With their bodies flush together, Fallon had little choice but to hook her legs around his back, lest they dangle awkwardly to the sides. Besides, the added closeness only pulled her further from the mounting guilt. The separation wasn't happening while his hands were on her body. Their goodbye was hours from now when his mouth moved along her jaw as it was. All there was was now, and, for once, it was all that mattered.

Fallon's ankles hooked tighter together around his bottom and her arms held onto his neck as they moved to, what she assumed was, his bedroom. She used his distraction as an opportunity to mouth along his neck, stopping just shy of marking him in a few spots. In another life, he would've been hers to do as she pleased. All her auror training in concealment could've been applied to hiding their love making. And, it would've been just that — love.

Her back hit the softness of his bed and she wasted no time in pulling him down as well. If she weren't adamantly avoiding the thought of leaving, Fallon would've tugged at his shirt for it to be removed. But, once this was over that was it. She would hide her embarrassment and pain by getting dressed and she would leave. Her kiss grew more intense as the thought of leaving hit her once again, her hands still heavy on his back.

I love you, Fallon yearned to say. I'm so sorry.

  

The move to the bedroom was a strange punctuation to the situation, just a pause to avoid the inevitable. Thankful for the dark, as the regret was bound to be clear on his face mixed with the desire and the affection. If this was going to be it, he was determined to make it last, worth the risk and the regret.

He lowered her gently to the mattress, following easily as she pulled him in, the tone of the kiss sending a surge through his system. The intensity gave him some satisfaction that he wasn't alone in his feelings, that this was just as hard for her as it was for him, and it edged out the guilt completely. The mistake was a mutual one, if nothing else. He couldn't feel guilty about that, even if in a few hours time she would be gone.

Without breaking the kiss, he moved to slowly undo the buttons on her shirt, needing to feel the warmth of skin against his hands. He wanted to memorize every inch of her this one time. Tugging it free of the waistband of her pants, he let his hands wander beneath the fabric, skimming his fingertips along her skin before sliding one arm beneath her again. Gently he pulled her up toward him so he could slide the top away altogether, finally breaking the kiss to let his lips wander where his hands had been previously.

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She knew from their few shared kisses that Jesse was.experienced, but she hadn't anticipated the gentleness with which he treated her. Fallon thought the grief would push him forward, as it had with Lachlan, and make their experience passionate and quick. Although she would never be able to tell him, Fallon found herself grateful for the gentle touch, for the few extra minutes before the crack between them became an uncrossable divide.

A surprised gasp escaped her as Jesse moved down her body. Merlin. Fallon stayed laying flat on his bed and ran her fingers lightly through his hair. His mouth on her felt incredible, moreso than she thought sex could be. The soreness the aggressive act she and Lachlan had endured had only fully dissipated earlier that day, and the painful stretch had distracted her from wondering what possibilites lie ahead of them. Now, Fallon's thoughts were racing with ideas, but none of them contained her lighter haired lover.

Unsure of what to do with herself now that kissing was no longer an option, Fallon contented herself with watching his movements with a lidded eyes and a slightly slacked jaw. Beneath him, her thighs widened to grant him more room.

  

Each sound that escaped her lips only pushed him onward, the heaviness of the situation was not lost on him, but he knew that he couldn't stop now. Jess paused only briefly, leaning back to undo the top buttons of his own shirt and pull it off over his head. Efficient, even if a little less fun. His whole body ached to feel that her soft skin against his and as he leaned down again, this time to kiss her, their bodies met without anything between them for the first time. Goosebumps erupted along his arms even as he held himself tight against her, trying to push down the rising urgency.

Time, he wanted time and he was going to take it, damn it.

It was a good thing he was distracted by desires as waves of other emotions hit him again and again, but he pushed through them, determined to make the most of this moment. His hands brushed  along her body again, pausing here and there to give attention to certain spots, fingers kneading into her skin until he reached the closure of her pants. Jess wasn't used to leading the way with her, he'd usually left the pace at which they moved up to her, but as he was pretty certain he had more experience here, he was obviously more comfortable with how to proceed. Merlin he just hoped she stopped him if she wanted to.

Loosening the closure, he looked up her briefly for any sign she wanted him to stop, but only for a moment before he removed the rest of her clothing in one easy tug. His could wait a moment. There was just enough dim light from the window to get a decent look and it pained him more than he would have cared to admit that this would be the first and only time he'd get to see her like this.

