Hudson took a step back and Don Juan felt something like panic swell up inside him. Hudson backing off was the right answer, the logical answer, but there was a reason Don Juan hadn't found the words to return his last letter yet. He wasn't ready to kill the fantasy; wasn't ready to bury the past.
"It's —" he started, with a note of desperation. It's not that I wouldn't want to. In ogni vita. He ached for it; ached for someone to love him like Hudson had when they had been together. Enough time had passed that he could lie to himself about it most of the time, but the letters had poked open old wounds — and he'd never really been over him, anyway. Not deep down. But time had passed and Don Juan had learned things about life, and about himself. He had tried to devote himself body and soul to making someone happy, contorting himself to fit all the gaps in her life, becoming the romantic hero for her sake that he had secretly dreamed of being since a child. And all of his efforts meant nothing for her in the end; she was ruined, now, exiled from society and trapped in a marriage with a husband who hated her but did not respect her enough to let her leave. Don Juan had done that — his good intentions, falling flat, turning sour. And in Spain he had met someone who knew nothing about him, and he had tried to keep his distance, sure he would only hurt her, until eventually she wore down his defenses and he allowed himself to think she was his second chance. A chance to do things right, maybe, sidestep the problems he'd had before. She wasn't married to someone who neglected her. Don Juan hadn't had access to any of his usual vices in Spain. It was a level playing field, or as level of one as he had come across since being a teenager, and he had ruined that too in the end. Ruined her life as well, and twisted her heart on his way out. It was what he did — this was what he left behind him when he left. Disaster. Hudson knew that. Still drinking himself into a stupor while Don Juan was being challenged to duels; picking himself up while Don Juan flounced off to Spain. Hudson knew the risks and Hudson wanted to be stupid, but Don Juan couldn't stomach the thought of ruining the same person twice.
"— I haven't changed," he admitted, feeling raw.
"It's —" he started, with a note of desperation. It's not that I wouldn't want to. In ogni vita. He ached for it; ached for someone to love him like Hudson had when they had been together. Enough time had passed that he could lie to himself about it most of the time, but the letters had poked open old wounds — and he'd never really been over him, anyway. Not deep down. But time had passed and Don Juan had learned things about life, and about himself. He had tried to devote himself body and soul to making someone happy, contorting himself to fit all the gaps in her life, becoming the romantic hero for her sake that he had secretly dreamed of being since a child. And all of his efforts meant nothing for her in the end; she was ruined, now, exiled from society and trapped in a marriage with a husband who hated her but did not respect her enough to let her leave. Don Juan had done that — his good intentions, falling flat, turning sour. And in Spain he had met someone who knew nothing about him, and he had tried to keep his distance, sure he would only hurt her, until eventually she wore down his defenses and he allowed himself to think she was his second chance. A chance to do things right, maybe, sidestep the problems he'd had before. She wasn't married to someone who neglected her. Don Juan hadn't had access to any of his usual vices in Spain. It was a level playing field, or as level of one as he had come across since being a teenager, and he had ruined that too in the end. Ruined her life as well, and twisted her heart on his way out. It was what he did — this was what he left behind him when he left. Disaster. Hudson knew that. Still drinking himself into a stupor while Don Juan was being challenged to duels; picking himself up while Don Juan flounced off to Spain. Hudson knew the risks and Hudson wanted to be stupid, but Don Juan couldn't stomach the thought of ruining the same person twice.
"— I haven't changed," he admitted, feeling raw.
![[Image: 0hYxCaj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/0hYxCaj.png)
MJ made this <3