What did it feel like? Cash huffed out a breath. "Sometimes when I'm doing something that should be natural, should be fine, it's like — there's always fear," he said. He was watching Ford intently, but not making eye contact — once he'd explained the problem, the root of it, it was easier to talk about.

"And then sometimes it's like time falls away from me and — I'm somewhere else. My body isn't mine. Or I'm somewhen else and I can't keep anything straight or tell what's real and what isn't," he said. He swallowed. He looked down at his hand. It had been a longtime since he'd heard something that wasn't there, but he still couldn't always be sure what was real and what wasn't, if he was real. He thought longingly about Theo, even as he was remembering the way that sometimes when Theo would touch him he would half-feel as if he was dunked in a bucket of nerves.

"I haven't been eating."