Still he was determined to make it last for as long as he could and so he returned to his slow torture of wandering lips and hands, running his palms over her thighs, her hips, any of the exposed skin that he could as he sought her lips again his his.

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Even in the dim moonlight Fallon could plainly see that Jesse was as beautiful as she fantasized, if not more. If only, if only, if only. Fallon welcomed the distraction of his kiss, her back arching into his to further meld their bodies together. A millimeter of space was too much in times like these, any gap felt as wide as a mile.

Her nails raked down his back once again before toying with the hem of his pants, wanting all layers of clothing gone and forgotten now. Fallon wouldn't rush the actual act, wouldn't press him to move any faster than they presently were. This was all they had left, everything after this was heartbreak and misery. Fallon wanted every last second she could have, however cruel it made her out to be.

Fallon met his eyes but couldn't distinguish the emotions warring in them in the darkness. She didn't want to, either. Asking foolish questions like are you alright? would put a swift end to things, because no. Neither of them was fucking alright. Neither of them would be alright for a long time. Merlin, she despised herself for this mess.

Her touch resumed its exploratory wandering, grazing gently over the spots where she knew he was recently injured. She remembered wanting to kiss them better while he was in the hospital, if only.

  

If only this was another lifetime, they would have the leisure and the leeway to truly take their time, to get to know one another in the most intimate way possible, but this was all they were going to have and it was hard to forget, even as the desire built up. That look she gave him right before he'd kissed her again said it all and he understood; this was the last act of their love story.

Pouring himself into the kiss, smiling gently against her lips at feeing her hands at the waistband of his trousers, but he knew if those were lost, things would progress too quickly after that, and he wasn't ready for it to be over. Fortunately for both of them he was prepared to delay the inevitable with a good distraction or two. Slowly he inched back, nudging her head to the side as he once again dipped lower on her body. His lips found the swell of her breast as one hand moved along her side, over her hip. He had no idea if this was her first time or not, but he was determined to make it as enjoyable and as memorable as possible. Jess was pretty sure he'd never forget the way her hands felt on his skin or the way her nails carved marks in his back, the comfortable feeling of being snuggled up together or the softness of her lips.

This wasn't about him though, and so he pressed on, ignoring the mounting desire in his own body to bring her the most pleasurable experience that he could. Gently he skimmed his fingertips along her inner thigh, higher and higher until he pressed against her core, fingers exploring the most sensitive spots tentatively, riding on her reactions before he made any more moves.

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   Fallon Gillespie

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At first, Fallon didn't understand what was happening. She had a rudimentary knowledge of sex from Lachlan and her poorer upbringing, but no one ever thought to warn her about this. Fallon pushed up on her elbows for a second to look at him quizzically as his fingers trailed further down her body, over the apex of her thighs and, finally, her most intimate parts.

A gasp turned into a soft whimper as his fingers moved over the top of her opening. Fallon was torn between wanting to watch his ministrations and falling back to trust him implicitly with her body. Jesse apparently knew the workings there better than her, and, even if they wouldn't work in the long run, that trust in him would never fade. In the end, her elbows dropped from beneath her and Fallon laid back with her head upon his pillow.

(Later, she would wonder what choice would've been made had they done this before that fateful night with Lachlan. Not because it was shaping up to be more pleasurable — which it was — but because she couldn't envision life without Jesse in this moment.)

Her hands reached forward to grip his arms, the only part of him she could feasibly reach without scrunching forward. "Jess-" she tried to plead with him quietly for more, but couldn't form a coherent thought past his name.

  

Over the next few minutes he watched her carefully, every reaction driving his own desire. The satisfaction of seeing her in the throes of of pleasure was something else he was unlikely to forget.

That one little gasp of his name was really all it took for him to lose the last bit of restraint he'd been clinging to.

Slowly he pulled back, still trying not to rush, though his body ached to move forward, he untied the his pants and moved back enough to get them off, loathing every second of detachment from her body. Fortunately it wasn't long before he covered hers again, tangling his fingers in her hair.

The kiss this time was tinted with the rising desperation he felt as things neared the inevitable. He couldn't stop now though, leaning back to look her in the eyes one more time as he settled himself more firmly between her legs.

The words he wished hey could say threatened to spill out and knowing he couldn't, all he could do was kiss her again, more softly than before. The motion of moving forward brought his hips fully against hers, sliding into her easily though again he waited on her reaction once more before continuing on.

