There weren’t many times that Gus was at a loss for words, but as he listened to Foxwood speak he found his throat dry and his mind empty. It was everything he wanted to hear, mostly, because wanting someone only to be rejected hurt more than he could explain; he had run with his tail between his legs so he could regroup, rebuild himself so he wouldn’t break. It hadn't worked in the end because he could feel himself starting to crumble. The whiplash that was Basil Foxwood hurt both mentally and emotionally, as Gus was always unsure where he stood with him; lines had been blurred but all he could do was push away hope because people like him didn’t deserve people like Foxwood. He deserved a life of living alone because that's what people like him did.

It was unfair of Gus to think he could drag him down the path for the damned for sinning in ways that he alone wanted; maybe it was his fault for confusing Foxwood to begin with and it was his job to place him back on the right path. He should be worried about courting and marriage and children rather than deciding if he wanted Gus or not. He closed his eyes and sighed softly; the brunette probably liked the idea of him but nothing more, because he’d already bared everything he had to him, and been met with nothing in return.

Unnatural. Abomination. Incapable.

He would bear those words alone because it seemed fair, as he had no right to offer Foxwood that life decision in the first place. Gus knew he was something else – a daydream, a what if, something – and whatever the man thought he was feeling wasn’t real. He either wanted him or didn’t. It was an either or, yes or no. Hell, he could pick flower petals to play I love him or love him not and get a better answer than his brain could give. At least he'd be able to see that too. Whatever Foxwood was saying wasn’t true no matter how much he wanted them to be; he wondered if he was nothing more than a distraction to him, used to shield him from the world and then tossed away when he could finally stand on his own again.

Gus sighed softly. “I don’t either.” He finally admitted, the words cracking the silence. “I’m worth more than being here for your convenience. I know that.” His fingers tugged at his hair as he glanced at the ground; the admission was odd and he hated how the words sounded coming from his mouth. He’d waited a decade to hear that he was wanted. Rejecting him almost felt like a slap in the face.

“But I love…” No, Foxwood would yell at him if he finished that sentence.

I care…” No, that either.

“I want…” You too.

Gusc cleared his throat as he shook his head. “Friends stick by each other no matter how rough it gets. And we’re friends, Foxwood, remember? Even if we’re never anything more, I care about you, and I want to be there for you.” He licked his lips as his fingers fiddled with the edge of his sleeve “I’m not going to tell you how you feel about me because that’s for you to figure out, but this constant back and forth needs to stop until you do.” He was breaking his own heart. His fingers paused against the fabric before he finally lifted his gaze to stare into the beautiful grey hues. They reflected with something that Gus would have given his last breath to see, but Basil Foxwood only loved the idea of him.

“But as your friend, I’ll wait until you're finished.” His voice cracked but he kept his gaze on him.

He wanted to wash the words out of his mouth. Or rip his heart out and scream.

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