There was something still more painful in their expressions now that he had said it, but – it was not as though he could take it back, when everything was already in motion. Ari couldn’t bring himself to try and hold their gaze, not now, but he also could not allow himself to look away, in case. In case this was the last time he saw them. Forever, or for a very long time.
But they were asking about visiting, which gave him a burst of hope he had been too afraid to harbour until now. So – maybe not the last time at all. Ari’s mouth trembled slightly at his brother’s words, though, because without condemnation meant nothing if they didn’t have the answers to their questions. What could he say, though? Surely the less he said the better. And, he had supposed, if he had to present his problems to them, at least he could do so hand in hand with a solution, so that they – did not have to worry about him.
He nodded, tentative. But – “I would understand,” he said slowly, working past the lump forming in his throat, “if you didn’t want to – to see me that way. To see me there.” Ari wasn’t convinced he wanted them to – once witnessed, it felt as though they would probably never see him the same way again. “But I’d,” he fought down the urge to choke and some sickening surge of nerves at his decision; swallowed them; smiled weakly; “of course I’d like if you wrote to me.”
But they were asking about visiting, which gave him a burst of hope he had been too afraid to harbour until now. So – maybe not the last time at all. Ari’s mouth trembled slightly at his brother’s words, though, because without condemnation meant nothing if they didn’t have the answers to their questions. What could he say, though? Surely the less he said the better. And, he had supposed, if he had to present his problems to them, at least he could do so hand in hand with a solution, so that they – did not have to worry about him.
He nodded, tentative. But – “I would understand,” he said slowly, working past the lump forming in his throat, “if you didn’t want to – to see me that way. To see me there.” Ari wasn’t convinced he wanted them to – once witnessed, it felt as though they would probably never see him the same way again. “But I’d,” he fought down the urge to choke and some sickening surge of nerves at his decision; swallowed them; smiled weakly; “of course I’d like if you wrote to me.”