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She whined needily as all contact between their bodies was lost. It was a pathetic sound, really, one that Fallon would've scowled at herself for making were she in her right mind. Her right mind was abandoned two whiskies and a hundred kisses ago, lost alongside their hopes and dreams for the future.

Another time, Fallon would've forced him onto his back so that she could memorize every inch of him. They would've spent hours on their sides, hands roaming freely as if they had all the time in the world. But, the hourglass was nearly out of sand. Only precious few grains remained, and she wasn't about to waste them by pleading with him to slow down.

Every kissed shared was another word she couldn't say, another apology for the broken promises, another plead for him to somehow change her mind (again). None would be heard or granted, she knew, so Fallon took to committing every piece of him she could to memory. The way his hair felt between her fingers, the feel of his chest against hers. How her legs seemed to lock so perfectly around his waist.

Fallon stilled against him as he entered her. The stretch was still too unfamiliar to be anything but initially painful. She slowed her breathing and focused on kissing him slowly but passionately instead. Eventually, the pain subsided and her hands began to move again, her nails digging into him every so often as his thrusts generated a surge of pleasure.

  

Keeping the pace slow, he waited her out, thankful for the delay really. He was still unsure as to whether this was her first time or not, but either way, it didn't take long before he got the indication that things had moved on to pleasurable instead of uncomfortable.

It was hard to keep things steady, to not rush onward like his body craved to do, but somehow he managed. Her nails digging into his back made it difficult. If only he had time to get to know what really drove her crazy, what got to her the most, but tonight was all he had, this one time to try and connect the dots and make it unforgettable. He held himself up with one hand, the other brushed her wild hair from her face, tangling his fingers in it gently, so he could brush his lips against her racing pulse.

The onslaught of emotions mixed with pleasure as his body reacted for him, increasing the pace ever so slightly as he let that free hand wander down to her thigh, pulling her hips tighter against his to change the angle just enough to hopefully give him a few more minutes. As easy as he tried to go, everything was hitting him all at once and he knew he wouldn't last much longer.

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She tried to keep her vocalizations to a minimum, too afraid of breaking the trance to be truly free with him. A gasp here, a short whimper there, never enough for her. it was all she could do not to moan incoherent words throughout the motions or to spew all sorts of nonsense about love and how good he made her feel. Not only with sex, either, but in general. Jesse's support had made her soar, and now she was freefalling back to the ground again.

One hand remained over his shoulder, her fingers gripping tight as the angle and pace changed. This time, as he moved against her Fallon couldn't help the loud moan that escaped past her resolve. Deciding to be embarrassed about it later, she cupped his cheek with her free hand and brought their lips back together. If this was going to end, it was going to end with them as connected as they could be. Her fingers were light on his cheek before moving towards his ear to tug on his hair.

"Jess," she moaned again, the only signal she could manage for her impending peak.

  

Hissing out an approval when she tugged on his hair, spurring him on with each gasp and moan, the subsequent kiss was edged with emotions he couldn't bring himself to focus on. They climbed higher and higher and Jess knew the fall was going to ruin him, but it was too late now.

In another lifetime he'd have been able to tease her later about getting so loud, about how much he enjoyed it, how he'd like to rise to the occasion again, but instead he put everything he had into that kiss before his own breath came in short pants.

The kiss broke and that last utterance of his name went straight through him as he felt the shift in the moment, the whirlwind of emotions staving off his own climax for a moment or two longer, but not long enough. Everything was coming to an end, and he still wasn't ready. Too bad for him, his body wouldn't cooperate, as with one last push he fell over the edge, every muscle in his body coming down from the sensations as he moved so he could watch her do the same.

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The kiss broke once more as he reached his final stretch, forcing Fallon to lean forward and mouth along his bare neck and shoulder to refrain from screaming. A single mark was left behind in her waste — a small bruise beneath his collarbone — an inevitable casualty of her heightened sensations.

An indescribable mix of emotions passed through her as she finally reached her peak. Grief, regret, pain were all expected, but Fallon hadn't expected to feel the single strand of joy. Joy to have finally experienced this with him, joy to have finally been able to be this close. The single strand was much like a butterfly, though, for as soon as she recognized its beauty for what it was it was gone.

