life more than he had helped it, and there was no way he could undo it all.
Soberly, he set the book back down on the shelf. Then he lifted his hand and gently let it come to rest at the side of her head, curling lightly into her hair for a moment, shifting down to almost cup her cheek. The fondness in it was real, but the touch had been almost experimental. He could kiss her now, perhaps. He could sleep with her and pretend it was for her sake, to stave off the loneliness - even though he was the guilty one here, and had trapped her in this for his sake.
“I -” Ari let go and stepped away, grasping instead at the back of his neck in discomfort and coming to lean on the back of his bedroom door, assuring himself that it had to be now, it had better be now. He did not want to use her any more, did not want to have more things to be guilty about. He fought the urge to bury his face in his hands, because she would have seen his turmoil now and it wasn’t fair to delay any longer. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I owe you an explanation,” Ari said, trying to look up to at least have the decency to meet her gaze.
“But first, please know,” Ari said, his brow creased in contrition, “that - I never meant for you to be lonely. I never meant for it to happen like this.” He was supposed to have been lonely.
She would not be opposed. His wife had been expecting it then, to live as they should; and he should hardly be surprised, because of course, once a little time had passed from the mistake that had gotten her into this mess, she would not want to be alone forever. Who would?
Until a few short hours before the wedding, Ari had expected he would be alone forever. He had accepted that and committed to it and had been ready to live the life he had offered her, ready to settle for anything, pretend for the rest of his existence - and then Ben’s confession had upended everything, scattered the plan, abruptly shattered the world into something else.
And now he was happier than he deserved and in being so, he had possibly ruined Dionisia’s life more than he had helped it, and there was no way he could undo it all.
Soberly, he set the book back down on the shelf. Then he lifted his hand and gently let it come to rest at the side of her head, curling lightly into her hair for a moment, shifting down to almost cup her cheek. The fondness in it was real, but the touch had been almost experimental. He could kiss her now, perhaps. He could sleep with her and pretend it was for her sake, to stave off the loneliness - even though he was the guilty one here, and had trapped her in this for his sake.
“I -” Ari let go and stepped away, grasping instead at the back of his neck in discomfort and coming to lean on the back of his bedroom door, assuring himself that it had to be now, it had better be now. He did not want to use her any more, did not want to have more things to be guilty about. He fought the urge to bury his face in his hands, because she would have seen his turmoil now and it wasn’t fair to delay any longer. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, and I owe you an explanation,” Ari said, trying to look up to at least have the decency to meet her gaze.
“But first, please know,” Ari said, his brow creased in contrition, “that - I never meant for you to be lonely. I never meant for it to happen like this.” He was supposed to have been lonely.