Refusing to allow their last kiss to be in the throws of passion, Fallon pulled him in for one last time. Every ounce of every feeling she'd ever felt for him was poured into the loving movement until, sadly, it had to be over. She steadily held his gaze, but, much like him earlier, there was nothing left for her to say.

  

This was finally it.

Everything came crashing down on him all at once, the grief, the defeat, the crushing weight of not trying harder, of not being able to convince her to stay was there there on the tip of his tongue, ready to spill out of she hadn't leaned up to kiss him one more time. Everything he had left to say but couldn't came out in the emotion behind the kiss, he could feel it welling up in his chest, ready to burst, but he would wait until she was gone to let it happen.

It couldn't last forever though and when she pulled back to look at him again, he knew this was really it. Gently he brushed his lips against hers one last time before slowly moving back up and off the bed entirely to retrieve his pants from the floor. The guilt settled over him once more as he tugged them on, but it wasn't nearly as bad as it had been when things had first started. Though he'd tried to convince himself she wasn't his anymore, it hadn't really happened until just now. That whole moment in its entirety was theirs and would always be, even if they were no longer together.

He blinked back the threating tears, unable to let her see that side of him; he didn't want her to feel responsible for the emotions warring through him when it was his own fault. He'd realized it a little too late, that in trying not to pressure her, he hadn't pushed enough for what could have been between them and that would be his biggest regret.

Running a hand through his hair, he moved quietly to pick up her clothes from the floor and handed them back to her, trying to save them both from what came next, but knowing prolonging the moment wouldn't help.

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   Fallon Gillespie

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Jesse hadn't spoken. No, worse than that, he'd immediately gotten up and dressed without so much as a glance in her direction. A silent tear streamed down her face as his back remained to her, one Fallon quickly wiped away and pretended hadn't existed. More would come as soon as she was within her own flat. More would come, and she didn't know if they would ever stop.

She took her clothes from him in quiet resignation. Jesse hadn't fought her on her decision, hadn't once forced her to realize why his was the better love. Had he known then that their hearts would break? If so, why hadn't he gone when she asked him to stay? If he knew with such certainty that he had nothing left to say, then why reply to the few letters they exchanged? Why give her directions to use his floo? A million questions to be unanswered. A million dreams laid to waste.

The rip in her trousers caused a fresh wave of sobs to bubble in her chest. Fallon had to go, had to spare herself breaking down in front of him again. Last time, he'd held and comforted her throughout the night, she doubted he would grant her the same wish twice. Fallon hastily buttoned her shirt, missing a button or two in the process but knowing she could fix it once home. She could hold it together that long.

Once dressed, Fallon stood and took him in one last time. While it was possible they would see one another at work, they would never be this open with one another again. The chasm had already formed and was deepening by the second. "I wanted it to be you," she voiced in a pained whisper. If only, if only, if only. Then, after tearing her gaze from his, Fallon left him alone in his room to blindly search for the floo.

Home. She had to go home.

  

He gave her the moment to dress without him watching, still trying to reign in the tears stinging at the back of his eyes. He didn't want to diminish their last moments by being a blubbering mess.

He hadn't been facing her properly out of his own self-preservation, but as she spoke, he rounded on her, eyes wide and full of every emotion that flew through his mind. They crossed his face as well, the shock, the grief, the anguish at hearing her say that was like a twist of the knife that was already embedded in his heart. He stumbled out of his room after her.

"I wanted it to be me too," He started before he could stop himself. The wave of everything he'd planned to leave unsaid overtaking him. "I'm sorry if I didn't make that clear enough; I'm sorry I wasn't enough." He choked on the words as emotion gripped his voice. "I thought if I let you come to the decision on your own, we wouldn't regret this. If I could just love you through it, not matter what, that everything would be fine. But here we are saying good-bye again and I don't want this to be it. I don't want it to be the end." Merlin's beard he needed to stop. She'd already made her choice, had already decided it wasn't him, despite every selfish move they'd made over the course of the evening, this was where it had been headed all along.

He took a hesitant step toward her now, eyes pleading, voice cracking. "Just stay Fallon, please. I meant it when I said that I wanted to spend the rest of my life spending every day making you happy. I want every fight, every touch, every night looking up at the stars. I want a honeymoon to Ireland and a vacation somewhere warm, with you, just you, please." Merlin he sounded pathetic, but he was desperate. He thought he would have been okay to let her go, to bow out gracefully and let her be happy, but after tonight, after hearing that she wanted it to be him, he had to make her see what she was to him. 

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